Do you lash out at your therapist

The second one I used to see (I have pretty much stopped her altogether at this point) said I was like a wounded wild animal backed against a wall.
Granted - that sounds a bit melodramatic to me - but she was given to strange flights of fancy.

I've been giving this a little thought and come to the conclusion that we are in therapy for a variety of reasons and if for some of us that is because we don't process our angry feelings in a healthy way, then as we work our way through learning how to process them in a healthy way, we are going to have periods that may be lashing out and might even be abusive or in some other way inappropriate. I think that as long as the T is physically safe then in the beginning parts of allowing ourselves to express these feelings, the T's need to accept what comes at them as a gauge to where the struggles are for the client; at what stage of processing the the feelings is the client at, and so on. From there, the T can formulate a plan to regulate and teach stress tolerance. Most can agree that lashing out or verbal abuse does not help us get what we ultimately want; however, when we are in those intense emotional states what we ultimately want might not have a voice at the table. I don't believe that in the initial stages of allowing the feelings to be expressed they should be received (rebutted) with boundaries or even the concept of appropriate or inappropriate behavior. I believe they should be discussed with curiosity and accepted as a starting place. Then, as self-regulation and stress tolerance builds (see amygdala dysfunction, over activation, and deactiviting), the discussions around helpful verse harmful forms of communicating these emotions should occur. I still don't think the concept of appropriate verse inappropriate should be brought into the discussion and I do not believe that any action that would/could be taken as a punishment is helpful.

For me, I hold my anger in, refuse it a voice, turn it onto myself... for fear of rejection, abandonment, and hurting another. I (and it sounds like Mona) don't believe it is safe to let others see it because it is too much and the cost if it goes bad is too high. I need to know through repeated exposure, that my T will not reject me because I let her see parts of me that I struggle with, parts of me I hate. I feel that it is through these repeated exposures, I will learn that it is not too much and I am safe with sharing these intense feelings. ... THEN and only then, I believe I will be able to hear and learn how to share them in ways that are helpful and healthy not only for the person receiving them but also for myself. I believe in this concept because one of the reasons the explosions happen is because of not feeling safe enough to express things at the little hurts, when they are not so intense. So, it becomes a series of waves that amplify until they crash through the barriers and I can no longer hold them in.

This links back to something I briefly shared with my T and I sort of posted here - I was often left alone with my negative emotions as a young child. No one would come help soothe me or help me understand why I was feeling what I was feeling. No one witnessed or sat with me, so I learnt ways of dealing with them on my own. My ways have not be horrible in the sense that I've not hurt someone in anger, I've not walked off a job, or been fired because of anger issues. I did eat myself to level 3 obesity (BMI > 55)... and other things. I am looking to my T to sit with me when these moments happen and talk me through them, support me through them, and teach me how have them without hurting myself, another person, or the relationship between us.

Me and my T talked about this today after the last week's events. I think that it was an enlightening discussion for both of us. I will post later as I am working nights tonight so should be able to write it all out.

I don't think it merits to be called lashing out, but I have responded fiercely when T was refusing to accept something or let it go and asking/telling her politely didn't work out.

I feel really guilty about something I said to my previous therapist. I've had a pretty bad attitude at times.

I do feel guilty about just being "short" with my current therapist. But, honestly, that has been a habit of mine for quite some time. And not just with therapists, but with people in general. It's especially easy for me to fall into the habit of being short when someone just assumes the world is different than the model I have in my own head.

Thank you Elio, this is a really fabulous post, that articulated everything I couldn't. This is what I wanted and expected my t to do, to teach me how to have them without hurting myself or others. I guess I was also angry because she ignored my text for a whole week and then text outta the blue asking if I wanted to see her that week, well that made me really angry.
I have a similar strategy, where I retroflect all of my anger back into myself which has manifested as anxiety and depression for years. I was very proud of myself for expressing my anger because it was a risk but it was my truth. The risk backfired this time. I felt shamed by her especially when she said it wasn't respectful. I have never hurt anyone or verbally abused someone but the rage is there but I suppress it, there have been many times that I should have protected my self and let rip on others. Maybe my t doesn't get shy it was so important for me to be honest and tell her she lacked empathy and understanding. I don't see anything wrong with that if it's the truth. The truth hurts.

I had this discussion with my T today. I dont really get angry. I have a hard time with anger from other people. I dont underatand the point of it. I dont feel it generally. I have in the past, but it got locked away and turned inwards, I think, but it showed its face in a major way this last week.

In case people want to hear it the back story is that I had mentioned that I am thinking if starting a craft group in the village we live in, and immediately she said "how would you feel if I came to that?". I guess a part of me got excited by that, the fact that she wanted to come. That she would consider it if I did. That she wanted to be a part of something I was doing. A part if my life. That maybe this could be the start of a different relationship.......yeah, you get it.

So, in a following session I read a letter to her in which I basically laid my desires on the table. That I knew what she could never be, but that I wanted a continued relationship, that I wanted her to come etc etc.

She basically said that she had made a mistake in saying that. That it wasn't the right thing to do, that this is only a professional relationship and that for both of our sakes it could never be anything more than this. The right thing to do.

I felt rejected, unwanted, disliked, unloved. I felt all of the things that I felt when I was a teenager and seriously struggling in life. Out of this brokenness came an anger, q rage and a hate. It was consuming me.

It cane with me to session, a session in which my T had no way of reaching me. I still think that she didn't try, but she clarified today that she just didn't know or think or feel or see any way of doing so.

She said things like

I don't know why you came today
I am sorry you can't work with me today
It seems you have an agenda today
You are choosing to to this (sit far apart and not talk)
Can I poke her (teenage part) in the eye
You asked me to help you not push me away if you try to (followed by her doing and saying absolutely nothing for about 10 minutes)
You might need to take a break

So, in an email I lashed out at her about all of these things. Well, I am not sure I would call it lashing out but being honest. Bit I can see how some may see it as lashing out. I called her useless. I told her that it was her job to find a way to work with me, not the other way around. I told her that the teenage part wanted to slap her round the face and kick her in the shins. I said that I came because I had faith that she could help me, but that I didn't know if she was up to the job, basically.

We have an agreement that I can email and she will always try to respond. She has always responded, except once, when she said that she didn't want to respond but wanted to talk about it in session. This was after I had sent an angry email too. She used to text to say she had emailed, as I do, but stopped this some months ago.

So, the day I sent this email I got a text saying Dear Waterbear. I don't have time to respond and I would prefer to discuss your thoughts in person. thank you. T

I thought, that's it, I have gone too far, I have destroyed it all. It's no good, this part of me is not welcome anywhere never has been and never will be. It needs to go. Etc etc.

So, later on I checked my email and there was one from T, that she had sent before the text, which would really have sufficed to hold me over I think, without sending this totally away. It said that she had a full schedule the next couple of days and so could not respond. She said that she would have me and my thoughts in mind and that, whilst they were not her perspective on things, we could certainly discuss them.

We had a brief exchange which further settled me, but my lashing out was still there, still needed to be discussed, as was her lack or response to anger, both times.

Today she said that she could not remember not responding to anger before, so it was not something conscious, but seemed to accept this as fact, and I guess she may be more aware of it now. She said that she would not want to not allow anger by email, because t could shut off this part of me and that would not be a good idea. She did explain that she may need more time to process these kinds of emails and, because we meet twice a week, we may meet before she has time to do this I guess. She explained that she needs to digest the content, understand who it is coming from and how to respond. She explained that she takes the content and puts a big bracket around the anger, the....attacking....and tries not let that in to her, because it would hurt, and because it may skew her response or her.....I can't really remember what she said but it made sense, basically she was just being careful. We talked about how we move forwards with this, because it may happen again, especially as we start to work with this part of me, the teenage part. (She rightly saw today that I can only really feel anger through this part, and nowhere else, but that this part is all alone with it and it is too big for her, and until now has been out of sight for many, many years)

She said that maybe she could say something similar to what we had discussed, that she needs to take time with this, to respond properly. I said that this is ok, but that I may just read this as "I need time to decide how much I hate you" or "I need time to decide how I am going to get rid of you". She saw that this was how my teenager saw this, because this was how it had always been for her, and we agreed that she would reassure me that everything was OK still, that we were still OK.

It was a very useful discussion for both of us. There is a lot more that happened but this was the bit about anger being accepted.

Yes that part of me needs immediate reassurance that we are ok once the anger is gone and the regret is there. Waiting even a few hours can cause a tail spin to SI

I totally agree with you that her response was inappropriate. I think a T needs to respond with acceptance to anger. It kind of seems that she responded with rejection and punishment. Also I think that a T needs to be able to deal with their own feelings. That's what we pay them all this money for. Like you, I also don't express anger. I have talked to my new T how it would be if I was angry, she has told me that she would accept it and that it would be a good thing for me, she also said that if I express it, it might be hard to say it nicely to her (she didn't use that exact word, I'm trying to paraphrase so I'm not recognised), she seems to ackowledge that it could come out as if I am lashing out, but she will accept it and welcome. I personally think that it is a good thing that you told her exactly how you are feeling. I think there are probably a lot of people who go to therapy and who don't express their feelings to their T, and they are the ones who aren't helped by therapy. I think that she should have responded to your text with something like: 'I hope you will come and talk to me about this at our next session, I certainly intended to be empathic with you today, the things you told me were important. It is never a good idea to just suddenly stop therapy, if, after we have talked about this, you still want to stop, let's do a planned ending'.

Thank you BrownOwl, this is a great response and had my t have responded like this we wouldn't be in the middle of this bloody rupture.
Why is it so hard for some ts to respond with empathy and compassion, I really wonder what their motivation to become a t was.
She did respond by punishment and rejection and when I told her I felt that she was shaming me she said how was I shaming myself. That feels like gas-lighting to me. It doesn't feel safe anymore.

Yup frequently. I forever telling him he is full of sht and has no idea what he is talking about.

Sometimes I go in ready to pick a fight...other times it comes out of our sessions.
He just let's me run with it.


He has very strict boundaries about zero contact outside of sessions.
And always makes it clear there will be no residual bad feelings lingering. That he has taken on board what I have said but has no bearing on our relationship.

If my T was reactive and went into meltdown every time I lost my temper, it would me too much of a temptation to keep doing it until they terminated, or broke.