[1stepatatime]

If you were working with a therapist for four years and not once did they articulate that they like you or that they like working with you, even after you've asked them.. how would you feel?
The therapist that I work with has never told me if she likes me or if she enjoys ( or not) working with me. She wants me to feel it... I get all of that and often times I do feel it but there are times where I question. It is important for me to know that the person that I am confiding in, learning to be vulnerable, and all of that uncomfortable stuff likes me. I'm pretty sure that there are some people on this site who don't care what their therapist thinks about them and that's great but it does matter to me.. I find it ridiculous at times, ridiculous that I feel this way and equally ridiculous that she can't or won't tell me.. honestly it makes me wonder if maybe she doesn't really care to work with me!

[GoodVibrations101]

I think that is too personal a question, and she sees her role as a professional therapist, not a personal friend. All of my therapists have kept their professional and personal boundaries very clear while I was their patient. The majority very rarely confided anything personal about themselves. They focused on me, my thoughts, my actions, my feelings, not anything about themselves.

[DodgersMom]

for sure, i would not of even lasted a few months let alone years. mine tells me often that he enjoys working with me and we have a good rapport... he told me he thought we clicked right away.

[Elio]

Yes, I would need this as well. In fact recently I asked her if she was happy to see us. If she would not have answered that question with the state of our relationship it would have been the end of the relationship regardless of how she felt. The simple act of not answering would have been enough to push me out. We haven't in a while but have in the past taken a step back and talked about our work together and where it was going, if we both still enjoyed working with each other.. and stuff like that.

I think if it is important to you then it is important that you receive it.

[tosca203]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

I find it ridiculous at times, ridiculous that I feel this way and equally ridiculous that she can't or won't tell me.. honestly it makes me wonder if maybe she doesn't really care to work with me!

I can relate to this so much. I haven't asked my T how he feels because I'm worried he won't answer, and then I'll have to grapple with what that means. I don't really have any advice to offer. Just empathy and hugs. I'm there, too!

[annielovesbacon]

To me, I am pretty good at reading people and I am pretty sure T likes working with me, most of the time. We have similar personalities and laugh a lot together, she understands me well beneath my layers. However I am stubborn and sometimes resistant to her therapeutic techniques, I'm sure in those times she gets frustrated with working with me. But I can't be likeable all the time!
Anyway, I don't need T to tell me out loud that she likes (or doesn't like) working with me. I completely understand that desire though, it makes complete sense.

[kecanoe]

I am an "actions speak louder than words" sort of person, so I rely on their behavior towards me to tell me that they like working with me. I think I would have a hard time asking them if I was not sure; and I think I would not like t being evasive about it.

I do know that some ts think that offering reassurance can be unhelpful to some clients and it sounds like yours may be of that opinion. To me, it sounds like your t does like working with you since she says she wants you to feel it. To me, that indicates that she does have positive feelings.

[Elio]

Also, my T often tells me to trust my gut when I ask her something about herself that she doesn't want to answer. So one time I brought up the concept that if I question myself (reality testing) on the bad stuff/thought why shouldn't I question myself on the good stuff/thoughts. Because if I'm to trust my gut on the good, that means I need to trust my gut on the bad. She said I had a point there.

There are other times where she'll return my question with asking what I think. When I give her what I think, she does this non-verbal thing that is not quite a nod but seems to be that she is confirming what I think. Then again, it's all about me so maybe I just see a nod because I want her to think or feel whatever it is I state.

[Elio]

Also, my T often tells me to trust my gut when I ask her something about herself that she doesn't want to answer. So one time I brought up the concept that if I question myself (reality testing) on the bad stuff/thought why shouldn't I question myself on the good stuff/thoughts. Because if I'm to trust my gut on the good, that means I need to trust my gut on the bad. She said I had a point there.

There are other times where she'll return my question with asking what I think. When I give her what I think, she does this non-verbal thing that is not quite a nod but seems to be that she is confirming what I think. Then again, it's all about me so maybe I just see a nod because I want her to think or feel whatever it is I state.

[MessyD]

I do care if he likes me or not, but him saying it won't assure me, I often assume people just say things they think we want to hear. He does say it's nice to see me and his actions confirm that as he seems really genuine but I still tend to assume it's just his job and I must annoy the hell out of him. So as much as I want reassurance (which Im sure I would get if I asked), I know it won't help me unless I actually believe it myself. That's just me though.

[AllHeart]

I understand the value in feeling it versus hearing it. However, I also believe it is necessary to have the feelings validated with words at least some times. So, for me, to not be able to hear it at some point would be callous and untherapeutic. Sorry your t can't honor your need for verbal validation on this.

[Waterbear]

I realised last night that what I am going through right now is directly related to this. Because of something that happened last session, my heart believed that T didn't like me or want me anymore.

Irrational, but what I really felt.

Me believing that she likes me and wants me in her life has had such a positive effect on me and has allowed me to be and do so much. I have felt safer going out into the world and creating other relationships. I have felt more confident about joining in with life. I was starting to feel more whole, and less broken in pieces. I was starting to really feel things in life and able to share those feelings with people.

Now, I feel back to square one. I can't see the point of anything anymore. I dislike myself again and don't see that I have anything to offer. Why anyone would want to have anything to do with me is really beyond me. I feel self destructive and apathetic about life.

I didn't make the link straight away, but when I did it really hit me. I don't cry, as a rule, but I went to bed pretty early last night and as I was thinking about the fact that my T doesn't like me, or love me, or want me anymore, I cried the most tears I have cried since I lost my Mum. Real wet stuff streamed out of my shut eyes and trickled down my face. I knew then that this is where the real hurt was coming from, and not what happened in session.

It really, truly matters to me, because I have never felt these things before.

I hope that I can tell her, and I hope that, if it is true, she can reassure me, because without this, the relationship does, and if that is the case then we have nothing left.

That would be a real shame.

I don't know about you, but I need words. Actions are all well and good, but sometimes words are needed too. I hope you can find what you need with your T.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

I understand the value in feeling it versus hearing it. However, I also believe it is necessary to have the feelings validated with words at least some times. So, for me, to not be able to hear it at some point would be callous and untherapeutic. Sorry your t can't honor your need for verbal validation on this.

Agreed. I don't think T is grinning with joy when she sees me every week, nor do I think she is groaning in misery that she has the last hour of the day with this awful client.

I doubt I'd ever ask her if she enjoys working with me (i don't really do vulnerability), but I have never gotten the sense that I annoy or frustrate her, and I am annoying and frustrating! When I bring that up to her, she always spins it that she understands where I am coming from, so she is much more compassionate about it than I am.

[feileacan]

I worked with a different T for a year some time ago and he wouldn't tell me verbally anything, he wanted me to feels things. The only thing he said when I told him that I want him to love me was that "What I do is a form of love". I struggled with him a lot for the first 4-5 months because I felt that without particular words I can't sense him at all. However, after that initial period I gradually started to feel held and cared by him.

My T (with whom we had a break during that year) had told me verbally that he cares about me and even that he loves me but although I believed him intellectually, I couldn't take in his words and feel them. Now with this other T I got the experience that he somehow conveyed those things to me without ever telling them but I was able to feel them. I found it very powerful.

Now I'm working again with my T and he still says verbally that he cares about me and I think I understand it better now, but this is because I got this feeling of what it means with this other T.

Just my experience.

I don't personally need or want a T to love or like me, but what I do very much expect is that I am respected as a client. When I feel this is not the case, I can have very strong reactions and it came up with both therapists I've had. I think it is interesting to analyze why we need the things that we need strongly, and we can focus on just sensing it, but I don't think that takes away the original wish much.

I think for most of us, it's a perfectly normal and natural need that we want some sort of connection, affection etc from the people we confide in. I don't need to feel love from a T but it would bother me a lot if I felt that they despised me. In terms of voicing it directly... I actually get more out of sensing it than being reassured after asking. For me, if affection is only presented upon asking, it does not feel that genuine at all.

I would like to know too. Do you have trouble feeling it, perhaps you and your f could talk about this, that maybe feeling it is not enough and you need to hear the words too. Some people retain information differently and maybe you are not a feeler but more of a hearer!
My ex t said she liked working with me all of the time, it was true but I never felt it!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by GoodVibrations101

I think that is too personal a question, and she sees her role as a professional therapist, not a personal friend. All of my therapists have kept their professional and personal boundaries very clear while I was their patient. The majority very rarely confided anything personal about themselves. They focused on me, my thoughts, my actions, my feelings, not anything about themselves.

I hear you. Believe me, I have no desire to be her friend or otherwise. Boundaries are important, in any relationship. With that in consideration I don't think asking my therapist if she likes me or likes working with me is violating a boundary. "Like" in a client/ professional regard.. not in a friendship or romantic way. I haven't asked her often.. and I certainly didn't ask her early on in our therapeutic relationship.. but after all of this time I don't think it's unreasonable that I want to know.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

I understand the value in feeling it versus hearing it. However, I also believe it is necessary to have the feelings validated with words at least some times. So, for me, to not be able to hear it at some point would be callous and untherapeutic. Sorry your t can't honor your need for verbal validation on this.

Thanks for your post. Exactly, I don't see what the issue is in saying " yes.. I do like working with you". Unless of course that is not the case.. that's what makes me wonder if she doesn't.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I would like to know too. Do you have trouble feeling it, perhaps you and your f could talk about this, that maybe feeling it is not enough and you need to hear the words too. Some people retain information differently and maybe you are not a feeler but more of a hearer!
My ex t said she liked working with me all of the time, it was true but I never felt it!

Thanks Mona! We have had conversations about this and she wants me to feel it thru our experiences together and I get all of that. I have had many positive experiences with her but between me having issues holding that ( due to my history I'm sure) and some of her own inconsistencies causes me to question. For me personally I think it would help me to not doubt if she would just say a simple " sure I like working with you" or something like that.. oh well!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I don't personally need or want a T to love or like me, but what I do very much expect is that I am respected as a client. When I feel this is not the case, I can have very strong reactions and it came up with both therapists I've had. I think it is interesting to analyze why we need the things that we need strongly, and we can focus on just sensing it, but I don't think that takes away the original wish much.

I think for most of us, it's a perfectly normal and natural need that we want some sort of connection, affection etc from the people we confide in. I don't need to feel love from a T but it would bother me a lot if I felt that they despised me. In terms of voicing it directly... I actually get more out of sensing it than being reassured after asking. For me, if affection is only presented upon asking, it does not feel that genuine at all.

Thank you! After reading your post I'm wondering if perhaps she was consistent in her demeanor with me then I probably wouldn't need to hear that she likes working with me. She is always professional and ethical so it's not that but sometimes I feel her pulling back from me.. then the following week she might be warm.. I know it's not me, I've noticed the pattern. It's something I'll be looking at.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by feileacan

I worked with a different T for a year some time ago and he wouldn't tell me verbally anything, he wanted me to feels things. The only thing he said when I told him that I want him to love me was that "What I do is a form of love". I struggled with him a lot for the first 4-5 months because I felt that without particular words I can't sense him at all. However, after that initial period I gradually started to feel held and cared by him.

My T (with whom we had a break during that year) had told me verbally that he cares about me and even that he loves me but although I believed him intellectually, I couldn't take in his words and feel them. Nowhere with this other T I got the experience that he somehow conveyed those things to me without ever telling them but I was able to feel them. I found it very powerful.

Now I'm working again with my T and he still says verbally that he cares about me and I think I understand it better now, but this is because I got this feeling of what it means with this other T.

Just my experience.

Thanks! I just want to hear it every once in a while so that I'm better able to feel it! ( nothing too mushy, just " I like working with you or something along those lines)

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I realised last night that what I am going through right now is directly related to this. Because of something that happened last session, my heart believed that T didn't like me or want me anymore.

Irrational, but what I really felt.

Me believing that she likes me and wants me in her life has had such a positive effect on me and has allowed me to be and do so much. I have felt safer going out into the world and creating other relationships. I have felt more confident about joining in with life. I was starting to feel more whole, and less broken in pieces. I was starting to really feel things in life and able to share those feelings with people.

Now, I feel back to square one. I can't see the point of anything anymore. I dislike myself again and don't see that I have anything to offer. Why anyone would want to have anything to do with me is really beyond me. I feel self destructive and apathetic about life.

I didn't make the link straight away, but when I did it really hit me. I don't cry, as a rule, but I went to bed pretty early last night and as I was thinking about the fact that my T doesn't like me, or love me, or want me anymore, I cried the most tears I have cried since I lost my Mum. Real wet stuff streamed out of my shut eyes and trickled down my face. I knew then that this is where the real hurt was coming from, and not what happened in session.

It really, truly matters to me, because I have never felt these things before.

I hope that I can tell her, and I hope that, if it is true, she can reassure me, because without this, the relationship does, and if that is the case then we have nothing left.

That would be a real shame.

I don't know about you, but I need words. Actions are all well and good, but sometimes words are needed too. I hope you can find what you need with your T.

Sending hugs your way... I know, this work is not easy!!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

for sure, i would not of even lasted a few months let alone years. mine tells me often that he enjoys working with me and we have a good rapport... he told me he thought we clicked right away.

I think it's great that your therapist is able to tell you that he enjoys working with you.. for some of us it is important!

[coolibrarian]

If I asked my T if she liked working with me (we've been working together over 15 years), she'd probably ask me why I wanted to know. She might ask me why it mattered to me. She'd encourage me to explore my own feelings (do I need validation? why?) before she'd answer me directly.

[Swimmersusan]

Thankfully mine has said she enjoys our sessions together. I'm not sure how much progress we would have made if she hasn't. I know it's my own insecurities but I really does help