[justbreathe1994]

Sorry for the overdramatic title and for posting AGAIN. I just saw a video my friend posted on FB of my therapist (we have a mutual friend) and it was the most triggering thing I've ever seen. I know I shouldn't have watched the video in the first place but I had absolutely no idea my therapist was going to be in it. As the video revealed, I just realized she is an aunt to a girl about my age. I am so incredibly distraught right now, just from this seemingly insignificant trigger. I see my T tomorrow and have already called and left to voicemails twice (she doesn't check her messages on the weekends) but I don't know how to cope with this. I'm devestated beyond belief and I'm judging myself for how sad I feel about my T's personal relationships. I wish she was my aunt; heck, I wish she was my Mom. I'd give anything to just get a hug from her. How is it possible to feel heartbroken again and again by the same person? I honestly thought I was farther along in my attachment work with her, but tonight I feel I've just hit rock bottom all over again. She leaves next week and I'm overwhelmed. Just needed to vent and maybe any support... I am almost to ashamed to share here, but I didn't know what else to do.

[growlycat]

It is understandable. Many of us wish our ts could be a parent to us. I feel that way about a t I no longer see for regular therapy but we do keep in touch.

I know everyone says this but talk to your t about it.

[Calilady]

I understand. I wish I had some advice you, but I'm going through my own issues w/attachment to my therapist as well.

I'm here to listen though

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry--I understand you being upset. I'd also talk to your T about it. In terms of thinking you were further along in your attachment work--I have strong paternal transference/attachment for my marriage counselor that we're working on. He's told me that it's normal for transference/attachment to seem fairly resolved, then resurface at various times. I've had that experience too, thinking I'm doing better, then it comes surging back. It's sometimes related to him talking about his teenaged kids, who are much younger than me, but they get to have him as their dad.

[justbreathe1994]

Thanks guys. Just having y'all's support is really helpful. I'm definitely going to talk to her tomorrow. Sometimes I just get more sad after talking to her though cuz she has nothing to say. Just silence. I'm thinking I'll probably be on my own with this one, so if anyone has any tips on how to cope, I'd love to hear.

[Altarian]

i honestly wish i had words of wisdom but i'm lost for them on your situation. I guess i've never had the therapist that i ever thought of in this manner or ever been in a situation like you seeing a innocent video that ended up being a trigger. I wish you luck and will be interested in what you end up doing.

[SummerTime12]

Sometime I find myself wishing my T was my dad or in any other close relationship with me, because he seems so caring and understands me. Whenever I feel that way though, I try to remind myself that the people in his life who DO have those personal relationships with him probably at some point wish for what I have with him during sessions - his full attention, no judgement, empathy, and feeling safe to share personal things with him. They will never get to experience that type of relationship with him, just like I'll never be in his personal life. And if I was in his personal life, it wouldn't be all that magical because he couldn't offer me the unconditional positive regard that he does as my therapist. I try to think of it as the grass is always greener on the other side, so I need to appreciate what I have. I know it still hurts though, especially when we didn't have parents that filled those needs growing up. Hope that helps a little

[Elio]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Sometime I find myself wishing my T was my dad or in any other close relationship with me, because he seems so caring and understands me. Whenever I feel that way though, I try to remind myself that the people in his life who DO have those personal relationships with him probably at some point wish for what I have with him during sessions - his full attention, no judgement, empathy, and feeling safe to share personal things with him. They will never get to experience that type of relationship with him, just like I'll never be in his personal life. And if I was in his personal life, it wouldn't be all that magical because he couldn't offer me the unconditional positive regard that he does as my therapist. I try to think of it as the grass is always greener on the other side, so I need to appreciate what I have. I know it still hurts though, especially when we didn't have parents that filled those needs growing up. Hope that helps a little

Yes, this is how I feel about it too. I believe what we get (with a good T) is something that can occur only in short periods of time because we do get that full attention, no judgement, empathy, and unconditional positive regard. I don't believe it would be healthy for a person to live 100% their lives like that. I don't believe any T lives 100% like that, so over time if we were in T's life more than what we are, we'd see parts of T that would make it less safe to share what needs to be shared.

That doesn't mean I didn't wish I had more of T in my life. Yes, I'd love to have T in my life more than 2x 50 mins a week. I'm not sure I need her more and I'm not sure it would be helpful to have her more.

I don't know if my T has nieces or nephews but I'm definitely triggered by learning T sees someone I know and that she would see a close friend of mine if he came to her.

I'm so jealous of her siblings and close friends as well. I know she gives them love, empathy, unconditional positive regard and has even helped one of her friends overcome a phobia. She's written about how her close friends are like family whom she has shared and heard many personal things with, and she has a loving family too.

I imagine my heartbreak and feelings of jealousy would be so much more intense were I in your position.

[Blaire]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so hard. It's good you can talk to her about it. And remember that nothing she has going on in her life has any bearing on your own value.

I had (still have) major jealousy toward my therapist's wife. I wanted him all to myself, and of course she just had to be very beautiful. I never talked to him about it though, because he had no idea I had stalked both of them on Facebook.

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Sometime I find myself wishing my T was my dad or in any other close relationship with me, because he seems so caring and understands me. Whenever I feel that way though, I try to remind myself that the people in his life who DO have those personal relationships with him probably at some point wish for what I have with him during sessions - his full attention, no judgement, empathy, and feeling safe to share personal things with him. They will never get to experience that type of relationship with him, just like I'll never be in his personal life. And if I was in his personal life, it wouldn't be all that magical because he couldn't offer me the unconditional positive regard that he does as my therapist. I try to think of it as the grass is always greener on the other side, so I need to appreciate what I have. I know it still hurts though, especially when we didn't have parents that filled those needs growing up. Hope that helps a little

This was very helpful... thanks Summer. I sometimes try to think of the benefits of the unique therapeutic relationship like you mentioned as well, though it's difficult. I also can't help but wonder if she is really close to her nieces/family members/friends and therefore her relationships with them would be similar to ours yet all the more close and familial. That's my biggest fear. I'm afraid she is her same old self (the T that I know and love) with her friends and family - just as attentive, loving, and empathetic. Not sure if humanity is capable of maintaining that state all the time, but it is my biggest fear.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

This was very helpful... thanks Summer. I sometimes try to think of the benefits of the unique therapeutic relationship like you mentioned as well, though it's difficult. I also can't help but wonder if she is really close to her nieces/family members/friends and therefore her relationships with them would be similar to ours yet all the more close and familial. That's my biggest fear. I'm afraid she is her same old self (the T that I know and love) with her friends and family - just as attentive, loving, and empathetic. Not sure if humanity is capable of maintaining that state all the time, but it is my biggest fear.

I sincerely doubt that your T has the same kind of relationship with her family and friends that she has with you. One of my close friends is a therapist, and she is a good friend, but she is by no means endlessly patient and empathic etc. She has her own needs and quirks, just like I and all the rest of our friends do. I bet she has clients with intense feelings toward her that I can't even begin to understand. I probably know different things about my friend than her clients do, but the way I feel about her doesn't have the special, intense quality as the way I feel about my own T.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I sincerely doubt that your T has the same kind of relationship with her family and friends that she has with you. One of my close friends is a therapist, and she is a good friend, but she is by no means endlessly patient and empathic etc. She has her own needs and quirks, just like I and all the rest of our friends do. I bet she has clients with intense feelings toward her that I can't even begin to understand. I probably know different things about my friend than her clients do, but the way I feel about her doesn't have the special, intense quality as the way I feel about my own T.

Agreed. MC has told me that if I knew him in real life, I'd realize he was an a-hole and wouldn't want to hang around him. He later said he was exaggerating a bit, but there was still the same basic point that he wasn't the same person in life as he is in therapy. I said something recently about how it was difficult for me because it's "only a patient-therapist relationship." He said he'd rather use the term "'solely' a patient-therapist relationship" because "only" had negative connotations. And that it was a special type of relationship because of how it's just one-way (like him caring about and helping me/us), and that it wouldn't work otherwise.

Hearing that helped, but it's still painful at times. Like when I found out his wife was sick, I wished I could have been there for him to help him through that (then later, when she passed away), but he said the relationship is just supposed to go in the one direction and was concerned he'd messed up because I cared about him. I got him to understand that it's just how I am, that I care about people. And my individual T told me it's only natural to care about someone who cares about me.

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Agreed. MC has told me that if I knew him in real life, I'd realize he was an a-hole and wouldn't want to hang around him. He later said he was exaggerating a bit, but there was still the same basic point that he wasn't the same person in life as he is in therapy. I said something recently about how it was difficult for me because it's "only a patient-therapist relationship." He said he'd rather use the term "'solely' a patient-therapist relationship" because "only" had negative connotations. And that it was a special type of relationship because of how it's just one-way (like him caring about and helping me/us), and that it wouldn't work otherwise.

Hearing that helped, but it's still painful at times. Like when I found out his wife was sick, I wished I could have been there for him to help him through that (then later, when she passed away), but he said the relationship is just supposed to go in the one direction and was concerned he'd messed up because I cared about him. I got him to understand that it's just how I am, that I care about people. And my individual T told me it's only natural to care about someone who cares about me.

That was helpful and you're both probably right - my T probably does have a different relationship with her family and friends than she does with me. It's still painful though because I wonder who the "real" T is. Does that mean her compassion is fake? That she is pretending to be empathetic and patient with me when she probably doesn't have those character traits in that extreme in real life? I know I probably wouldn't be so attached to her if the relationship was equal, but it's hard to imagine her that way with my only perspective being as the client.

[ElectricManatee]

I tend to think of my T as turning up certain parts of her personality and turning down other parts when she's with me. I don't really think that's fake; we all show slightly different sides of ourselves depending on who we're with. I might be more rowdy and outlandish with my friends and more calm and thoughtful with my partner. It doesn't mean that I'm being fake in either of those situations. People are usually pretty good at spotting phonies, so I don't think you could build a good therapy relationship with her if she was pretending all the time.

I think the therapist/client relationship seems somewhat like a parent/child relationship, at least in my experience. My T is patient and supportive to a seemingly endless degree, in the same way a good parent who is helping a child develop emotional maturity or a basic skill would be extra patient and kind as the child learned (and occasionally failed). But there are limits to how long my T is with me, so she is unlikely to be frustrated or tired the way an actual parent is at times. She's fresh and ready to work when she's in her office. And I will never drive her crazy by waking her up in the middle of the night to tell her I need a glass of water...

[BudFox]

I think the problem is that therapists present as idealized figures. And that draws out all sorts of longings. I don't see the longings as the problem. They are sort of the logical reaction to interacting with someone who is heavily filtered, and concealing their negative aspects, and mostly showing only some purified make-believe version of their true self. I found it a cruel cruel game.

[justbreathe1994]

Thanks for the advice and insight everyone. I saw my T last night and discussed this with her. She hadn't listened to my voicemail messages yet so I ended up having to explain what happened (which is much harder for me to do face to face). Honestly, she didn't have much to say that was helpful to me. She's the kind of therapist who often pushes me to support myself and work on my own emotional regulation skills. That's not to say she never offers reassurances or additional support, but this happened to be an example of a time she refrained from trying to make me feel better. It was absolutely aweful. The session basically ended with her telling me that I just needed to accept the things that are painful and allow myself to feel the pain without reaching for comfort from her. I feel ashamed because I know this probably what I need to do and it seems like the only logical solution. It just hurts so so bad. I wish I had a big family like she does and that she was my Mom and while I know that can never happen, I wish she could at least try to soften the blow a little. I know that sounds incredibly selfish of me, but I'm having such a hard time grieving this want/need and not getting angry with her or seeing her as a cruel woman who just likes watching me suffer.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

Thanks for the advice and insight everyone. I saw my T last night and discussed this with her. She hadn't listened to my voicemail messages yet so I ended up having to explain what happened (which is much harder for me to do face to face). Honestly, she didn't have much to say that was helpful to me. She's the kind of therapist who often pushes me to support myself and work on my own emotional regulation skills. That's not to say she never offers reassurances or additional support, but this happened to be an example of a time she refrained from trying to make me feel better. It was absolutely aweful. The session basically ended with her telling me that I just needed to accept the things that are painful and allow myself to feel the pain without reaching for comfort from her. I feel ashamed because I know this probably what I need to do and it seems like the only logical solution. It just hurts so so bad. I wish I had a big family like she does and that she was my Mom and while I know that can never happen, I wish she could at least try to soften the blow a little. I know that sounds incredibly selfish of me, but I'm having such a hard time grieving this want/need and not getting angry with her or seeing her as a cruel woman who just likes watching me suffer.

Ugh, that sounds terrible. I'm sorry your T wasn't more supportive. It's hard to know how to comfort yourself if you haven't ever gotten the comfort you need from somebody else first. I don't think it's selfish to want that at all.

[Daisy Dead Petals]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Ugh, that sounds terrible. I'm sorry your T wasn't more supportive. It's hard to know how to comfort yourself if you haven't ever gotten the comfort you need from somebody else first. I don't think it's selfish to want that at all.

Seconding this. What you're feeling is natural. While your T may not be able to give you all that you desire, she should be validating your needs and doing more to help you learn to meet them yourself.