[granite1]

therapy again . god this is so hard and im miserable. i do ok until the day i have therapy . then i think about her leaving and i get terrified and depressed and feeling like what is the point . i have so many feelings about it . when i gave her the list i had made of things i wanted to work on she just seemed so dismissive about it . the next week was just as hard and at the end of session she took the list and went through it deciding issue by issue what i do still need to work on what she called a hot topic and what she felt i had already done a lot of work on . all of it made me feel so scared .some of the stuff i feel is still important and the fact that she doesn't makes me feel she thinks it will never change .

so i went yesterday and was going to try and talk about it some again because these feelings of there being no purpose to it wont go away. i walk in and sit down .she sits down and doesn't say anything. i take out the list and i try to start a conversation about how i am feeling . i told her i have not even looked at the list and that i cant get rid of the feeling that it is pointless. she again just stares at me and says nothing. i tell her that every time i came here i feel miserable and that it is so hard . again she just sits there looking at me . i just stop talking .hoping she will at least say something as my comfort level completely diminishes .she doesn't at this point it is completely unbearable . i asked her straight out why she is doing this ,just sitting there staring at me . no answer just more of the same . finely i decide i cant do this today and i get up and start to leave telling her so . she jumps out of her chair telling me to sit down .i say i cant do this today and she goes to the door im trying to open and closes it and tries to stand in front of it telling me to sit down . i didn't have a choice so i did but i faced sideways on the couch away from her and tried to just keep it together and not start sobbing . finely she asked me what am i doing right now? i told her thinking . she asked if i was thinking about what i want to work on . i told her no that i was thinking i want to do this differently but i dont know how . she asked me what i do i want to do differently ? i want to leave differently i dont want to just run away. so she said then dont. i hate when she gives me these flippant answers. she seemed to be trying to push every button i had ,i broke down and said i just dont know what to do about her leaving. i just dont know what is going on . she told me it isnt like the first of the year she is going to stop existing. she isnt going to be moving to Siberia or something like that . it isnt like she is going to say, ok we are done on this date . that she has use of this office for as long as she wants so is she leaving or not .

she said that when i stop therapy all the good that has replaced the bad stays with me ,it just doesnt go away . im scared that it does .that i dont have enough good to hold on to. she said that i most definitely do. she said that i am a very special and amazing person. that not everyone would have survived the abuse i had been through and been able to create a good healthy life for myself. i wish i could feel that for myself but i cant . i feel it is all a fake that i am a fake .none of it is real . she said but dont you see that it is just your thoughts . i dont . she said that some of the work we still need to do is for me to see that girl who went through what i did with eyes of compassion .that thought makes me sick .all is see in that girl is a pathetic,weak, wretched ,spoiled brat. my T says that she only has compassion for what i went through and that little girl . i hate that girl so much .

we talked some about how i see my son has changed. how for the last year as he was having such a hard time i was seeing him through my fathers eyes. how i was doubting my parenting and listening to everyone else . how i felt like i am a failure at life and that because he is my son he will turn out the same .with my T help i was able to parent him the way i want even feeling the way i do and he is coming out the other side doing just fine, also i can live with myself knowing i didnt listen to the same people who were abusive to me giving me advice on parenting my child . my son is so much better for it . this is mine to keep and feel good about .

so i am still confused about her leaving . it seems that she hasnt got any definite plans but wants me to keep moving forward and not be dependent on therapy to help me feel better . to be able to know and to hold on to the strength independent of her and therapy .that sounds amazing but i still hate myself and who i am so much

[unaluna]

I feel like i should send you a picture of my apartment so you can see what a failure at life looks like. I dont mean to diminish your feelings. I know i just feel a lot better now cuz my mother casinoed herself to death. I mean really, who in their right mind, in their late 80's, goes out and parties all night, then gets up early and starts partying again at home? Sorry, no sympathy if she didnt know better.

Your t is doing very good work. Its like shes english. I wish i could say something to encourage you. All i have is, it does get better. I didnt believe it would or could, but it does.