What kind of ruptures or fractures have you experienced in therapy?

Last week, my therapist made a crass comment about a previous (abusive) sexual experience of mine. I went to the subsequent session this week and raised the issue, like all good clients should do. She apologised, but it wasn't resolved. She felt crap and I felt crap and now I am left feeling, well, like crap.

How have you moved beyond the fractures?

[Longingforhome]

I'm in the midst of working a similar thing out with my T right now (really badly timed use of humor). We've had a couple of email rounds and a couple of sessions on it, and I think we're getting there.

It's been almost viscerally painful for me to allow myself to feel angry and hurt at him, express it, keep the focus on my feelings, and not dissociate like crazy, which is a big task for me right now.

It's made me appreciate how important it is to have a T who can own their mistakes and bear to look them square in the face: it's giving me a chance to 'practice' doing things differently and see the depths of some of the very painful and hard issues I am
aware are there, but murky on the details about.

I think he's probably learned more about me in the last two sessions
than the last 2 years, in some areas. And it has made me
think hard about what I want from the T relationship and given me an opening to talk about that. Also, I have been able to see how rigid and impossible my 'demands' are
in my quest for absolute safety, and have had to do a lot of
thinking about how to get what I need without creating huge distance, robotic interactions and and emotional deadness between us. Maybe one of the most challenging dilemmas I have ever faced.

I believe he is working as hard at this as I am and think we will be stronger and better for this, as painful as it is for me (and I am sure for him, also).

[anais_anais]

Originally Posted by long_gone

What kind of ruptures or fractures have you experienced in therapy?

Last week, my therapist made a crass comment about a previous (abusive) sexual experience of mine. I went to the subsequent session this week and raised the issue, like all good clients should do. She apologised, but it wasn't resolved. She felt crap and I felt crap and now I am left feeling, well, like crap.

How have you moved beyond the fractures?

I had a similar experience. We both felt crap for several sessions, yes. We kept talking about it. At first i was saying "I am livid with you and I can't believe you said that." Next session it became "I'm not as angry but I still don't understand why you said that." A session or too later, we talked enough that the anger left. I still don't know why he had to say what he said, but I trust it will not happen again, and he understands why it hurt me. He felt VERY bad about it. Which was the correct thing to feel.

For me it came down to whether or not the rupture was worth working past. I decided it was and we worked together to make that happen, but it took time.

[nyc artist]

Just came out on the other side of a rupture. T gave my second appointment away for 2 weeks in a row. He completely owned this gigantic mistake, apologized many times (it didn't mean much but that's a different story. My issues not him.) and explained how his assumptions and a slight miscommunication was why it happened. I was still very hurt during the 2 weeks but he's done so much for me that I felt bad for being upset with him. I was able to tell him exactly how I felt about it (I've never told a T when I've been hurt) and that empowered me to accept his apology as genuine. That allowed me to get over it & move on. Now it's just known as the scheduling mess of July, but I doubt we'll ever have to revisit any part of it.

Originally Posted by long_gone

What kind of ruptures or fractures have you experienced in therapy?

Last week, my therapist made a crass comment about a previous (abusive) sexual experience of mine. I went to the subsequent session this week and raised the issue, like all good clients should do. She apologised, but it wasn't resolved. She felt crap and I felt crap and now I am left feeling, well, like crap.

How have you moved beyond the fractures?

If sounds like you did the right thing and you got a good response from your therapist. It often takes more than one session to recover from a rupture, but I think you're on the right track

[skeksi]

For me what has helped is being able to address it with T, repeatedly and for as often as I need to for it to feel settled. Sometimes I have gotten the sense that T feels we've resolved it, but he is very good at continuing to discuss it, explain himself, or apologize until I feel heard and understood.

I've been seeing this t for almost 6 years. We had our first big rupture a few years back during the period we were doing phone sessions, we yelled at each other and I hung up on her. I called her 3 days later and we talked it out and continued our regular phone sessions for a month or so, then took a like 3 month break. I think the working out of that one made our therapeutic relationship stronger. There were little disagreements here and there all along but nothing I would call another rupture until.....

....currently, we'd been planning to terminate in November which was natural and all well and good but then.... I still don't really understand what happened but we had our 2nd big rupture like 3 weeks ago or something. Initially it looked like we'd repaired it, and I'd started to even think maybe I wasn't quite as ready to end as I thought I was, and we were proceeding. But then it turned out last week, that it seems that she was still angry at me for being angry with her. And she needed a break from ME. So we are now on a one-month break and if I go back at all (I haven't decided for sure, still have 3 weeks to decide), it will be for one termination session. It's over. I'm sad, but realizing that I have been emotionally dependent on her and that was not healthy for me. And probably not for her either! I think that it all happened the way that it HAD to in order for me to see that.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[toomanycats]

Going through one now with the new T I've been seeing for 4 months.

Pretty sure we're not making it through this.

#RunningAway

[Calilady]

T said some hurtful things. We tried to work through it, then it seems she lied to me about a relative passing so she could take a break from me. All she had to do was be honest with me. Today was the first day being official apart from her and it feels like ****.

No closure and I was so attached, which made it hurt even more. I still mailed her a letter, but to know she avoided me just reeancts only family dynamics.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that, long_gone. I hope that you're both able to work beyond it.

The only thing that comes to mind was the session that my T over self-disclosed, which triggered in me distress and a desire to take care of him.

I brought it up in the next session, and he apologized. He promised to be more careful in the future about what he discloses to me.

I moved on in that session, but I'm not sure he has. Every self-disclosure since has come with an asterisk. "I don't want to self-disclose too much..." I've told him that I'd let him know if he's getting close to the line, but he operates now in that regard with an abundance of caution.

[awkwardlyyours]

I don't seem to be able to make any real move out of rupture-land (current T would agree).

I think getting past a rupture would involve your feeling like you got what you needed in order for it to be resolved.

For most people, I assume that would basically be a combination of apologies + talking about it + the therapist promising to be more careful about whatever it is that needs to happen on their part.

However, in my case, I'm not at all interested in any of the above (current T has offered apologies and bent over backwards to take care of the stuff that led to the rupture) -- instead, I need to be honestly told (in specific detail) as to what prompted the T to do what they did. So, I need the T to examine themselves and discuss it with me.

Since that is yet to happen in any serious way with current T (and never happened with former T), I seem to have taken up permanent resident status in rupture-land.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

However, in my case, I'm not at all interested in any of the above (current T has offered apologies and bent over backwards to take care of the stuff that led to the rupture) -- instead, I need to be honestly told (in specific detail) as to what prompted the T to do what they did. So, I need the T to examine themselves and discuss it with me.

I used to think I needed that, too, and I tried to get that from 3 last month. But, at some point I realized she was doing the best she could with explaining her actions. Most people, including me, don't think on that kind of level. I couldn't explain in specific detail why I do half the things I do, even if I sit down and analyze them closely.

Anyway, that realization made me let it go. Probably helped by the fact that the desire to have a good ending with her trumped anything else.

OP - as for feeling like crap - it will get better. Apologies and understanding can't erase pain all at once. You need to regain your comfort level with each other - might be weeks, might be months. Give it time.

[Calilady]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

I don't seem to be able to make any real move out of rupture-land (current T would agree).

I think getting past a rupture would involve your feeling like you got what you needed in order for it to be resolved.

For most people, I assume that would basically be a combination of apologies + talking about it + the therapist promising to be more careful about whatever it is that needs to happen on their part.

However, in my case, I'm not at all interested in any of the above (current T has offered apologies and bent over backwards to take care of the stuff that led to the rupture) -- instead, I need to be honestly told (in specific detail) as to what prompted the T to do what they did. So, I need the T to examine themselves and discuss it with me.

Since that is yet to happen in any serious way with current T (and never happened with former T), I seem to have taken up permanent resident status in rupture-land.

Is it painful to live in rupture-land? Just asking because it was for me and that was for just a few weeks.

I had ruptures with T1 and T2. We were never able to deal with them. I feel the same as Awkwardly yours - I needed my T to honestly say why she had said what she said. When I spoke to T2 about one of the things that she said that triggered me, it was clear that she regretted it and she took it back, but what she said had triggered intense feelings in me and I felt terrible, I needed more from her. It would have helped if she had apologized and acknowledged the feelings that it triggered in me, maybe expressed some sorrow that I had again been taken back to these early trauma feelings and had had to hold onto them till we met again. An explanation of why she said it would also have helped.
When I started with T3, I told her a bit about the rupture, and she immediately talked about the repair process, and I am hopeful that if we have a rupture we'll be able to talk about it. I'm of the belief that if you cannot talk through it satisfacturally, it is probably best to find a new T, I think otherwise the rupture shadows your relationship. And the T will probably never to be able to be helpful in the next rupture either.

I know I haven't answered your question of what the rupture was about - pm me if you like, I feel too vulnerable writing it publicly.

[Moment]

I agree that it can take several sessions for a rupture to heal.
I definitely have walked out of a post-rupture repair attempt session feeling like it was all hopeless. And then, a week later, we tried again, and it was somehow better.
I would just be honest and dwell on it as much as you like. It's not like it's brought up, there's an apology, and it goes away. In my experience it really needs to be explored. Why you were bothered so much. What might have motivated that person to act the way they did or say the thing they said.
I think people can get beyond ruptures if the therapist is non-defensive and sincere and really trying to understand what happened. And, if the client similarly examines themselves and tries to understand the source of their reaction in detail. It also helps to consider how the rupture relates to things going on outside the room or in the past; whether there is a repeat going on of another life experience (for one or both parties).

[Chummy2]

There were several ruptures with several previous T's. I don't think they were ever really resolved. I was too anxious to talk or to be completely honest.
With prevT there was a small rupture because she was several too late for our sessions. And a big, still contunuing rupture because of her temporarily leave. Though maybe the leave isn't really her fault, how she handled some things with me are.

And I'm the only one who this is hard for. The T is a ''professional'' and doesn't seem like the clients (or at least mine) feelings touch her at all.

I've had 2 ruptures with my T in almost 4 years. The first time, was easily rectified & I was able to move on having told him exactly how he had made me feel. The second one was only a month ago. That was a huge rupture. I was so hurt & angry I had to leave the room. When I saw him 2 days later he talked about him getting tangled up in my transference & accepted his part in it. He stupidly apologised for his part, but apologies trigger me, so that made me attack him verbally. After talking it through several times, I was able to let it go. That's the first time I've ever resolved something with someone without just totally dismissing them. It felt a much better way to deal with friction. It has definitely strengthened our relationship & my transference has changed slightly.

[Anastasia~]

I used to frequently have ruptures with a previous therapist because of things he said. I have had a few ruptures with this T but we've worked through them with no problem. I hope you are able to work through this soon.