[justbreathe1994]

I'm probably way overreacting to this, but I had a situation with T today that so very triggering. Actually, more like a bunch of situations. So, I've been sharing a lot about my intense attachment feelings in my last posts and while it has been a rollercoaster these last few years of working with her, things have seemed better these last few weeks. It's kind of a long story with a lot of details and twists and turns (hence "heartbreak rollercoaster" as the title of this post), but I'll do my best to describe because I'm hurting so bad right now. A few years ago, in the midst of being intensely attached to my T, she allowed touch (handholding, backrubbing, hugging, holding). She allowed this for a few months but one day she didn't feel comfortable hugging after our session like we normally had done. That was incredibly triggering for me as she had been willing to "comfort" me in the past. Once she saw how triggered I had gotten, she stopped the hugs and touch altogether for a few years. Her plan wasn't to take it away entirely, but just wait until the touch didn't have so much power for me. In the meantime, she wanted me to learn to comfort myself and not to rely on her for rescuing.

Well, after two years of intense anger and hard work, we finally reached a place where she and I both felt somewhat comfortable to bring the touch back. A few weeks ago she said okay to hug, but I told her I wanted to wait until the next session as we had pretty much run out of time and I didn't want to rush the hug. Next session, we had a rupture so hugging didn't feel right to either of us. We continued to have ruptures and run out of time during the sessions until finally last week when she and I both felt "up" for hugging and we spent 30 minutes talking about it. When it came to the end of the session, she decided she wasn't ready (she didn't feel comfortable) and backed out, saying that she wanted to be "sure" both of us were ready for bringing back the hugs.

I know this doesn't sound like a big deal and I should respect her boundaries, but it feels so devestating to me and I'm so angry at her for changing her mind. She said she still wasn't ready today when I asked her for a hug. Throughout the past two years, I have worked so hard and have even told her I didn't want to hug again and I would never ask her again for a hug out of fear for her rejection. It's painful because while I once gave up hope she'd ever allow touch again, she finally said okay and then changed her mind at the last minute. I want to detach from her altogether, but she tells me that's not the goal. I don't know what else to do.

On top of this (sorry for venting), she told me last week while we were scheduling this weeks appointment(s) that I could choose either today or tomorrow to see her. I asked her if I could have both time slots since I was very triggered during last week's session and I felt like I'd need the support. She said okay but reminded me of my fears around insurance not covering (which I had expressed to her recently). I told her I'd think about it and do some research to see if it would work out with insurance. Well, when I asked her today if I could see her tomorrow she said she didn't have time available. I asked her if something changed since last week because last week she said okay with her schedule. She told me that last week she had said I could choose one or the other as she could not do both. At this point, I got even more upset because I reminded her what was said in the conversation.... she said it was okay with her and I just needed to check with my insurance. I feel like she's lying to me and it hurts so bad because I could tell she felt backed into a corner and didn't know how to respond.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry, that sounds so painful. She shouldn't have said it was OK to hug again until she's was sure. It's like she's leading you on emotionally. I suspect she might be having some counter-transference issues... Would you consider trying out a different T, even just for a little bit?

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I'm sorry, that sounds so painful. She shouldn't have said it was OK to hug again until she's was sure. It's like she's leading you on emotionally. I suspect she might be having some counter-transference issues... Would you consider trying out a different T, even just for a little bit?

Thanks for this LT. it definatley feels like she was leading me on and sadly there have been many situations like this. I'm so attached to her and I really don't know if I'd ever be able to try/switch Ts. I just don't have the energy to emotionally invest in a new T relationship. I feel very stuck.

[DP_2017]

This post scared me. My T has been doing end of session hugs since June and it has been very healing for me.. for reasons I don't want to discuss here but.... anyway... now I am wondering if he is gonna randomly stop that.

Naturally I'd assume something was wrong with me if so.... sigh....

Anyway sorry this happened, I can't imagine, I'd be so sick and confused. I hope somehow you can work this out and I totally get not wanting to start over, I'd either quit therapy al together or just deal with it, I don't want a new T.

Hugs to you

[precaryous]

"I know this doesn't sound like a big deal and I should respect her boundaries, but it feels so devestating to me and I'm so angry at her for changing her mind. She said she still wasn't ready today when I asked her for a hug. Throughout the past two years, I have worked so hard and have even told her I didn't want to hug again and I would never ask her again for a hug out of fear for her rejection. It's painful because while I once gave up hope she'd ever allow touch again, she finally said okay and then changed her mind at the last minute."

Sounds awful and painful, I'm sorry.
Good for you taking your power back on not waiting on her to make up her mind.

"I want to detach from her altogether, but she tells me that's not the goal. I don't know what else to do."

Whose goal? This is your therapy. Could you talk to T about reassessing your needs and making mutually agreeable goals?

"She told me that last week she had said I could choose one or the other as she could not do both. At this point, I got even more upset because I reminded her what was said in the conversation.... she said it was okay with her and I just needed to check with my insurance. I feel like she's lying to me and it hurts so bad because I could tell she felt backed into a corner and didn't know how to respond."

I can understand your feeling hurt whether she was intentionally lying or misremembering the conversation. I hope she can claim her part in this and you can work it out.

[toomanycats]

This sounds like a huge deal to me. I would devastated and in such turmoil... I can imagine your head is spinning -- of COURSE you are triggered. And WTF with giving away the session time?!

I'm so angry for you...

[colorsofthewind12]

Justbreathe, I am really sorry that you're going through this. I am incredibly angry on your behalf that your therapist is acting so inconsistently with you. She should be in her own therapy or supervision to help her work out her own issues, which clearly she has. Even though you think it's about you, it's mainly her issues. I hope you can believe that.

I think it's the perfect opportunity for you to find another therapist who will be consistent and better able to meet your needs. Your new therapist in the interim can help you detach and transition.

Good luck!

[justbreathe1994]

Thanks everyone for your support, validation, and advice. I really don't know what I'd do without this forum as there is no one in my "real" life I can talk to about this stuff that goes on between T and I. I truly appreciate you all advising me to try a different T, I just don't think I can. In some ways, I think switching Ts would set me back even more than constantly being triggered by my current T. While she can be very hurtful at times, sometimes I think her imperfections and inconsistencies have helped me as well because I've learned to rely on myself more than I ever have. Her flaws help me not to get lost in the euphoria of closeness in the relationship. I get this can be both painful and an oppuertunity for growth. It's just hard to figure out what to do. Honestly, it's painful for me to read everyone's posts about how angry I should feel. I do feel angry, but part of me wants to hang on to hope that she's right and I'm wrong. I love her too much to believe she'd do anything wrong or she'd lie to me. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for everyone's posts. I know this is my stuff I have to work on. There is just something so painful about accepting she did something wrong and her not feeling any responsibility for it. If she doesn't feel responsible, it's easier to blame myself as being too needy and clingy and dependent rather than feeling like she just doesn't care enough to say she's sorry.

[colorsofthewind12]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

Thanks everyone for your support, validation, and advice. I really don't know what I'd do without this forum as there is no one in my "real" life I can talk to about this stuff that goes on between T and I. I truly appreciate you all advising me to try a different T, I just don't think I can. In some ways, I think switching Ts would set me back even more than constantly being triggered by my current T. While she can be very hurtful at times, sometimes I think her imperfections and inconsistencies have helped me as well because I've learned to rely on myself more than I ever have. Her flaws help me not to get lost in the euphoria of closeness in the relationship. I get this can be both painful and an oppuertunity for growth. It's just hard to figure out what to do. Honestly, it's painful for me to read everyone's posts about how angry I should feel. I do feel angry, but part of me wants to hang on to hope that she's right and I'm wrong. I love her too much to believe she'd do anything wrong or she'd lie to me. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for everyone's posts. I know this is my stuff I have to work on. There is just something so painful about accepting she did something wrong and her not feeling any responsibility for it. If she doesn't feel responsible, it's easier to blame myself as being too needy and clingy and dependent rather than feeling like she just doesn't care enough to say she's sorry.

You sound very self-aware and you are the only one here who knows your relationship with your T so trust your intuition.

I don't know if it's necessarily about what is right or wrong but more about your willingness to tolerate behavior that you find so unsettling. I imagine it's difficult to trust someone when they are behaving so inconsistently. Maybe that's something worth exploring in your therapy.

[DP_2017]

I know this post isn't about me but since I am in a huggy T situation myself and worried it could end abruptly.... I've decided to be honest about my feelings with that at my next session, so thanks for inspiring it

I am proud of you for wanting to stick it out. The easy choice is to walk away or find someone new, but sometimes the hardest things are worth the most in the end. Best wishes with you and your T

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

Thanks for this LT. it definatley feels like she was leading me on and sadly there have been many situations like this. I'm so attached to her and I really don't know if I'd ever be able to try/switch Ts. I just don't have the energy to emotionally invest in a new T relationship. I feel very stuck.

I completely understand that you don't want to leave your T. (As I'm very attached to my marriage counselor right now--no hugs though!) Have you told her how much it upsets you that she's so inconsistent? Do you think she understands how much it affects you? You may just have to be very blunt with her. Write it down and hand it to her if you can't say it...

Another thought is...could you take steps toward a hug? Like, her just putting her hand on your arm/shoulder when you leave. Or, even just shaking hands at first (which is what MC does). Like some form of touch that isn't quite a hug? Then if that goes OK, maybe she'd be OK with the hug after a few weeks?

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I completely understand that you don't want to leave your T. (As I'm very attached to my marriage counselor right now--no hugs though!) Have you told her how much it upsets you that she's so inconsistent? Do you think she understands how much it affects you? You may just have to be very blunt with her. Write it down and hand it to her if you can't say it...

Another thought is...could you take steps toward a hug? Like, her just putting her hand on your arm/shoulder when you leave. Or, even just shaking hands at first (which is what MC does). Like some form of touch that isn't quite a hug? Then if that goes OK, maybe she'd be OK with the hug after a few weeks?

I have told her how much it upsets me and I have told her my reactions to hurtful things she's done in the past, but she usually says that she's not perfect and if I switch Ts they won't be perfect either. I get what she means but that reply sounds invalidating for some reason, as if she's using the human reality that none of us are perfect to defend herself. She also often says that she isn't doing anything wrong and she needs to be true to herself and her own feelings (even if that means no hugs because she's not comfortable in that moment). I don't want to blame her for anything so I usually end up taking all responsibility or just blame it on the sucky situation, but I almost never feel strong enough to blame her. That's a good idea about gradually incorporating the touch back into our sessions, but I honestly doubt she wouldn't like that idea either, no matter how bad I want it. She just seems so wishy washy, I've lost all hope she'd ever be okay with anything that makes me feel better. She's all about wanting me to do the work and not comforting or rescuing me.

[kecanoe]

I understand the not rescuing thing, but the inconsistency and the "it has to be ok with her" stuff is just not ok. I also understand not wanting to change ts.

If it were me, I think I would have to decide that the wishy-washy thing is not ok and that perhaps, sometime, but not for sure they would continue hugs were just something that it is too triggering to even try to work out. It may be my avoidance speaking, so perhaps that is not for you. But I would want the power to rest with me when it came to hugs instead of desperately hoping that t gets her act together and is consistent on that topic.

[ElectricManatee]

I'm a bit concerned by this situation. It sounds like you feel bad about having perfectly normal human needs for connection and support, and your T is alternately meeting those needs and also telling you to meet them yourself. This is just going to reinforce your unpleasant ambivalent feelings. I do agree that your T needs to be true to herself, but part of that is knowing herself well enough ahead of time to know what she can offer to you and then sticking to it.

How do you know whether you can expect certain kinds of care or comfort from her if she provides them so inconsistently? For me, this would be deeply unsettling and reminiscent of some of the unpredictability of my childhood. Not exactly an ideal environment for healing. Your T is constantly shifting the boundaries around touch in a way that sounds destabilizing and stressful. You likely have your own intense emotions to wrestle with during your sessions; she shouldn't be making you accommodate hers too.

[justbreathe1994]

I know I've already said this but I just want to say again how helpful having this support and reading your responses have been; thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I want so bad to talk to my T roght now, but she doesn't really allow out of session contact. I left a message so I hope she calls me back, but I'm trying not to be "too hopeful" as there is a pretty solid chance she won't.
Gah, I love her. And rationally I don't even understand why. I wish she was consistent; I wish she was the caring Mom I never had, but I can't seem to break free from her. I'm so sad. Anyways, reading all your guys' posts have been really helping me tonight. I have strong urges to drink because I don't know what to do with the emotions I feel. I know I'll be devestated still if she doesn't call me back (she says I can have one voicemail a week for "extra" support). I don't usually ask for a VM on Mondays, so I'm afraid she won't think to check her messages or won't want to because she wasn't expecting to give me on tonight. It's like waiting on pins and needles.

[Anastasia~]

A preoccupied attachment style can be precipitated by inconsistent care by an authority figure.
IMO, Your T should have never started the touch in the first place. It's as if she is punishing you by witholding on a physical/emotional level. Then she gets herself of the hook by telling you she's not perfect, which to me, seems to be invalidating how you feel. Yes, if you switch T's, the new T won't be perfect, but just might be a good fit. I totally get not being able to leave this T but I hate to see you going through this.

If you could do all of the work of comforting yourself you wouldn't need therapy. I'm in the middle of working on my attachment issues (I think) myself and it is harrowing. I wish you had someone supportive to help you through your journey. Keep posting, I hope it gets better.

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

I know I've already said this but I just want to say again how helpful having this support and reading your responses have been; thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I want so bad to talk to my T roght now, but she doesn't really allow out of session contact. I left a message so I hope she calls me back, but I'm trying not to be "too hopeful" as there is a pretty solid chance she won't.
Gah, I love her. And rationally I don't even understand why. I wish she was consistent; I wish she was the caring Mom I never had, but I can't seem to break free from her. I'm so sad. Anyways, reading all your guys' posts have been really helping me tonight. I have strong urges to drink because I don't know what to do with the emotions I feel. I know I'll be devestated still if she doesn't call me back (she says I can have one voicemail a week for "extra" support). I don't usually ask for a VM on Mondays, so I'm afraid she won't think to check her messages or won't want to because she wasn't expecting to give me on tonight. It's like waiting on pins and needles.

I have my intellect, who "gets" the limitations of therapy and such. And I have my emotional side, that is devastated at times and feels grounded because of T's support. It feels to me like a civil war and I don't know which side to pick.

[justbreathe1994]

I'm a mess right now. She didn't call. I feel so overly dependent to be so upset and sad about her... like an obsessive girlfriend who just got dumped by her boyfriend. All I want to do is cry and cry and cry. I know she's not going to call now as I'm sure she's gone home for the night. She never calls this late. I can't be mad at her. I'm just so sad.

[justbreathe1994]

I'm sorry to be posting again, but I'm still hurting pretty bad today. Part of me hoped she'd call after she listened to all my messages last night, but she hasn't yet and I'm just so angry and sad. I don't know how to put a trigger warning, but I have intense urges to SH because of how angry I feel. How do I get my therapist to help me through this when she feels like the cause of so much of my pain? How do I get her to own up to her mistakes and not just deflect it back on my own issues or defend herself or just sit there on her chair in silence as I just talk to a blank wall for an hour?

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

I'm sorry to be posting again, but I'm still hurting pretty bad today. Part of me hoped she'd call after she listened to all my messages last night, but she hasn't yet and I'm just so angry and sad. I don't know how to put a trigger warning, but I have intense urges to SH because of how angry I feel. How do I get my therapist to help me through this when she feels like the cause of so much of my pain? How do I get her to own up to her mistakes and not just deflect it back on my own issues or defend herself or just sit there on her chair in silence as I just talk to a blank wall for an hour?

Unfortunately, I don't think you can change her. And sometimes that is the hardest lesson of all.

[Daeva]

I feel like your Therapist must have issues with this herself, like her boundaries change randomly on her own moods. Yes, she should have slowly taken you off the touching etc, as you shouldn't be co-dependent on someone for rescue or anything, because you won't have a person through every issue with life, etc. We need to learn to be more dependent, But cold turkey is cruel.

It sounds, to me, like she's going through something here as well, maybe she was experiencing some counter-transference. (Transference is basically being too attached to your therapist, counter is the opposite, therapist is attached to client) and maybe she is scared it'll happen again too. So she's trying to put up healthy professional boundaries, to protect not only herself but you at the same time. Cause it can be very dangerous and damaging to both parties when they have both types of transference and it continues.

However, her changing her mind at the last seconds, and dangling things in front of you only to snatch it away is cruel. She seems indecisive about things. Like she wants to give you both sessions but then changes her mind and to cover her own butt she makes up a story about how she said something she didn't. She needs to figure her own stuff out, and figure out how to handle not only her stuff but how she is going to deal with the situation itself, before making a decision and when she makes that decision she needs to stick by it. As in if she said she'd give yu two sessions or a hug, she needs to do it. Not only for the situation but to follow through. How can you trust someone who lies and takes back things? Consistency is best.

I honestly think this has more to do with how your therapist is feeling and dealing with things, more than something being wrong with you. Unfortunately it is effecting you horribly in the mean time. I don't know how to even begin to give you advice or suggestions on what to do with you, because she seems very defensive and self-protecting, not only of her job, ethics but of her own emotions. So confronting her about this may only lead to more harm if she isn't honest and/or twists it back around.

Perhaps, and I know this may be hard to hear, you need to not bring up touching or hugging. If the pressure is off both of you, it may come naturally, and not be this big thing. And natural hugs and such is much more genuine than this seems to be. I know you feel you need the physical comfort, but this may also give you an opportunity to find different ways of coping. It is very very very hard, and I felt desperate and went crazy with my own therapist doing the same, but once I forced myself to stop, I went through a very hard time, I got worse for a bit but it got better. I was lucky my therapist didn't mind opening up to me, and we talked about it, from both of our thoughts and emotions on it.

And when the hug did come back, it was much more natural and I didn't really need it desperately as a life line, and it meant so much more. I know this might seem impossible, but if you want to continue seeing this therapist I think you may have to do this. It's a dive, and it may get worse before it gets better but it does get better. And hopefully your therapist can at least be honest with herself in time.

That's the only thing I can think that may help.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

I'm sorry to be posting again, but I'm still hurting pretty bad today. Part of me hoped she'd call after she listened to all my messages last night, but she hasn't yet and I'm just so angry and sad. I don't know how to put a trigger warning, but I have intense urges to SH because of how angry I feel. How do I get my therapist to help me through this when she feels like the cause of so much of my pain? How do I get her to own up to her mistakes and not just deflect it back on my own issues or defend herself or just sit there on her chair in silence as I just talk to a blank wall for an hour?

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I have to say, if your therapist is making you want to SH, clearly this therapy isn't helping you. You don't want to hear this but I'm going to tell you anyway: things won't change, your therapist won't change and you will continue to suffer. All this for what? Are you happier? More stable? More fulfilled? Your therapist has terrible boundaries and this therapeutic relationship sounds incredibly messed up. The only solution imo is to leave your therapist. I know: you think it's impossible to leave her but it is. I know it feels like dying. But it is not. Of course this is all up to you but it won't get better. You can't change people.

[Swimmersusan]

I'm sorry I don't really have many words of wisdom for you, or a solution but I do somewhat understand and it's really hard to handle. So I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and feel free to PM me anytime!

I really hope she contacts you and you don't have to sit on it until your next session. I know you say she doesn't do much outside contact but I feel that in this case she really should.

[justbreathe1994]

Thank you all very much. Logically, I feel like I have to leave her. Emotionally, I have no effing clue how. It's like I'm caught in some tangled web 1 I don't even know how to begin letting go. I also don't know how to give up on her. Financially and emotionally, I've invested so much in our relationship and our work together. Leaving her right now would feel so unfinished and unresolved, but I don't know if it will ever get resolved anyway. I feel so ashamed of how crazy I've been in response to her last minute decisions. She says I have BPD but I don't know how to control my anger and disappointment to last minute let downs. I called the front desk several times yesterday at the clinic she works at asking them if she had any availability. They said they emailed and asked her but they never got a response. I know this was wrong of me to do because she told me she didn't have any times available at the end of our session and I went behind her by asking the front desk to. I know she will probably be upset with me about that. Was that really bad I did that? I just felt so helpless and she wasn't listening so I impulsively called them.

[Daeva]

I think the more you push at this the farther you push her away. I think it's become very unhealthy how attached you are to this person, and how desperate you are for their attention and affection. Maybe it's more than she can handle. However she needs to be more honest with herself and you if thats the case. Perhaps find someone who could work with you better. I think you are crossing her boundaries alot and she doesn't know how to handle it. As in trying to go behind her back to get told the same thing she already told you. The front desk will just tell her that you want to know if she has availability to see you.

I think her diagnosis of you is very spot on, as I can see alot of my own traits of BPD in you so I can understand what you're going through as I did this with my first therapist (Who I still miss dearly, but it heals more every day). I think perhaps a new therapist would do you very good, not only to validate your feelings but see them from the outside so to speak, cause when you're in it it's hard to. Even though I know logically you may see some part of it, it's still hard. I'm not saying you are 100% wrong and she is right. By far, there is wrong on both ends in this situation.

Sometimes the right and best thing to do is the hardest thing, but thats for you to decide.