When your therapist self-discloses...

nottrustin · Aug 04, 2017, 09:10 AM

T has disclosed a lot bit we have been working together for 10 years so it isn't like it happened all at once.

snowangel17 · Aug 04, 2017, 09:25 AM

Mine has disclosed more as we've been together. Nothing inappropriate though and nothing extremely personal or about family or friends. Usually something about how he also goes to the gym or has seen a certain movie.

I too often don't know how to respond when he does I usually just acknowledge it or repeat it or something and then continue on discussing the conversation we are having (which I feel is the right thing to do although would not be the case if we were in the real world). I do find myself from time to time wanting to ask more but stopping myself. There have been one or two times I might have questioned further and there is usually always slight hesitation or a pause before he answers (Suppose he is trying to determine if it's appropriate or relevant to answer) but so far he has. It's such a tight rope walk sometimes ...

kecanoe · Aug 08, 2017, 12:25 AM

Mine both self disclose, usually when they think it will be helpful. Neither is particularly receptive to being questioned about personal stuff, although T1 will sometimes share what his weekend activities were when we are doing pre-session chit chat. It's ok for me to ask casual kinds of questions then-weather, where the fair was, that sort of thing. I would not ask things like names of grandchildren, ages, about their relationship.

T1 has shared some pretty personal stuff-suicide attempts by family members and end of life stuff about his parents. I don't ask many questions when he shares that sort of thing. I figure he knows how much he wants to disclose.

I have been seeing him for 10 years; his level of disclosure has definitely increased over the years.

Electric76 · Aug 08, 2017, 03:43 AM

It's weird...I feel awkward asking my therapist personal questions (even if I really want to know) and also felt awkward when she spontaneously told me something from her past (I think she sensed my reaction and never did it again).

When I'm with my clients however, I've answered all questions to date, even if it was a non-specific response. For spontaneous self disclosure I think long and hard before sharing, make sure I have the right intentions and that it has therapeutic value. Honestly I'm cringing over a recent session where a simple disclosure had a trail of other disclosures in its path to get to the main point. That felt messy. BUT this was a client I've seen for a year and a half and felt she would appreciate it. I was sharing my story of a small miracle I experienced giving her an option and hope for something which currently feels impossible. However, I'll be back to my usual role from here on. When a therapist makes a habit of self disclosure they often get too comfortable and stop considering the true therapeutic value aside from just "feeling closer"

East17 · Aug 08, 2017, 07:12 AM

I have an odd therapeutic relationship with my current T, which after 2 years I am still trying to figure out. She is kind and non judgemental, but emotionally reserved, so I'm never really sure whether she genuinely cares or not.
Her therapy room is in her house and there are family pictures on the walls; she has a dog which I make a fuss of and she tells me I'm the only one he allows to do that outside of family.
I never ask her personal stuff, but she freely shares personal information when it's relevant to what we are talking about.
Sometimes I think if I just disappeared and never contacted her again she would not be bothered... Yet she has Sat and talked to me when I've been close to acting on my thoughts and offered to accompany me to A&E....
So all in all, very confused about this therapy relationship.

ElectricManatee · Aug 08, 2017, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by East17

I have an odd therapeutic relationship with my current T, which after 2 years I am still trying to figure out. She is kind and non judgemental, but emotionally reserved, so I'm never really sure whether she genuinely cares or not.
Her therapy room is in her house and there are family pictures on the walls; she has a dog which I make a fuss of and she tells me I'm the only one he allows to do that outside of family.
I never ask her personal stuff, but she freely shares personal information when it's relevant to what we are talking about.
Sometimes I think if I just disappeared and never contacted her again she would not be bothered... Yet she has Sat and talked to me when I've been close to acting on my thoughts and offered to accompany me to A&E....
So all in all, very confused about this therapy relationship.

Would you feel comfortable asking how your T feels about you? Mine can be pretty reserved and hard to read, but I find it very comforting when she does talk about how much she cares about me. I think she doesn't want her caring to feel like pressure, and she wants to leave space for me to have whatever reaction I need to have I with her, even if it's me getting angry or upset about something that she can't control (or that's more about somebody else than about her). I also think she doesn't want me to feel like I have to take care of her, and I probably would feel that way if I felt like she had a lot of emotion invested in me. A good T gets their emotional needs met elsewhere.

But it does sound like your T actually cares about you, and it could be really helpful to ask about it. For me, it has been a path to thinking about my own value and how other people in my life might feel about me (and why I assume they don't care about me when they actually might).

Salmon77 · Aug 09, 2017, 05:52 PM

At first my T almost never talked about himself, three years later sometimes I wish he talked less. I think he does it so I'll feel more attached to him. Most of the time what he says is relevant and fine, and it's nice to feel that we are friendly (though that is deceptive in a way because we're not friends). Occasionally it throws me off track.

coolibrarian · Aug 14, 2017, 02:22 PM

Most of the time, when my T self-discloses, I have a positive or neutral reaction to it. Last week (our last session before her vacation) I felt that a self-disclosure that she made sounded like countertransference, and I plan to tell her that when she comes back. She sounded annoyed, when she said what she said; it's too much to write about here. I didn't ask her, then, about it, because there wasn't much time left in the session and I wanted to concentrate on me. I have been pretty depressed, with brief moments of neutrality or maybe a little joy, since Wednesday. I am writing down everything I want to tell her/talk to her about.

GoodVibrations101 · Aug 14, 2017, 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WorriedWell23

...what do you do?

My therapist has started to throw in little comments about his family or his past now and then. The comments are always relevant to what we are discussing. And, overall, they do help me feel more comfortable with him.

When he says these things, however, it temporarily throws me off-guard. I appreciate him sharing this information, but I try not to act like it's a big deal. I usually just let it pass in conversation without really acknowledging what he said, and continue on with our topic. But this approach makes me feel like a huge, self-involved jerk.

Yesterday, I tried asking a really obvious follow-up question to something he volunteered about his past (re: his college major), and he hesitated for a second before answering. I definitely felt like I was pushing his boundaries.

I sort of want to tell him that he doesn't have to self-disclose if he's not comfortable, but I know that he is well aware of this and is capable of making the decision of where is boundaries lie.

Does your therapist self-disclose? How do you feel about it? For me, I think I feel a mix of gratefulness, connection, and awkwardness. I think it's overall a positive interaction, but I'm not sure if I'm handling it as well as I would like.

I found disclosures about what has helped other patients useful. And disclosures about what patients who succeed in treatment do useful. But I don't know if I'd find a psychotherapist just talking about their own life to be very useful.

And I would be very uncomfortable if a therapist told me her fiance had killed himself. That seems too personal and too painful for me to know about.

GoodVibrations101 · Aug 15, 2017, 01:18 AM

When I was younger, I think I offended one of my therapists by suggesting she was single not married, so she self-disclosed she was married. That seemed relevant. But I don't think too much therapist self-disclosure would be helpful unless it was really on topic. I see the session as my time not hers/his.

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When your therapist self-discloses...

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