What just happened?

Can anyone tell me what the f*** just happened? That was the worst session ever. I hate T and I hate myself and I don't know why and I didn't want to leave feeling this way but I don't get to choose. He said "I'm sorry I have to say goodbye to you when you're so upset" and asked me where I was going, if I'd be able to 'relax', but he doesn't really give a f***. Why am I doing this? I don't want to go back. I hate him.

Ugh, I'm sorry, Luco. Do you want to talk some more about what happened?

Yeah, I guess I do, but I can't make enough sense of it right now. I don't know what happened.

I'm sorry, luc. (((Luc)))

Hugs luc. Hang in there - you can without hurting yourself. You managed the last time too, remember?

We're here if you want to share more - It doesn't have to make sense.

A slightly edited rant I just had to a friend:

I guess we argued. Or I argued at him, anyway.

I'm sick of his bulls**t about how f***ing 'transparently honest' he apparently is.

So I told him... he's not transparently honest, and I don't think a therapist should be transparently honest anyway.

...and then I tried to tell him that being honest won't stop me loving him, that the opposite is true.

That I love him more when I perceive him as honest and genuine.

But I couldn't finish my sentence...

I couldn't say the words "in love with you".

So I just stopped.

...and then I feel like he manipulated me into f***ing saying it.

Saying I wasn't being real, I was holding back.

So I f***ing said it.

...and then I just felt s**t, humiliated.

And I said I hated him, and myself.

And I told him that he's infuriating.

That he's always patting himself on the back for being Mr. F***ing Genuine...

And it's not true, he isn't genuine half the time with me.

And he said he didn't think I was genuine.

And I said I f***ing hate it when he says that...

Here I am f***ing torturing myself trying to be real and honest with him and he's telling me I'm not genuine, but him, he's so ****ing real all the time apparently...

He's definitely not f***ing self-aware.

He thinks he has his s*** together.

I hate him so much.

He said some ridiculous s*** about how he's genuine because he's "theoretically knowledgeable"!

You can't read f***ing books to become more genuine.

You have to f***ing work on yourself, like I am, pouring my f***ing heart out every week so he can tell me I'm not being real enough with him.

He always thinks I'm playing some f***ing game with him, he doesn't understand.

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him.

He has no f***ing idea how much it hurts.

F*** him.

He just acts as if there's some secret f***ing reason why I'm finding it hard to say something, when I'm trying my best to explain how I really feel.

How it's HARD TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT LOVING HIM.

Of course it bloody is!

But you can't learn empathy from a f***ing book either.

...and then he had to try and make me smile at the end. I wasn't looking at him, I wanted to just leave without speaking to him.

He obviously didn't want me to leave like that.

I wanted to.

But he did make me f***ing smile, and I hate him for it.

I wanted to show him how angry I was. Wanted him to feel bad.

Not that he cares.

I don't know. F*** both of us, what are we even doing.

I simultaneously feel like I want to leave him and afraid that he'll leave me.

I don't want to be obnoxiously "objective" here but you are training to be a T, correct?

What happened here is that your erotic transference got activated and it really, really sucks because it's real feelings about the real person of your T, whether you know him as a real person or not. You know him as the real person that he in in your sessions.

But, then, what does he do to help you through all that? Does he have a clue how to do that? Do ANY therapists really have a clue how to help clients through transference issues? (Mine, as you probably recall, was a negative transference.)

Hope this wasn't too blunt. Hope I don't come off as too know-it-all. But in this kind of case I think I, finally, do know and -- you can (and probably will) make it through this. But it ain't, it ain't, it sure ain't easy. At least it has not been for me.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling, luc. This love/transference stuff is so damn hard in therapy. Especially when the t can't handle it like I think mine didn't when I exploded at her when our whole mess started. I hope you can work things out better than I'm managing to. It's so damn hard.

I get that last part too - wanting to leave while being afraid t will leave me. Me in a nutshell.

Im so sorry you're going through all of this pain!!! (((((LUC)))))

My heart goes out to you! While I can't understand what it is to feel like you're in love with your T, I do get the notion of caring about them deeply and wanting to leave, torn to stay,
All while wondering if they will leave you.

Mine wanted to hear the good stuff, what I thought of her, how much I cared, etc.
She couldn't handle the bad stuff or the non ego stroking stuff, so we went around in a reenactment circle.

Hugs!

This, I think.

You're transference got activated/the primitive part of you/the little girl and you feel so ****ing out of control. It's hard to reconcile those parts with the adult part of you/the T in training/the put together part of yoU. You can't, you might be splitting right now.

Just ride out the feelings. You'll come back to yourself soon. Plus, you have the opportunity to process this with your T at your next session.

I'm sorry that the session was so difficult

I think I haven't exactly been in love with my T, more like feeling loving/caring feelings as if he was a loving parent. I can empathise with feeling so vulnerable. It's horrible to admit that you really really care about T or therapy, I think because we know it's more important for us than for our Ts (as has been said before!) I don't know if it helps but I have got upset about that too, sometimes.

I hope you feel better soon

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. Everyone's situation is different, but I don't think Ts really get it! I'm thinking of feelings I had for my T, and things I told her as if I were the most lovesick person in the world. Telling her that her eyes were more beautiful than Niagara Falls, for example. Telling her about sexual reactions to her. Screaming in the car after the session she wanted me to stop emailing and maybe quit in a few months. That was a few years ago. Not really understanding why I was so anxious with her and couldn't look at her.

Yes, a part of you is in love with me, T would say. As if that made it all better. Misery! Misery! Misery when you're in love with your T. I told her I hated her sometimes too. I had to live through the minutes of torment until the next session!! I am better now but I won't forget the anguish! This happened with two of my other T's too. Yes, it is transference but that's no consolation when you're in the midst of it.

Sorry if my story is irrelevant. I got carried away. I hope you get some relief from your painful feeling soon.

"Couldn't look at her" resonates so much with me. Divulging these deep feelings while they sit there and stare at you. It's hard enough to tell someone you love them while you're dating 'em. To reveal feelings for a T and sit there session after session is such anguish. I feel you.

Yep. Me too.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I'm a lot calmer than I was earlier but s**t is seriously going down. Not sure how I'm going to manage this week.

Oh, Luc. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

I'm sorry, Luc, that all sounds so painful. Can I ask what he said when you did admit you were in love with him?

Having been through it I know it ain't easy. Yet, I hope you can gather yourself together again and hang in there.

Thats how i always feel in a relationship.

Perhaps another version of I have to leave before I'm left, I suppose.

(((Luc))),
This must be painful for you, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Oh, luc.

I wish I had something helpful to say, but you know more so probably than anyone here that I'm struggling with similar things. I hope that you and T are able to work through this.

I'm just so sad today.

Don't want to go back.