[toomanycats]

My "story" isn't even that bad (it's here if you care to read it). So, I feel ridiculous for still being a complete mess, falling apart, posting this.

It has been 31 days since I last had any contact with my ex-therapist (who I call S). It's been 4 months since he has been my therapist. About a month and a half since he moved away. 3 months since his cancer diagnosis. That's a lot of numbers. But it all amounts to nothing -- I feel as awful, beat-up, like I'm never going to get over this...as ever.

I'd been seeing a new therapist for 4 months, but he was young and stumbled one too many times, and I couldn't handle it -- not like I did with S -- I ran.

Now, I've just started seeing another new therapist, but it mostly all feels pointless.

My psychiatrist has me on 4 medications. Nothing is helping. I'm miserable. And I wonder if S broke me. Really broke me. If I can ever .... ever heal from this. Ever be free of it. (Does he care? Probably not. He's got cancer. Nothing matters to him anymore.)

Stupidest of all, now that I've met my original 30-day goal of no contact, I desperately desperately want to reach out to him again now. See how he is. If he's still self-destructing. IDK.

I want to scream at him (although I already have, a million times, and it doesn't matter to him anymore) that he has destroyed my life. Hurt me worse than anyone has ever hurt me (because at least the people who hurt me before him didn't have me convinced that they'd never hurt me....didn't have me vulnerable and childlike and so utterly dependent on them...didn't tell me how they'd never leave, never hurt me).

I am struggling to function. I'm sitting here crying at my desk at work. Again. It all really seems pointless. Hopeless.

Possible trigger:

I want to leave work, go buy a gun, and kill myself...and be done with all of life. Just be done. I just don't want to hurt like this anymore.

I got over it after about two years of processing with my current T. There's no right way to get through it though, and everyone's experience and needs are different.

[atisketatasket]

How do you ever get over being hurt by someone you loved, therapist or not?

I don't know that you do, but I do think it's possible to grow some scar tissue. A month is not really enough time for that. But to enable such growth, I would keep on doing what you're doing - going to work, not contacting S, and so on. It's really a waiting game in my experience.

[NP_Complete]

You sound like you're in so much pain right now. But you made it through that one month of no contact. That's something.

I know your new T stumbled, but can you give him another chance? You need to process all this with someone.

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

You sound like you're in so much pain right now. But you made it through that one month of no contact. That's something.

I know your new T stumbled, but can you give him another chance? You need to process all this with someone.

I'm seeing another new T.
The one who "stumbled" is just so young (29; younger than me)...and it's not like he just stumbled once. I did keep giving him chances, and he's not BAD by any means (he was great at getting me through the last 4 months and to the point where I could choose to do No Contact with S)...I just feel ridiculously fragile. And, I kind of just want to work with someone with a lot of experience. In any case, he's out of the country until September, so it's a good time to try someone else.

So, trying this other person. We will see. Admittedly, part of me wants to run far away from therapy completely. How can I ever trust a therapist again?

Although, this new T is different.

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

How do you ever get over being hurt by someone you loved, therapist or not?

Yes, this.

How do you get over being hurt by someone you trusted so deeply -- with childlike trust -- depended on deeply -- were so vulnerable with...

Maybe you don't.

Maybe I won't get over this.

How do I live with it?

[Ididitmyway]

There is no one general way of healing from it. Everyone paves their own path to healing, especially when living in the world that has no recognition of such trauma, which puts you in complete isolation, not knowing where to look for help, because the truth is that the help for this kind of trauma isn't available anywhere..at least, at this time.

We all can only share what helped each one of us, but none of our individual strategies would work for everyone. We have to experiment and see what works and what doesn't, there is no other option.

My major healing factor was a realization that no human being and no relationship is the ultimate solution to my problems and that life sends different people my way only for the purpose of me learning something new about myself and some new life lessons, and, when the lesson is learned and the new dimension of me is discovered, then those people disappear because they have served their purpose. Then the new people might come, or not, depending on where I need to go next in my development. Lessons are learned not only through people but also through events, circumstances that also come and go. When I look at life like that, I don't develop strong attachments to anything or to anyone (with a few exemptions) and so it doesn't feel heartbreaking when this thing or this person disappear.

This is a very spiritual take on life that, I know, may people reject, but it worked wonders for me and that's all I can say.

[BudFox]

Here's how I see it:

It's not necessary to hire another paid professional to help process anything. They are just as likely to manipulate you as help you, in my experience.

This is not like other relationship endings. Therapy clients are typically more vulnerable, more exposed, more disoriented, more regressed, more dependent than in other relationships.

I find it helpful to talk openly about it, be brutally honest, take no s**t from others would prefer you weren't so honest.

Read the stories of others hurt by therapy rather than the fairy tales advanced by the biz.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

Yes, this.

How do you get over being hurt by someone you trusted so deeply -- with childlike trust -- depended on deeply -- were so vulnerable with...

Maybe you don't.

Maybe I won't get over this.

How do I live with it?

I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

Meditation and Buddhism has helped me tremendously. I have lost several very important people in broken relationships. And I just found out my T will be out for an indeterminate length of time ( months or longer)starting next week.

Suffering is inherent in life and in loving. All of living has that duality. There is no such thing as being permanently happy or permanently loved

I do a thing called tonglen meditation. It is a meditation style that involves identifying with the suffering of other living beings. So for example if I am upset about my T being out sick, I will think of other people who are also separated from loved ones. Not in a way of comparing like ( I don't have it that bad etc) but in a way of understanding that I am not alone.

I try to send healing to all those people as well as myself

I think it becomes easier to trust in relationships once you make peace with the fact that if you love someone, at some point they will hurt you, and maybe you will lose them, there is no way to know. To me trust is resolving to experience a relationship as it is in the present moment and not burden it with the fear of possible failure.

To me its like riding a horse. You can never be a good rider if you are afraid to fall off. Falling is part of riding a horse. Being hurt is part of loving.

That works for me anyway. I know eventually I will get hurt, and i can't predict how or when, so I might as well fully experience the relationship and stop being afraid.

[here today]

This probably won't help much, but this is my take -- what exactly is "hurt"? How does it happen, what are the causes? What about yourself, exactly, is hurt? It's not like a physical pain, where there is a location in the body. Yet, psychological research has indicated that there is some similarity and even that painkillers for physical pain can help psychological pain, too. Is there just pain, or do you feel that something about yourself has been irretrievably damaged? And if so, what?

[Out There]

For me it still comes up in my trauma work sometimes ( did so yesterday ) but the damage was acknowledged by other T's. I'm sorry it's so painful but many here know where you're coming from - and I hope that helps a little.

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by here today

This probably won't help much, but this is my take -- what exactly is "hurt"? How does it happen, what are the causes? What about yourself, exactly, is hurt? It's not like a physical pain, where there is a location in the body. Yet, psychological research has indicated that there is some similarity and even that painkillers for physical pain can help psychological pain, too. Is there just pain, or do you feel that something about yourself has been irretrievably damaged? And if so, what?

There is absolutely physical pain associated with this.
I will be doing something totally non-related to S and then, suddenly, something will remind me of him, and my stomach, chest, throat all clench up painfully, my eyes tear, I begin crying uncontrollably. I have panic attacks. Nightmares. I ache. All the time.

I find myself unable to trust anyone -- especially another therapist. I get intrusive thoughts about "what does this T want from me? Why does he want to help me? How do I know he doesn't just see a vulnerable person who he can manipulate?" I am unable to "take in" any comfort or care from anyone. I am on edge. All the time. Full of worry -- about S, about myself. Even when I am happy, I feel sad.

I cry. and cry. and cry. and cry. And it physically hurts. After all -- what is emotion without physical response to it? ...

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

There is absolutely physical pain associated with this.
I will be doing something totally non-related to S and then, suddenly, something will remind me of him, and my stomach, chest, throat all clench up painfully, my eyes tear, I begin crying uncontrollably. I have panic attacks. Nightmares. I ache. All the time.

I find myself unable to trust anyone -- especially another therapist. I get intrusive thoughts about "what does this T want from me? Why does he want to help me? How do I know he doesn't just see a vulnerable person who he can manipulate?" I am unable to "take in" any comfort or care from anyone. I am on edge. All the time. Full of worry -- about S, about myself. Even when I am happy, I feel sad.

I cry. and cry. and cry. and cry. And it physically hurts. After all -- what is emotion without physical response to it? ...

I'm so, so sorry, TooManyCats. There is something uniquely sinister about paying the "professional therapist" we believed could help us to actually hurt us so deeply. I will never be able to comprehend how a paid therapist can knowingly tear open old wounds and create new ones without an ounce of remorse. I understand how traumatic this all is, unfortunately. I experienced what you described above also. Sometimes it even felt like my ex-t was sending me hateful, negative energy attacks that shook my entire body to its core. It totally freaked me out, scared the crap out of me, and made me physically ill. It's all trauma.

Things are getting better though. The lows are not as debilitating nor as frequent as they once were. I'm finding ways of taking my power back, one tiny step at a time. I did find an extremely helpful, supportive therapist with strong, healthy boundaries. She has a lot of experience with trauma and abuse. She had also done her homework on the effects of therapist abuse when I started with her so she better understands what I need to work through. She's been a life-saver and beneficial to me in a lot of ways. I sure don't trust her though. But, her help is what I know I need and what is right for me so I keep going. For me to deprive myself of getting good professional help would be giving my ex-t power over me.

I think you've mentioned your ex-t was a narcissist before. Mine was. I have found strength through understanding. This woman https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/ helped me tremendously with that.

There have been a lot of other things that are helping me heal. Sometimes still, nothing helps me escape the pain. But I know I have to keep trying. It's a difficult, unfair journey we have been forced to endure. Best thing my t has told me is that I am a victim. She told me to allow myself the courage, compassion, and understanding to be a victim (short term) so that I can turn into a stronger survivor. That resonates true with me. So, find what it is you need, things that resonate true for you, and always remain curious. I think to keep trying and to keep reaching out is the best anyone of us can do.

[zoiecat]

You don't really say but I guess I'm wondering are you more upset that you can't see him anymore or that he has cancer and may die? You ask how can I ever trust another therapist. I guess you have to think of therapists as people number one. They are people who are not perfect and are going to make mistakes. Even though they say they might never leave you, we all know in reality they could get hit by a bus tomorrow. It's something they have no control over. So I guess like any other relationship, we have to realize that our therapists are just people.
They're not gods that are always going to be there regardless of what happens in the world. I understand missing your therapist but maybe if you look at it from a human point and that he's suffering just as much maybe that will help you a little.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

They're not gods that are always going to be there regardless of what happens in the world. I understand missing your therapist but maybe if you look at it from a human point and that he's suffering just as much maybe that will help you a little.

The problem though is that they portray themselves as a special caste with superior insight and empathy and healing power. Sets people up for a big crash. Also, some of them do in fact promise to always be there. Even if logically that is not possible, vulnerable people tend to listen with their emotions not their brains.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

You don't really say but I guess I'm wondering are you more upset that you can't see him anymore or that he has cancer and may die? You ask how can I ever trust another therapist. I guess you have to think of therapists as people number one. They are people who are not perfect and are going to make mistakes. Even though they say they might never leave you, we all know in reality they could get hit by a bus tomorrow. It's something they have no control over. So I guess like any other relationship, we have to realize that our therapists are just people.
They're not gods that are always going to be there regardless of what happens in the world. I understand missing your therapist but maybe if you look at it from a human point and that he's suffering just as much maybe that will help you a little.

I understand that my ex-t was human and a deeply suffering being. That's why she needed to hurt me. While I agree that it is helpful to see the therapist as human, and that all humans make mistakes, it still does not excuse the therapists behavior. What happened here is far more than a mistake. There is no excuse for a human therapist to exploit a client, to use the clients fears and insecurities to hurt them, to abuse their power over the client, to violate the clients boundaries, to take advantage of a vulnerable client... all for the sake of filling their own selfish, sick, needs...for three years. It's an added bonus when you have paid the therapist thousands of dollars to have this damage done onto you. It's fraud. It's deceit. This kind of mind f$#k is dangerously reckless. It's something most people can't understand unless you have been through it yourself. And I wouldn't wish it to happen on my worse enemy.

[Calilady]

OP, I get what you are saying. I occasionally feel physical pain with it comes to the ending between me and my former T. I can feel it in the core of me. Other times, it's only indication is a wave of panic. At worst, it feels like ice working its way through my body, starting in my toes, rising upwards.

I can tolerate physical pain, but emotional pain? Yikes.

Nothing we can say can ease that pain, but I do want you to know that I'm here to listen and hopefully it can provide some catharsis to you.

I, too, am at the one month mark. One month since last session, three weeks since our last interaction (which was me responding to her cancelling a session).
It is a very painful experience...I mean, we're in therapy for a reason and we've chosen a person to divulge all of this painful **** and are probably the person we talk to the very most. Then when you start fighting with that person and things change with them, it's painful. When it ends, it's devastating.

I can certainly feel you there. Just take it day by day. Hour by hour.

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

You don't really say but I guess I'm wondering are you more upset that you can't see him anymore or that he has cancer and may die?

Part of me thinks that if I knew that he was healthy and well, this would be so much easier... because I wouldn't be so worried about him. I wouldn't feel like time (to get over it and possibly be able to be friends with him still) is limited. (We were/are trying to maintain a friendship.) If I knew he was healthy and well, I would feel more able to be angry at him. I would feel more capable of walking away if that's what was best. But, his cancer diagnosis messes with this for me.

Also, if he had not been diagnosed with cancer, I just think this all would've played out differently. His diagnosis changed him. Our therapy was unethical nevertheless, but the cancer diagnosis just ...destroyed... any capacity for him to care for me as a therapist or friend. He could not support me. He basically either needed my support or for me to go away. And I was in need of help. And he's been my source of help for 3 years. My source of everything, really.... he was my world.

I am nearly equally upset that he's moved away and is no longer my therapist as I am that he has cancer. But, if I had to choose one, I would choose that he leave me and be healthy.

I love him. I really do.

[toomanycats]

AllHeart - I'm so sorry that you know this pain. I don't know if S was a narcissist. A lot of people have told me that he was, but that is without having met him or known him. Mostly, I think he's just really really messed up and needs a lot of help on his own stuff. Instead of getting help, he used our relationship to motivate himself and make him feel good.

[toomanycats]

Well ****

I just folded and texted S.

After 30 days of no contact.

What I sent:

Hi.

So, it's been a month. I was really hoping that, somehow, at the end of this month, things would be ok again. But, they aren't. And, because of that, I know that I likely will need more time. However, I am very worried about you and really want to know how you are. I really want to know what's going on in your life right now, how you are feeling, and what is going on with your health. I still love you. So much. And miss you more than you could possibly know. Could you give me an update? Tell me how you are?

Yes I know it is pathetic to tell him how freaking much I love him -.-

[LonesomeTonight]

It's not pathetic. You're in pain. You made it through the 30 days like you planned to. That took a lot of strength. I hope he sends a caring response.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

Well ****

I just folded and texted S.

After 30 days of no contact.

What I sent:

Yes I know it is pathetic to tell him how freaking much I love him -.-

Sometimes we need to "fold" and make contact to ease the pain. No matter the outcome of this text, it brings you one step closer to finding your truth. I find it exceptional that you told him how much you love him. You have good heart and that's something to be proud of. One of the last contacts I had with my ex-t was an email where I ripped her a new a--hole and then told her how much I loved her at the end of it. Seems a bit crazy now but I don't regret it. After all is said and done, I still love my ex-t. I'd give anything to be able to tell her that one more time. So what you did seems far from being pathetic to me. Love is forgiving. Forgiving is healing. You did was right for you and that's to be commended.

[toomanycats]

Thank you, AllHeart and Lonesome. I really needed to hear that my choice was ok...

I heard back from S. He is fine. Cancer is low stage, low grade, so no treating it right now. He is apparently still waiting to hear from the board about his license. He just got finished with a training. He's happy in AZ.

I thanked him for the update, told him that I could tell I was very much not ready for this and would be taking another month. Asked him to still update me if anything changed about his health or if he was in the area.

That's it.

On one hand, I feel it was the right choice -- I do feel lighter knowing he's ok and not guessing about it.

On the other hand, he said he "knew he would hear from me today," and my angry side wishes I'd made him wait and wonder if he'd ever hear from me again (and wait to see what, if anything, he'd do about it). But, I've decided that this side isn't the proper course of action. I don't wish to play games with S. I wish to live my life and for S to not be the center of it. I think checking in to see how he was doing helped with that.

So, that's that. S is fine; I can stop worrying about him, and I've laid an immediate boundary of no-contact for another month.

Hopefully, it's less of an intrusion in my life today. (Although I'm up at the crack of dawn.... I'm not sure if that's related to S or to taking Wellbutrin for the first time yesterday. That stuff definitely is an "upper" for me....)

[here today]

Sounds like your angry side knows he was still way out of bounds? He has no business looking to you to care about him. Even though you do and that's just how it still is.

So, that's that. S is fine; I can stop worrying about him, and I've laid an immediate boundary of no-contact for another month.

Hooray! Good for you!

[toomanycats]

Night is so hard.

I've, of course, been thinking of S...and our text exchange. How he made no mention of thinking of me (except to say he knew he'd hear from me), said nothing of wishing me well or hoping I was ok, didn't ask anything about me at all. Never responded to my saying I was taking another month. No "take care of yourself; we'll be ok, I promise" this time. Just, silence. Nothing. As if being without me is nothing to him. I am nothing to him.

My heart keeps breaking and breaking and breaking. I'm having a really hard time trying to decide if this is who and how he has always been. He used to have such sweet, comforting words for me. How is the person who held me while I cried in his office or wiped the tears from my face in the parking lot the same one who ignored me while I cried in a restaurant?

Is it because I tore him apart? Did I change everything with that? Turned against him, and he couldn't handle it? If I'd stayed the pleading, clinging child and not raged at him, would he still be my S? The comforting one? This hurts. I cannot even describe how much this hurts. I used to hug him and take a big, deep breath, and feel all of the tension I'd ever carried leave my body. He was my everything. My mom, my dad. He made everything better. And it's gone. All of it is gone. It's too much. It's just too much.

How do I still have tears to cry over this? How unfair that he gets to be (seemingly) happy and content while I break over and over and over all because of him. How could I ever really be friends with a person who has hurt me so deeply? Why can I not just see him for who he is, what he's done, and shun him in anger and fury? How can I still so deeply love someone who does not love me and only continues to hurt me? I want to stop loving him.