How the *bleep* does anyone ever get over being hurt by a T

Night is so hard.

I've, of course, been thinking of S...and our text exchange. How he made no mention of thinking of me (except to say he knew he'd hear from me), said nothing of wishing me well or hoping I was ok, didn't ask anything about me at all. Never responded to my saying I was taking another month. No "take care of yourself; we'll be ok, I promise" this time. Just, silence. Nothing. As if being without me is nothing to him. I am nothing to him.

My heart keeps breaking and breaking and breaking. I'm having a really hard time trying to decide if this is who and how he has always been. He used to have such sweet, comforting words for me. How is the person who held me while I cried in his office or wiped the tears from my face in the parking lot the same one who ignored me while I cried in a restaurant?

Is it because I tore him apart? Did I change everything with that? Turned against him, and he couldn't handle it? If I'd stayed the pleading, clinging child and not raged at him, would he still be my S? The comforting one? This hurts. I cannot even describe how much this hurts. I used to hug him and take a big, deep breath, and feel all of the tension I'd ever carried leave my body. He was my everything. My mom, my dad. He made everything better. And it's gone. All of it is gone. It's too much. It's just too much.

How do I still have tears to cry over this? How unfair that he gets to be (seemingly) happy and content while I break over and over and over all because of him. How could I ever really be friends with a person who has hurt me so deeply? Why can I not just see him for who he is, what he's done, and shun him in anger and fury? How can I still so deeply love someone who does not love me and only continues to hurt me? I want to stop loving him.