Can I ask T if she's married?

Or is that inappropriate? I'm not romantically into her or anything. I'm just genuinely curious but I don't know if this is overstepping my bounds and I don't want to make her uncomfortable.

Of course you can ask. In therapy nothing you say or ask is inappropriate. You can't overstep bounds by saying or asking something and it is definitely your job to make sure that the T wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

However, it is quite possible that the T doesn't answer your question and rather engages with you to understand why knowing her marital status is important to you. Even in that case you haven't done anything wrong to ask her.

You can ask anything that is on your mind. T can choose to answer or not, based on what they prefer to share with clients. Sometimes, even asking questions that may *seem* inappropriate can give a T insights into us that they wouldn't normally get. Keep in mind, for some clients, especially ones with trauma histories, topics come up in therapy that most people would be horrified to hear in a restaurant or out in public. I can almost guarantee your T has been asked that question before, and if she thinks it may benefit you for her to answer, she might, while if she sees no reason for you to know, she might not. She has every right to choose to not answer, just as you have every right to ask. If you're curious, ask. Like feileacan said, your T may engage with you on why you are curious about that.

What do you mean by that? I have sexual trauma. She knows of its existence but none of the details.

I don't even know why I want to know this about her. I guess I just want to know more about her, but i don't want to become overly attached to her so i've been careful not to ask her anything about herself. The only thing i did ask is if she has kids and she paused and said no. I didn't ask why.

I think I'm afraid to ask because if she refuses to answer then i probably wouldn't feel as comfortable with her going forward because it's like she is holding something back from me and it seems like something benign, like something you might ask in conversation with someone you just met. So why would someone refuse to answer?

So if she does refuse to answer then all those things you wrote here would be very valuable things to explore. You could then also ask her why did she refuse to answer.

You could actually discuss these things first with her without really asking the question. You could tell her that you want to ask her something but are afraid to do that because you're afraid she would refuse to answer and how that would make you feel etc etc.

It's not really about whether she is married or not and whether she answers or not. It is all about your feelings, getting to know them and understanding why something makes you feel x but something else makes you feel y. It's hard to see when you are in the middle of those feelings though.

Ok, I see what you are saying. I guess I shouldn't be so afraid of learning about myself, but i am!

You may ask, it's not inappropriate, but don't be surprised if she declines to answer. Instead, she might want to explore what makes you interested. Or not. Therapists give different responses to those kinds of questions depending on what they believe would be in the best interests of the client. They may disclose some of their personal information sometimes, but, most of the time they would choose either to decline to answer without any further comments or they would decline to answer but would want to explore why this information is important to the client. As I said, it all depends on how they perceive the situation and what they believe would be in the best interests of the client. There is no general rule about this other than to use their best judgment of what would benefit the client.

My t answered questions about his sexual orientation. It was cool of him to be so open. It helped establish our working relationship.

You can ask, I will say my pdoc wouldn't answer But would investigate the reasons you felt it was important to know.
It's part of his process apparently,I don't know I have never bee interested enough to ask. I only found this out after coming on here and discovering that other people actually wanted to know this stuff about their T's.

So I asked if anyone asked him this kind of stuff , he said 'sometimes,..... why do you want to know?' (Eye roll)

Hope whatever happens it helps forward things with your T.

I think it's fine to ask whatever you want. My T would answer a question like this. Actually she occasionally mentions her family members (very briefly) if it's relevant to something I'm talking about, so I don't think I ever had to ask. She has not answered everything I have asked her, but she has never gotten upset that I was curious about something. It seems pretty natural to wonder about spouses/kids/pets.

Me: Hello
T: Hello
Me:How are you?
T: How do you think I am?

You can ask explore anything in therapy, they may nt answer though. Personally it bugs me T is so shut off. I wanted to know more about him than him just being a blank slate.

When I was in therapy with PrevT and asked her a personal question- her reply usually was,

"Why do you need to know?"

Sometimes my answer was, "It will help me know if I can relate to you--or if you can relate to me.."

You can ask your therapist anything.

Personally, I'd be put off if a therapist didn't answer such a basic question.

I can imagine very personal questions that a therapist might decline to answer (we are promised confidentiality, but they are not) but basic bio info...?

I don't think my therapist has ever declined to answer anything. He doesn't ask why I want to know. He just answers. It's one of the things I really like about him.

I don't think I would ever feel comfortable opening up to someone who is that closed off. I understand I am paying her to listen to me but if she doesn't seem like a real person to me, i might as well talk to a wall.

I don't even know why I want to ask her this but ever since I first thought about asking her I can't stop thinking about wanting to ask her. I think it comes down to me needing to feel closer to her before I can trust her with more information. I don't care if she's married, divorced, divorced 8 times, lesbian, etc. I think i want to feel a reciprocated trust between us.

But i'm also worried about becoming too attached to her like my previous therapist, even though she is a woman I'm probably prone to developing unhealthy attachments to people

I would prefer this type of therapist. I agree that such a basic question shouldn't be treated like I'm asking for her social security number. And asking me "why do you want to know" seems accusatory and would push me away. To be honest, if she refused to answer, i don't think i'd feel comfortable continuing with her. I don't care what her answer is, I don't care if she's married, divorced 10 times or living with 3 men and a prostitute, i just want to know that she trusts me with something so little (that is public record anyway) when i'm trusting her with something so big (that no one else knows).

What happened with the previous therapist?

Don't you think there is a reason for why you become attached to people like this? For me it is not helpful to label it as unhealthy and try to avoid it - if there is something in you that causes such attachments then you can't run away from it, unless you want to live in isolation, which again isn't healthy.

Would it be more useful and less judgemental to take the stance of curiosity: why do I become so attached to my therapists? What's behind it?

I tended to fall in love very quickly. Someone paid me a moment of attention - looked me deeply into eye or expressed some interest and that was enough for me to fall in love. This pattern repeated and repeated itself many times in my life, leading to nothing good. Finally it occurred to me to ask why does it happen. At this point I started therapy. First I fell in love with the therapy setting (I can't describe it any better - I felt being in love but not in therapist), then I became very quickly obsessional about the therapist - I counted the hours and minutes until the next session, although I have very frequent sessions.

Now I have been in therapy for 4 years, the obsession to therapist is gone. I am definitely attached to him but I think it is good. I've understood to logic behind these fallings in love and I don't think it would ever happen to me like this again.

Wouldn't you want to know what is it behind this symptom of becoming "too" attached or developing an "unhealthy" attachment?

Could you just tell that to her?

He's away at the moment- I see him on tuesday, but this difference was highlighted when I saw my new psychiatrist 5 days ago. I made a comment about waiting for the new game of thrones episode, he chipped in with a "me too". But it was other things like he did his placement in India so could understand my family dynamic. I'm still in medical school, and made a comment about being worried if I could work later on, but he also told me that his consultant at hospital had bipolar disorder and was able to manage his condition. That if he was unwell he took time off. I left feeling connected to him because of all these little nothings which add up to something.

I think you've found your answer here and definately bring it up with her:

Wanting to strengthen your trust in your T is understandable.

Do you feel 'guilty' about feeling attached (or not) to your female T? I don't believe having an attachment to T is necessarily wrong. Your attachment style can be due to unmet needs. If she is a good T, she can help you examine the healthy or unhealthy attachments in your life.

My T and I are talking about my unhealthy attachment history in therapy, too. It can be a helpful topic to bring up.

There are some things that I feel a therapist must be in tune with me for us to get anywhere at all. I need to know they have children because I don't think you can truly understand how it feels unless you've experienced it. I like to know they like animals. And I need to know our politics are similar. That last one I haven't been able to get an explicit answer to (or even explicitly ask), but can get a feel for it in our initial conversations. I could certainly see situations where it is important for you to know if your therapist has experienced marriage. You're supposed to be evaluating their usefulness to you. Mine have never told me much, but I always got the basics of what I needed to know to do good work.

I don't feel any attachment to her and that worries me because i couldn't open up to previous T until I felt something. I think my attachments to men happen quicker and women I stay guarded which makes no sense given my history.

She isn't completely closed off to telling me things. I asked her once if she had kids and she paused for a second then answered no. I was happy just to know, and didn't care either way (I don't have kids so it doesn't matter as much). We were also talking about cats once and she revealed she used to have a cat. That made me feel closer to her.

Cali said-“But i'm also worried about becoming too attached to her like my previous therapist, even though she is a woman I'm probably prone to developing unhealthy attachments to people”

Hope you are doing well. I have been thinking about you.

Can you bring up ‘attachments’ with your T? If you feel she is an ethical, good therapist, this might be an ideal time to examine healthy and unhealthy attachments with her. Hoping she can help you with your questions about attachments to her as well as any unhealthy attachments in your life.

Wouldn’t it be better to work on unhealthy attachments with your female T and realize they are not shameful....just a symptom of some unmet need or trauma in your past...

Unmet needs and trauma can create a ‘hole’ that needs filled with security, safety, stability, positive regard..and many other issues.