Feel abandoned in Therapy

I don't really know what's going on, but if someone could give me insight that be truly appreciated.

My therapist told me I've become reliant on them.
They said this after I mentioned how I panicked going to two locations and how I thought does my therapist really know what they doing?

I don't really know how myself thinking does my therapist really know what they doing relate to me being reliant to my therapist.
In fact I feel quite hurt about it because I'm going through a hard time fighting off thoughts of sucidie, so I feel they don't take that into account.

Anyway the last session I had with him has changed from twice a week therapy to once a week. I knew this was going to happen a month a head. It changed to once a week once the DBT group had started. Though I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it even though I knew month a head. My therapist told me do I feel abandoned? I responded with a yes. Since I mentioned the therapy go to once a week and how he ended session as well. He goes all quite and say time is up, I felt really dismissed as if it's a cut of an power in the house and you like "huh? What the?" I told them this how I feel dismisssed and they went on about how I feel abanonded but how they don't want to go over time because then there client is waiting. I'm thinking well instead of rushing and making me feel panic and you coming across as seta done on to other client, why not give yourself 10 minutes or 15 minutes in between clients for yourself. I didn't say that but I feel like too. At the end he told me we really need to get this abandonment out of your head, I be here next week. So they suggested to like a scarf and he holds it and I hold it and I pull it during thearpy session whenever I feel I don't alone?

I don't know if what they doing is red flag in therapy or it's unprofessional? Or what.

Hi, TeaFruit. I'm not sure what to make of his behavior either. If you don't mind my asking, are you borderline? I know from experience that that made me feel abandoned when I really wasn't.

Let's see someone else's take on it, though.

Sounds manipulative and exploitive. I think if the abrupt ending followed by a week of being alone with the thoughts/feelings that arose during the session make you feel abandonded, then it's abandonment. Maybe not literally but emotionally.

Yeah how did you know? Well I been told I have borderline line traits.
I just feel betrayed like as if the next client is more important than I am, who is some old man after me. I'm thinking well I'm young and pretty why is that old fart more important than me, I have potential to get better not him. He done his days. Why are you bothering on him?

I even kinda ah... try to dress nice so that my therapist pay attention to me or
Say something nice about my looks.

Based on what you've described I'd characterize the T's behavior as being incompetent. Unfortunately, the type of incompetence they displayed is very common as the professional training itself contains many erroneous ideas, not based on research and not connected to the reality of how the human brain and everything it's connected to operates. The existing trauma research demonstrates how some well-established psychotherapy methods can be harmful because they don't take into account the physiology of trauma. Your T seems to follow the classic traditional methods when they don't have to listen to you and try to understand your own experience, but, instead, they are supposed to give you their own ideas of what you "must be" feeling that should be accepted as facts and also tell you what to do about it. This is a very authoritarian approach and an arrogant one to take. Despite this method being taught in training, I consider therapists who use it incompetent because they don't have the reality-based knowledge. And, frankly, I would question the intentions of a therapist who chooses to practice this way.

So, my characterization of the behavior you've described is incompetence. In that sense, your own insight on that is right on, I think, and that is "they don't know what they are doing". Beyond that I cannot say anything because I don't
have enough information to judge the therapist's intentions and to speculate on why they do what they do.

Should I bring this up to my therapist?

It doesn't seem like this is a good t for you. I think that "exploitive" goes a bit far. But doesn't mean that he is a good t either. Have you tried interviewing other t's? The scarf thing sounds corny to me

How did I know? The major issue with borderlines is a fear of abandonment.

From what the other folks said, you might need to try another therapist. But keep in mind that borderlines do tend to jump from therapist to therapist, because they easily get upset.

I wouldn't tell your therapist what folks here said. My opinion, anyway.

Well I did jump therapist to therapist. First I meet a therapist for CBT for general anxiety disorder then he left after 14 weeks because that is how long the therapy was just when I lost my job due to discrimination. Then after that it was.down Hill from there. I went to see another therapist at the same place where the other therapist was at. Because they were students finishing off there Masters. This therapist force me to go to public health system so I did and well this current therapist I have now said at beginning stages of therapy he miggt leave and that just set me off.

From my experience with the type of therapist like yours I've learned that it's not productive to bring it up with them, as they are the kind of people who aren't interested in engaging in the open and honest dialog. They believe they are always right, they don't see any validity in their clients' point of view and they never take responsibility for their behavior or acknowledge how their actions affect clients. Of course, there is no way for me to know how your T would react if you bring it up, but my general experience with that type of person is that it's better not to waste energy on trying to solve the problem with them. A much better thing to do is to make a clean break and to start looking for a better match.

I don't necessarily see any unprofessionalism in your description. You describe your feelings which are perfectly valid. You also mention some things the therapist has said, which, when taken out of context, can be interpreted which ever way one wants them to interpret (most probably incorrectly though). It's possible that you are not a good match with this T though.

Could you explain what do you think/feel in particular was unprofessional regarding your T? I mean that you feeling abandoned definitely isn't a sign of therapist's unprofessionalism. It's a symptom that no therapist can take away from you unless you work through it somehow. The exception is of course when the therapist clearly acts in an abandoning way, which I don't read out from your description.

Is it possible that you are projecting your own experiences on to the OPs therapist here?

I don't know , I brought up how they answered there phone during end of therapy and I said it was unprofessional and they agreed it was unprofessional and explained why they answered it.

my ex-T demonstrated this exercise with me mainly so i could use it at home with my husband when i was triggered. it can help with grounding but also assists the the person who is triggered to be able to 'communicate' with out words (by how forceful they pull back on the scarf or rope) how much dysregulation they are experiencing in that moment. this is helpful to those who are incapable or struggle with being able to use cognitive language in a triggered moment of flight or flight to covey their emotional state.

funny enough, this is probably one of the more helpful skills that my ex-T actually taught me in therapy.

teafruit, i agree with Ididitmyway and that your T sounds too incompetent to be helpful for the needs and understanding that you require. the one unprofessional thing i see he is doing by what you shared in your original post is that he is not admitting his limitations and referring you on to someone who does have the proper training and competency to assist you.

Ts who are incompetent, although not intentional, have the potential to cause a client more harm than good in the long run.

As I said, I don't know how your therapist would react. If you had a previously good experience bringing things up to them, by all means, do it again if you think it would help. There is no right or wrong choice. Just because I've shared my view doesn't mean you have to follow it. Do whatever feels right to you. What are you going to lose anyway? You can leave any time. I just wanted to caution you against a possible scenario when people try to work things out with therapists endlessly even when it's abundantly clear that the therapist is not interested in hearing them out. Whether this is your case or not I don't know. I just wanted you to be aware that such situation does occur and that it's not uncommon.

What has his age got to do with anything? He is just as important as you and just as worthy and capable of change as you. Are you saying people on here who are older than you aren't worth their T bothering about them?

Oh you are kiwi too. That is a bit ironic both your ex T and my T suggest same thing and we are in the same country.
That is interesting my Tbdidnt explain to me fully the purpose of it in such get detail as you present here.
I've had try it with my partner before and it works but some times you feel so emotional and stuck in your head you forget .

Well I wouldn't know anyone's age on online.
I didn't thought of anyone here online is not capable. I'm just angry that the client after me is ruining my session because my T gets all anxious.

Sometimes we are really lonely, sometimes it feels like abandonment, sometimes it's just weird advice that isn't working, sometimes they think a technique is a replacement for a human being and that it will fix everything.... sometimes we are lost in a depression... sometimes we are just exhausted from all the life problems...so many things can affect us...just don't give up... Try to get the feelings in a journal and talk it out next session... Maybe not...just do what you need to do without giving up on the therapy and the attention you need for your pain to get it to heal....hang in there... just don't give up

Thank you I really appreciate that because even my family and partner is questioning my therapist after going seeing my T for over a year now. Few things have improved it's just rescently after therapy I end up really upset and sometimes crying and my partner is tried of picking up the pieces. Because my partner says they deal with it all week but my T just deals with it a hour a week. My partner reckons that my T just listens doesn't remind me "Hey stop talking we need to sit and feel the feelings" my partner told me when one time they came in for a session with me , it seemed that my T wasn't interested in helping me.
Hearing all this upsetted me because I thought maybe I am none thing to my T and just some client not a human being. I'm just some takeaway fires.
My partner is frustrated because he doesn't know how to help me.
He even asked a meeting with my T and keyworker alone but they never fellow up on it accept for the family meeting we had.

I think it's perfectly ok to be angry that the session ends but the session has its beginning and end and the fact that it ends on time has actually nothing to do with T's anxiety. It's just the arrangement of things. If the session would be longer, it would still have to end and you might not believe it, but it could be as painful as it feels to you now.

My T has actually the same arrangement - sessions run back-to-back and the session starts exactly on time and ends exactly on time. I've been angry about it, I've ranted about it. I've accused him for not giving me enough time necessary for me to open up.

But the main problem is still that for some reason I'm not able to make use of the time I'm given the way I would like to and that's why the session time seems to short.

For some reason I allow myself excited with emotional stuff just right before the end of the session, so that I have to leave frustrated (and probably secretly hope that he became frustrated and anxious about me too).

It's not (at least for me) really about the time or the setting. It's more about what am I trying to communicate unconsciously that has to be communicated this way right in the end of the session that cannot be communicated by words while there is still time to process it.

Therapy brings up feelings and can even trigger bad memories...so keep in mind that it affects how we view our therapist... sometimes we have to get another therapist when it's not improving after trying everything to improve the situation... For example.... usually because they can't get you calm or because you can't calm yourself down.... depending on what you are getting treatment for...

It's entirely normal to experience abandonment when changing Ts or cutting back on visits. Unfortunately many Ts don't handle it well and minimize your experience. That doesn't make it any easier though.

However my experience with borderlines it that abandonment is a huge issue. My daughter is borderline and bipolar and is like that. I raised her as a single mother, and I "abandoned her" to go to work to pay the bills. Hopping from T to T makes it difficult too. The only thing I can tell you is to search your heart and try to decide if this T is right for you. If not move on.

Wishing you a safe journey

heh...must be a kiwi thing