Giving our power away

Well, if he understood the effect he had on you then I can't see how his behaviour could be anything other than sadistic. I suppose if you were still seeing him he could be hurting you with the intention of helping you in the long-term, in some big-picture way... (though I'd still find that to be deeply unpleasant) But in your last session? To continue to treat you with such cruelty? Why?!

I suppose this is as good a time as any to say that I haven't left my T. I am seeing him tomorrow. So everyone can stop saying that I'm brave and strong and doing the right thing. I am weak and stupid and he owns me.

You are NOT choosing to feel this way, you are eloquently describing your therapy and your feelings are genuine.

You think a dissociated part emerged due to your T's meanness and lack of care?

I went through a similar process and that was years ago. It was/is excruciating. I think I stay angry to avoid the pain of how hurt I was.

It sounds like he was really damaging to you, I am so sorry that happened to you. My previous T had countertransference to my neediness, his mother was an alcoholic. Like my previous T, your T clearly had his own stuff going on and wasn't controlling it. I know you think it is due to you, and I know nothing I say will change that. But try to imagine what might have happened to your T that would have made him act the way he did. I'm not asking you to feel bad for him in any way, he is fully at fault, I'm just trying to give you a reason (other than you) why he might have been so cruel.

I hope I did not sound like I was saying you chose this? Therapy unfolds in many ways. Your process and his may have been a mismatch. I am sorry you are hurting

I guess I see it as intentions in trying to help me intercoupled with some kind of powerstruggle (is that what sadistic is about?). He often sees patterns I don't have, so maybe there is some countertransference there. Probably a mixture of all three. I don't know why he had to be so mean. It hurts.

If your T was not understanding you, then that means there is a possibility of him learning to understand you. So there's a chance. Too soon to bow out probably, so not weak. Hope it works for the best.

How did you get through it and come around to the other side? Or are you saying it still impacts you? How long ago was it?

I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. It was helpful to get off my chest. I want to move on but it seems I'm not ready as evidenced by this thread.

Even if it is countertransference, it still is because of me. At least in my emotional mind. But perhaps not in my rational mind.

Thanks for trying to help. I'm sorry you had to go through something similar. I hope you can share your story here too. It's unbelievable how much harm can be done. I would have never guessed it could hurt this much.

Thanks, I wasn't thinking you said this. I appreciate your support. I don't know how his process could be a match for anyone with my background. I want to talk to him again. See, that's what happens. The last point of contact goes unresolved, leaves me running back to him. When he is supportive and kind, I feel content and have positive thoughts all week. But it's every other week. Maybe that is his method. How can he not see the harm. I think if he would be consistent, I could really grow as there isn't focus on the attachment feelings. I can focus more on myself and what I need to do to improve. But he doesn't consider my suggestions.

Hope to get past this, or through this, sooner than later.

It happened about eight years ago. He had countertransference and I truly believe he despised me at the end. He pressured me into leaving (thank god). I finally told him the next session was the end. So, at the next session, he told me "I am terminating this relationship." I am shocked that others here have experienced the same thing. It's either a CYA type of thing, or a **** you type of thing, I'm not sure which and don't care at this point. I sought a new therapist and had one within about three weeks after termination. He is kind, validating, understanding, brilliant, has a lot of experience, and he acts consistently. I"m stating facts, I'm not idealizing him. I totally understand that you feel it was your fault, and it is good that you can fathom that your rational mind might not think this. That is a start. Current T has taught me to be compassionate with myself, although I still have a way to go, I've made a lot of progress. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Ouch yes I can relate

I'm so glad you found a helpful therapist Anastasia. That was so mean of the other one! Good thing you left. No one should have to go through that. My therapist finally admitted that he does NOT have issues with countertransference that impact the therapy, which is one reason why I think he is trying to help me somehow. I am so confused though...

I can't see another therapist as I have no money and most don't take insurance here. Left in limbo. I told him I'd try to come back in a few months, but not sure if that will happen.

I really think my T is good for the most part, but maybe it's like what you said Lucozader, he doesn't understand. But his not understanding is different than yours, he doesn't seem to understand how to work with my trauma background. I try to tell him several times and he said this was transference and that there is no client-therapist relationship outside of the transference.

But I realized some things about my reaction last night-It feels alienating when I'm in a desert suffering from dire thirst, while people surrounded by water say "just take a drink" or are not thirsty to begin with. That's why I felt misunderstood. I can't fault people for that, but it is very hard when people in a completely different place, with different resources, say everyone who doesn't have those resources or characteristics should be able to do what others who have those things can do.

Some people say therapists should have experienced similar things as clients to truly understand. I think that can be true with some things or some people. Not always but I can see that now.

The number 1 reason people seek euthanasia is not pain and suffering,surprisingly, it's the loss of autonomy-disempowerment. I probably fit in with that group. Oregon has legal euthanasia, I might move there so that I can have a peaceful ending to it all.

(((Rayne))) don't give up...please.

I can't even be empowered to end things peacefully. If I move to Oregon, even if I get a driver's license, whether or not I have residency to get services is dependent upon someone who doesn't care about me at all, who is not living in my pain or thinks I'm not worthy of compassion. I might move there and do all this to prepare myself, yet some stranger's decision can determine my fate.

The only way to empower myself

Hi Rayne,

So sorry you're feeling like that. I think I understand where you're at, I feel like it's somewhat similar to "places" or feelings I have had. But of course I can't know and more importantly neither can you.

In processing the termination with my last T I went through a very bad time last November and December. I could send you some links if you like? Most of the threads I started were pretty "heady" and maybe intellectual attempts to make sense of the depths of pain and misery. So I'm absolutely not sure that any of that would make sense or feel relatable to you.

Maybe the relevant thing now is that after experiencing the depths of the unbearableness, alone (except for PC), I believe "I" (or, finally, my nervous system) connected the trauma of disappointment and rejection by my last T with the some old, probably dissociated states and feeling from my childhood. And, as "they say", the only way out is through. The problem was, and I believe had been all along, how to get "in" the unbearable dissociated state again to get through it when it was so importantly, critically defended against with everything that was in my (unconscious) psyche.

I found that sometimes people seemed to understand me, sometimes they didn't, but even when nobody seemed to understand I got to write and vent and, if not fully accepted, I wasn't rejected. So, I've been getting to be "me" here. What will I do with that, now and as I hopefully continue to get "better"? I don't know. Very frustrating. Very scary.

Rayne, you're not worthless. I know what it's like to feel like that and I'm still not sure but what I'm worthless or worse. And there are lots of moments in my day that are filled with such feelings, but less intense, somewhat less totally miserable than last November and December. On a "pain" scale from 1 to 10 they are more like a 3 or 4 these days, not an 11, which is what I was picking up from your post. And I do understand an 11 on the pain scale from 1 to 10. Unbearable, past unbearable, unending and getting worse. Only when fully felt it does, eventually, pass in intensity and get more and more integrated, along with some occasional good experiences in life.

So, this post is pretty heady discussion, and I'm not at all sure it's what you may need, but I hope you can feel the intent -- connection, wishing you the best. A contrary view -- you are WORTHWHILE, not worthless. And, logically, there is no way that you can be 100% sure that your (current) view is correct and mine wrong.

I look forward to you getting through this and I look forward to seeing what you make of it all once you are through.

I think you are worthwhile and you deserve help, Rayne. I know how hard it is to feel that sometimes, though. I hope you can hang on and that things will get easier for you.

Thanks Luc. It seems like the issue I'm struggling with is about loss, plain and simple. Not sure why I started talking about it like this as loss really has little to do with giving your power away. There are many suffering losses, and we don't tell them they are choosing to be hurt when they lose someone, we offer compassion. Its loss-it hurts.

Losing my T (and the way it ended) abruptly when I'm at my worst and really in need of support. I have no means to see a therapist now and am alone and want to die. I think i was able to process some of the feelings here, but wish i had some comfort, as I dont have the ability to comfort myself. My Ts presence woukd be comforting now...

I hope you're doing ok and your T is helping.