Becoming friends with former T

I had to stop seeing my former T about 3 months ago, because I was graduating from my school and no longer an active student there. On our last session, he handed me his card with personal contact information and told me I can contact him for anything in the future. I've reached out to him a couple of times since then because I have problems at home, and speaking to him really helps me put things into perspective. Well, the last time I spoke to him, he mentioned that he'd like to move our professional relationship into a more casual one -- a friendship, if you will. I agreed at the time, because I didn't see any harm to this. However, I've grown to be a bit wary since I do have erotic transference for him, and I am in a relationship. He doesn't reach out to me at all unless I ask to speak to him, so I don't feel like he's pushing the boundaries too far. I am aware that becoming friends is frowned upon here, but I'm pretty conflicted.

On one hand, I would like to be friends with him. If our friendship doesn't work out, I know I wouldn't be too hurt about it. Despite my erotic transference, I'm not emotionally dependent on him at all. Most of all, I love hearings his perspective on things because it helps me deal with my problems better. On the other hand, I'm apprehensive, because well, it's unethical . I think he might know about my erotic transference for him, and he might have a thing for me too. I have a feeling he's probably waiting to see how things roll out between us, and the taboo aspect of it makes it exciting. But, I do find it slightly creepy that he initiated this.

I just had to get this out of my chest, because I'm trying to resist the urge to text him more frequently. It's hard to do what's right.

I'd be wary too. Did you discuss your erotic transference with him?

When my exT and I finished I talked about becoming Facebook friends, she said ethically I would have to wait 3 years before I could add her as a friend and have a casual check in.

No, not directly. I made up a guy and tried to talk to him about my erotic transference, but I think he has an idea that it was about him. I thought it was embarrassingly obvious after that session.

I believe that they're legally obligated to wait 3 years. That's why I'm a little skeptical of his intentions.

Is there a legal obligation for a friendship?

I read that the ethics board makes 'em wait 5 years for a romantic relationship (hopefully the feelings have cooled off by then) lol

I thought it was only a limit on romantic relationships now. I think it used to be 3 years for friendship and 7 years for romantic. Last I read it was only 3 years for romantic and no limit on friendship.

I saw it too, while it's "frowned" upon for friendships, it's not something that can't happen. I've seen many stories of ppl ending and FB friending their T's.

I am not sure what OP and T want with "casual", I suppose its different for all. Personally if I ever went that route with mine, FB friends and maybe meeting up for a walk or something every now and then would be good enough for me. I'd feel weird hanging out with a married man in most other forms...

I guess if he is ok with it, go for it, if you can handle it, but just know that one of the reasons it "Frowned upon" is you can't go back to him for therapy once you cross that line.

Don't do it don't do it DON'T DO IT.

Just...

Speaking from the horrendous experience I'm going through now with a T who "wanted to be friends."

You will get so unbelievably hurt.

Don't. Do. It.

I'd like to add a voice to the message not to do this.
When my ex therapist contacted me looking for friendship I was curious and ambivalent. Possibly similar to how you feel now. I also had ET which I never directly disclosed but he may have known about.
Anyway, everybody I spoke to about it advised me against contact (including on this forum) and my current therapist was very concerned. In the end I didn't respond. Now time has passed my transference has faded away. I am so grateful that I never let him lead the relationship into friendship and I am angry at him for his complete disregard for my autonomy and my wellbeing. His needs should never even have been brought into it. It would have done me nothing but harm to have begun a friendship with him. I had a lucky escape. I really hope you too heed the advice here on PC.

Couldn't agree more. It is worrying me that there seem to be several instances on this forum of 'therapists' acting so unprofessionally. Coming from the UK where I guess things may be more regulated this has not been my experience over here but maybe in the US this is not the case?

Nope, unfortunately I've seen plenty of bad stories from people in the UK too. In fact if anything I think the profession is less regulated over here.

What happened that it went so wrong? I have a hard time seeing how things can be bad in doing this but then again, I also am a loner by nature and don't hang out with people often anyway so in my mind, it would be a very low key thing

I guess it may depend on the type of therapy offered and the regulatory body involved, but wherever it happens, it shouldn't be.

Well, for one, my ex T knows everything about me while I know very little about him. Imagine being naked in front of someone fully clothed and they never have to take a damn thing off, but you can't put anything back on. What is known can never be unknown. And we are not typically the same people with our therapists as we are with our friends. We reveal things to them that we'd never reveal to a friend or really, to anyone.

Our relationship began with a huge power imbalance since he was my therapist and I was paying him -- it can never really be balanced.

And, he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why I cannot just suddenly view him as just a friend. The transference that happened in our therapy renders it impossible. When he lets me down, he doesn't let me down as a friend, it feels as if he's letting me down as a parent or someone with a very intimate relationship with me (because our relationship WAS intimate -- and I don't mean that in the sexual way).

There will always be imbalance. Always. He will always matter more to me than I ever did to him. He will always have been more important to me than I ever will be to him. And it's torturous. And it's even worse if the ex therapist refuses to acknowledge it or see it from your POV.

I am wondering if what he was really trying to tell you is that he can no longer work with you on therapy-type matters. In other words, if you need help with personal problems, he really expects you to find a therapist rather than using him still as your therapist. Perhaps that is what he was meaning. Not -- "I want to be your friend," but rather "I can no longer serve you professionally; you need to find a therapist for your personal issues."

Thanks for putting this into perspective. Like DP, I couldn't see the harm in it. I do agree that there is a power imbalance for the exact reasons you've mentioned. I mentioned how I thought it was weird that I know nothing about him, and he seems okay with sharing me more of his personal life. I'm okay with him not being able to be my T in the future. He can't anyway unless I somehow enroll back to school. Though, if he does let me down, I don't think I'll be too hurt by it. People come and go in my life. It'll suck, but I'll be fine by the end of the day. I really like talking to him because he always give me a different perspective on my issues which helps me cope. I see him as another person I can confine to, but I also go to other people in my life for my issues, so I not super attached to him.

I became friends with a therapist along time ago. It was not a big deal. We shared a hobby and went on with our lives.

Hmm, it might be, though I'm not getting that vibe at all. He seems pretty pleased to help me whenever I reach out to him, and doesn't mind speaking on the phone well past midnight. It's been all me so far initiating contact and ending our conversations.

What are his personal circumstances? Single, married? Is he helping you simply out of the goodness of his heart, or do you think he has ulterior motives?

My intentions are to keep him as a friend and meet up for coffee every now and then. I'll call him when I have to deal with my issues just as I'll call any of my other closer friends. I definitely don't plan on talking to him on a regular basis.

He's single. We have a lot in common with our upbringing, so I guess he sees himself in me for the struggles I'm going through right now. I grew up with very emotionally unavailable parents and so did he. I don't think he has ulterior motives but I do think that he's attracted to me. He seems like he genuinely cares whenever I talk to him off campus.

I think we are very different in this issue. I think it is best to give a general advice against it because of many reasons discussed here. I guess the more attached you are to your T and the more intense emotions are involved the more no it is.

But life is not so black and white. Things happen and it might be ok as well. I wouldn't feel naked or that power difference is such a serious issue in some casual communication. And I don't even wish to be a friends with T. But also if it would happen, not a huge deal. I guess I am just not so emotionally invested to my T.

I agree with Lolagrace. It sounds like you are contacting him to talk about your problems. He may be trying to suggest that you really need a therapist for this and that he is going to be your "friend" in the sense of welcoming an occasional holiday card or update from you, etc., and that he cannot be your therapist. A "friendship" does not usually consist of one person consulting the other for problems, so maybe what he is saying is that acting as a therapist is no longer his role in your life.

If he truly wanted a friendship with you, as in meeting you for coffee, sharing his own personal troubles with you, going to the movies with you, etc. I would really caution you away from that. There are a million people in the world to be friends with. Well, actually, billions. I think the danger of problems is not worth trying to alter your relationship with your therapist especially if you have had erotic transference, etc.

My instinct says that this isn't a good idea. If you are initiating all the contact to talk about your life and get his take, that sounds more like a therapy dynamic and less like a friend dynamic. There's still a power differential there. I would wonder why he needs/enjoys that kind of validation. Also, how would/will you feel if he does start acting more like a friend and shares complicated, uncomfortable things about himself with you? There could be things about his life that surprise or unnerve you, and that could affect the way you feel about him and the way you feel about the therapy work you did together. It seems like Pandora's box to me, and it makes me question his judgment.

I'm not in this situation or anywhere close to it but I just had to say, maybe I'm a rare person but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if he opened up more about himself and his problems etc, that is what friends do... and I accept all types of people. I don't care about their religions or beliefs of other things etc, if we get along and they are good to animals, we are fine.

Again, not in this situation, just saying I personally wouldn't mind. My T has shared quite a bit with me already anyway though. I like it, it makes me feel more comfortable opening up to him