changed mind

[Moment]

Well, a bunch of people have looked at this thread despite it being empty. I think it's because this is one of the hardest things. At least for me. I see a bunch of problems:

(1) Some of us have been so removed from our own needs for so long that we have trouble recognizing what they even are. You can say, "you have to ask for what you need" but if you don't even know what you need.....that is a difficult first step, figuring out your needs and being able to even articulate them.

(2) In my experience, simply asking is not likely to result in action. If people generally don't ask for what they need, it's probably because past experience has taught them it is pointless. If you're surrounded by those same people, or similar people that you've picked to spend your life with because they felt familiar, the trick is not so much "asking for what you need" as "demanding that your need be met." This is difficult.

(3) If you ask for what you need, or even demand it, you may still not get it. This is very painful. In fact, I think one reason people do not ask is the fear of an outright refusal and having to really face the fact that the need will not be met.

(4) Sometimes I get annoyed because I feel like some pretty basic needs are pretty obvious. And I feel like "you have to ask for what you need" really puts the responsibility on you in a way that can feel almost like blaming the victim.

Having said that....I do think therapy has made me think a lot about what my "needs" are, and has alerted me to the need to think about what my needs are, and has given me some backbone in trying to get those needs met. But the process is not at all simple, at least it hasn't been for me, and it can be extremely depressing. On the other hand, there have been occasions when I've been able to state, "I need you to do X." And the other person was like, "Oh, I didn't know that, okay." And it really has been that simple, on occasion.

[DP_2017]

Not sure what this was about but based on the title, I'm gonna tell you a story.

I only been in T since April and one of my issues has been this, I've always been shy about it and just go with whatever anyone else wants. In fact, the first day T met me, he called me "Very agreeable" which I laughed because it's so true

We've done some role play exercise etc and other things that have helped me get better at this and now I just bravely ask, I'll say whatever pops in my head to ask him. It's probably because I feel a high level of comfort with him and feel safe there.

Recently, I was nervous because I always assume I'm gonna say something to spook him and I asked "Can we walk for sessions??" "Sure!" So we do that every time now, it has become one of the best tools for me, I find it so much easier to start the session that way and talk about tough topics while I'm not facing him. Back when I began, I never ever ever would of asked it