Post Civil War Session

So, I made it until today. I told T that I was dealing with needing to talk to him vs. being angry at T because he has so much power over me. He understood and apologized for not being able to see me last week, even though I told him I get it "intellectually" about the limitations of therapy but felt totally angry at him while concurrently wanting to see him to resolve whatever it was that caused me to feel so horrific.

So, I told him, "I want to ask you about scheduling another session but I am afraid of what your answer will be." He kind of hesitated, said he had a three on Monday, which I couldn't do because of work. He said he had a four on Tuesday, the day before my next session. I told him that I knew I was going to feel horrible when I left, I just knew. But I chose not to take the session. I thought this would send me into oblivion, but I feel oddly grounded. How does this happen? How can I be so surprised that I don't feel horrible? I guess I don't always know how I will feel in regards to feeling invisible or abandoned. But I feel so good now that it shocks me. I am individuating. The process of getting better triggers my abandonment fears. But not today. Who Am I?

T asked me if I talked to my H about how abandoned I felt the past weeks. Do you all talk to other people, like your spouses/significant others? I feel too stupid to tell my H, hey I'm feeling abandoned by my therapist because he couldn't fit me into his schedule. My h knows how attached I am to him, and H asks me if I'm going to see T when I have issues. H knows that my T is a good therapist. But I still don't want to talk to him because I feel like a little child and like an idiot. Just wondering what others do.

You are neither a child nor an idiot! You were honest with your T and maybe that's why you don't feel so abandoned after all. You took care of yourself.

Why don't you try talking to your husband but preface it with "I am scared to tell you this because I worry you will think..."
I tell my husband when I am on the outs with my therapist. I didn't use to. One of the things I have learned in therapy is to take more risks of being vulnerable and being more revealing of what I feel. It's worth a try, not to feel so alone...

Thank you. Yes, you may be right. I think I was more honest with myself, and T. I was able to tell him, and to admit to myself, how angry I was at him because I "felt" controlled by him. And I trusted him enough to tell him this, because I knew he wouldn't take it personally.

I do need to talk to H more than I used to, but H is not in a good place himself at all. And if I tell him something that worries him, it isn't worth it because he stresses out about it and it makes me worse. I would follow your advice if my H wasn't in such a bad place. Maybe after his episode is over. Thank you!

I talk to my fiance about my fears with my T. He's mostly been helpful and reassuring. I wish he was more understanding and empathetic sometimes, but at least he tries. He used to try to intellectualize it which didn't help.

My T is just as important in my life as my fiance. So I talk to both about each other. Luckily, my fiance doesn't mind so long as I don't quit seeing her. He's seen how much I have improved with her.

I'm really glad that talking to your fiancee helps you. You're right, it can't be intellectualized.

I talk to my best friend about my T sometimes, in general and also if I feel annoyed with T about something. My friend is great!! She always says something along the lines that T means well but she understands why I find it upsetting - she is always on my side! But I try not to talk too much about T because it would probably be supremely boring for her!

Also as I wrote on the other thread, I share more in general now e.g. let people around me know if I'm having a difficult day or feeling upset. This really takes the pressure off me, and I find that when I stop struggling to conceal my emotions and tell myself that I "ought" to be fine and I "must not" get upset, and start accepting that I am upset and being honest about it- I actually get less upset.

I talk to my best friend about my T sometimes, in general and also if I feel annoyed with T about something. My friend is great!! She always says something along the lines that T means well but she understands why I find it upsetting - she is always on my side! But I try not to talk too much about T because it would probably be supremely boring for her!

Also as I wrote on the other thread, I share more in general now e.g. let people around me know if I'm having a difficult day or feeling upset. This really takes the pressure off me, and I find that when I stop struggling to conceal my emotions and tell myself that I "ought" to be fine and I "must not" get upset, and start accepting that I am upset and being honest about it- I actually get less upset.

Satsuma-
I'm glad you have a friend that understands you, that must help a lot! I think I have also been letting people in more and you are right, it does make things better because I'm not trying to conceal my emotions. BUT sometimes when I am vulnerable like this, it makes me feel a bit paranoid. I start thinking, "Did I say too much?" And this makes me almost panic. But that doesn't happen too much, thank goodness