[ScarletPimpernel]

Anyone else have problems with this with your T? How have you worked on it.

I think this is the main problem I'm having with my T; not trust.

[TeaVicar?]

by object consistency, do you mean inconsistency of care?

Yeah, I really struggle with this and I'm thinking that most people who are in therapy would too? I find it very hard to trust him and any inconsistency or ruptures in his 'care', result in my trust being broken again. I am in this at the moment.

Previously when it's happened on a smaller scale, it was usually the repair that helped me through. If something happened, I would mention it and he would usually attempt to repair on some level... even acknowledging the problem was helpful for me. Sometimes he would apologise too.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Lack of Object Constancy ? Out of the FOG

Object Constancy is the ability to understand that some things or people remain constant - even when we can’t see them or verify that they are “still there”.

So for me, I "forget" everything I know about my T when I spend time apart from her. Lately, it's gotten worse, and I need her reassurance more often. I worry all the time now that she's going to leave me or be mad at me. Logically, I know she's not. But emotionally... it's so bad. I'm having minor panic attacks.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Lack of Object Constancy ? Out of the FOG


So for me, I "forget" everything I know about my T when I spend time apart from her. Lately, it's gotten worse, and I need her reassurance more often. I worry all the time now that she's going to leave me or be mad at me. Logically, I know she's not. But emotionally... it's so bad. I'm having minor panic attacks.

I don’t know your background but in clients who have a lot of trauma, specifically attachment trauma (needs not being met in childhood), it’s common that this is their first strong attachment. All this demonstrates is that you missed out and now you’re getting what you needed. Small children eventually learn what is called object constancy which means when someone is not there they know they still exist and have faith that they will come back. In clients who have not had good relationships early on, they have no ‘template’ for this. So it could be that you have not yet internalised enough of your therapist to know that he is coming back. Internalisation is when you can pull up someone in your mind and feel reassured or hear them talking to you or guiding you for example. What most people refer to as their inner voice is actually a combination of external voices. Most clients need to replace their inner, critical voice with a kinder more encouraging one (normally provided by the therapist, but can also be from others when the client stops rejecting kindness from others because it doesn't match their inner critic).

[TeaVicar?]

ah ok, that makes sense. So it's like a break or something similar will wipe out all the trust that has been building, like a reset button and it's hard to reestablish or come back from where you left off? Yes, I get this too but I'm no where near working out how to deal with it unfortunately. Before the break he said 'you know that I will be here when you come back' and I thought, no, how do I know that. I don't know or feel that at all.

The quote makes me think of a baby being left and not being able to comprehend that people & good things return, perhaps due to lack of consistency of care?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by TeaVicar?

ah ok, that makes sense. So it's like a break or something similar will wipe out all the trust that has been building, like a reset button and it's hard to reestablish or come back from where you left off? Yes, I get this too but I'm no where near working out how to deal with it unfortunately. Before the break he said 'you know that I will be here when you come back' and I thought, no, how do I know that. I don't know or feel that at all.

The quote makes me think of a baby being left and not being able to comprehend that people & good things return, perhaps due to lack of consistency of care?

Yep. My issues stem from both childhood (having unavailable parents; neglect) and from past abandonments. I've put my trust into people so many times, giving them the benefit of the doubt, only to have them leave me.

Since T wasn't able to contact me during her vacation, it's like I've slipped backwards. Not only am I struggling with trusting she there, but it's like I've become more child-like, needy. I need constant communication in order to maintain a connection. I'm questioning everything she says and does. The two years of stability I had with her is gone (well not gone, but not present atm).

My T keeps telling me to be patient, that it will come back. It feels so uncomfortable. I really need her right now because of all of this, but yet it's causing me to be distant from her. I know none of this is her fault. It's my issues. I just wish I knew how to get through this faster.