I sit with that anger inside, inside my room.
My therapist is a ****ing ****, when I express to him my fear of medications, he talks about how angry (didn't say that) I was at the psychiatrist for not giving me sufficing answers, in a quite angry look on his face. Instead of helping my feelings of fear, he confronts me.
He's quite offensive towards me, telling people who hurt me are just "dominant" people. You have no idea how angry I am at this. He's blindly justifying and supporting people he has no idea of.

A case like this makes me think mental health is natural selection, and that I better off die. I mean seriously, I can't even create music. I can't be successfully social and be "dominant". So really, what's the point of my existence? Compassion and hugs do not speak to me, and they never will at this moment. They are not reasons I want to live for. I want success and fame, yes, those superficial aspects. I want to make great music people will love, and bring my inner world as an epic story.

I can't see any future. In fact, I want war because I'm completely pessimistic about how life will come to be. If people talk about "dominance", "we are better off than cave men", "our friends are tribes", then I'm starting to lose hope, as I notice humanity cannot put mental effort into being beyond nature just like in a religion.

Another proof of that "selection"?
When some people tell you to see a therapist when you start talking about personal problems. It's like trash for people - let the therapist take care of it, why should outsiders be involved?
It's like people don't want to look at something which is created outside the mental health world. That mess. It's because of the outside world this mess is created, and people don't think so. They are taught to think it's a problem with genetics of the one with problems. Yet why would people take responsibility for themselves and minorities, when they have therapists to take care of the trash AND teach acceptance of those who hurt the hurt?

Thanks for the hugs. I feel a little better

[Out There]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Do you feel this might not be a good T for you as issues seem to be ongoing ? I sort of feel like this often and my main T is existential , which I find helpful , maybe that might be more what you need. You're not alone in these feelings.

I thought about it, but I have a problem with specific therapists since I'm not sure if they can cover a wider spectrum of types of problems.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Another proof of that "selection"?
When some people tell you to see a therapist when you start talking about personal problems. It's like trash for people - let the therapist take care of it, why should outsiders be involved?
It's like people don't want to look at something which is created outside the mental health world. That mess. It's because of the outside world this mess is created, and people don't think so. They are taught to think it's a problem with genetics of the one with problems. Yet why would people take responsibility for themselves and minorities, when they have therapists to take care of the trash AND teach acceptance of those who hurt the hurt?

I hear you. And see what you see, too.

You also wrote:

I want success and fame, yes, those superficial aspects. I want to make great music people will love, and bring my inner world as an epic story.

You can't determine what other people will like and cheer for. Does it have to be wild success and fame or would the genuine appreciation of a small group of people be enough?

Expressing yourself here, in this forum, I thank you for that. Your vent is on a wavelength I can resonate with. If your T can't, well then he can't.

I think I want to express it for myself, but expressing my inner world has to do with expressing my inner self - my feelings for instance. This includes music too, by the way.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

It's like people don't want to look at something which is created outside the mental health world. That mess. It's because of the outside world this mess is created, and people don't think so. They are taught to think it's a problem with genetics of the one with problems. Yet why would people take responsibility for themselves and minorities, when they have therapists to take care of the trash AND teach acceptance of those who hurt the hurt?

Damn right. The MH system makes suffering about personal failure, lack of insight, or when all else fails they pin it on genetics. But most existential/psych suffering is created by social constructs -- families, institutions, cultural insanity, modern living, etc. The core pathology is in these entities, and it leaks into the more sensitive individuals or those who have had misfortune. Humans are a product of their environment. I found that therapy isolated me from my environment, both literally and conceptually. And it was a recapitulation of prior damaging social hierarchies.

Perhaps you can achieve some success or relief by speaking your mind further (not just here).

[Out There]

Thank you for your wisdom Budfox. I see CBT being used as a method of social control and some CBT T's would do well to read what you wrote.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

I can't see any future. In fact, I want war because I'm completely pessimistic about how life will come to be. If people talk about "dominance", "we are better off than cave men", "our friends are tribes", then I'm starting to lose hope, as I notice humanity cannot put mental effort into being beyond nature just like in a religion.

I'm not sure how much these "caveman" ideas about dominance and tribes (as in competing tribes?) are coming from your T, but just know that there are other theories about human nature that do not include notions of dominance. Hunter gatherers (as humans have been for about 90% of our time as humans) focus on equal sharing of resources, fairness, reciprocity, and strong bonding. That's the precise opposite of dominance or heirarchy. Sure, there's heirarchy in the modern world, but that's a big source of suffering because it's not how we're wired.

There are also questions about the idea of the fittest / strongest individual being selected for. I know it's how we've all been taught to think, but how does it explain those among us (like myself) who seem to be too sensitive (in the Elaine Aron "highly sensitive person" sense), or neurotic, or introverted, for our own good? Are we just mistakes waiting to be selected out? Well, no. Homo sapiens as a lone individual dies really, really quickly, so selection didn't only happen at that individual level, it also happened in terms of which group / clan / small tribe managed to stay together and survive. It turns out, sensitive / neurotic / introverted people seem to be useful to group cohesion and survival, because they can pick up on hidden messages, nuances, body language, signs of aggression, etc and can help smooth tricky social situations. They may also have an easier time empathizing and seeing other points of view, so we're good for diplomacy. We would have been selected for, not against, in terms of group-level competition and selection.

Sorry for my own rant-- it was just to say that there are very different ways of seeing human nature. Dominant alpha men is... just really 1960s or 70s.

If a T ever suggested to me that someone I was upset with was simply more "dominant" than me, I can't even imagine what would come out of my mouth, but it would be just before I opened the door to leave.

[BudFox]

I love this short clip from Gabor Mate. It's very much about what is being discussed in this thread:

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Out There

Thank you for your wisdom Budfox. I see CBT being used as a method of social control and some CBT T's would do well to read what you wrote.

Thanks. Agree about CBT. Reminds me somewhat of behavioral therapy for kids with ADHD. Instead of looking for root cause, behavior modification is used to make the child conform to the environment.

Originally Posted by BudFox

Thanks. Agree about CBT. Reminds me somewhat of behavioral therapy for kids with ADHD. Instead of looking for root cause, behavior modification is used to make the child conform to the environment.

The root causes could be advertisements, attracting our emotions to so many places it's hard to keep focused on fewer targets.

Originally Posted by BudFox

I love this short clip from Gabor Mate. It's very much about what is being discussed in this thread:

I resonate with the "empty slate" human nature. I find it hard choosing my path right now. I really don't understand why people show aggression towards each other. Yes, I know it's for "dominance", but that comes to show technology may make our lives better, but they don't make our lives FEEL better.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

I resonate with the "empty slate" human nature. I find it hard choosing my path right now. I really don't understand why people show aggression towards each other. Yes, I know it's for "dominance", but that comes to show technology may make our lives better, but they don't make our lives FEEL better.

It sounds like maybe you don't show aggression toward other people? Did you ever show it toward your father or brother? If so, what happened?

I do show aggression toward other people sometimes. So I understand it. I also generally think it's the other person's issue and problem, not mine. What really gets to me is when people look down on me. I don't understand why people do that. I guess it's for "dominance", too, but it seems like it's a statement about me, not the other person, and I somehow just always seem to take it in. I don't have a thick skin or filter or whatever it is. And you're right, I can't think of any way that technology could help me feel better about that.

Originally Posted by here today

It sounds like maybe you don't show aggression toward other people? Did you ever show it toward your father or brother? If so, what happened?

I do show aggression toward other people sometimes. So I understand it. I also generally think it's the other person's issue and problem, not mine. What really gets to me is when people look down on me. I don't understand why people do that. I guess it's for "dominance", too, but it seems like it's a statement about me, not the other person, and I somehow just always seem to take it in. I don't have a thick skin or filter or whatever it is. And you're right, I can't think of any way that technology could help me feel better about that.

Can you detail about your experiences of aggression, so I can understand it better?
As for instance, to why you show aggression?

[here today]

I learned to, and showed aggression, mostly with the other women in my family when I was a child, and then later including unfortunately my daughter. I have also showed it when I was extremely frustrated waiting in long lines at the grocery store. I get into a rageful, entitled state – which I learned as an older child to usually/mostly suppress or cut off, but when I first got into therapy therapists told me to “get in touch” and express my feelings. So I was actually quite proud of myself when I could feel that feeling and I thought that expressing it “authentically”, in its real intensity, was the thing to do. Yes, maybe that doesn’t make much sense to anybody else but it did to me at the time.

My last therapist and I had a falling out, a rupture without repair, because of it. I didn’t feel understood – maybe I didn’t have the words, but still I was looking to her to understand. I had come into the session telling her I was in the activated state. I could have shut it off but then what would have been the point? And when she asked what we could do, and I offered my suggestion, she said, no we can’t do that. I felt tricked. I called out “B….h”, something I rarely, if ever, do even when in an aggressive state. And she shamed me. She later said that she had been “triggered”, but since I could not understand that or really trust her after that it led to a rupture without repair.

Over the last year I processed a lot of that on my own, though, with help from venting on here and other support.

And so I better understand the rageful, entitled state. And the previously very cut-off, unfelt wish to hurt someone who hurt me. That was a big no-no in my family, NEVER want to hurt anybody, it means you’re a bad person. But at a very basic level, before there are any words – it’s like my cat who “mouths” me when I’m typing on the computer keyboard and she wants me to pet her with my hands instead! That’s how she expresses her displeasure! So, I forgive and understand myself for the revenge/retaliation feelings I had toward my ex-therapist and I used the aggressive feelings consciously to pursue (by email) telling her how much she had hurt me, how bad the therapy profession in general is for lots of folks, and eventually, to her credit I did feel understood. All the emails were at no cost, just dissatisfied client and one human being to another. And they were all hard-hitting, but civil, something I had not known how to do before.

Hope this helps some?

It's ironic when a family can tell you not to hurt anyone or be angry, yet they can educate with anger themselves. I think we have some common experiences. My household is also a no-anger zone, although things have loosened up since I was a child.
I'm all up to being angry with someone who is randomly angry with you. But I don't think friends deserve anger which has nothing to do with them.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

The root causes could be advertisements, attracting our emotions to so many places it's hard to keep focused on fewer targets.

Gabor Mate again... he puts it down to developmental problems. But yea, our culture and especially technology seems part of the problem.