[peaches100]

In Part 1, I shared what I said in my therapy session on Wednesday. In Part 2, I shared what my husband said. Part 3 is what my therapist said.

PART 3

My therapist said that she is sorry that I'm in so much pain right now. She realizes that her not responding in the way I wanted her to -- our misattunement -- felt like another repetition of my childhood. She understands that I felt abandoned, and also why I am at a point now where I'm ready to quit therapy and give up. She said she is sorry I am in this painful place, but she is not surprised that this is where we find ourselves right now.

She told us that every time a person experiences a loss, it opens up the "folders" of the brain that hold onto all of the other previous losses we've experienced. The traumatic losses are compounded, one on top of the other. So when a loss happens, all of the emotions from the previous losses come up too.

My t agreed that we have consistently had a problem with trying to find a way that I can get my needs met in the therapy relationship while staying within the therapy framework. She knows I've felt like I've needed communication and support outside sessions. She also said that she realizes there are times when she responds in a way that does not feel supportive to me, or that makes me feel like she doesn't "get me." It doesn't feel like what I need from her.

My t said that I had traumatic attachment and separation issues with my mom as a child, along with several other later losses. I have a lot of stored up pain. When my MIL died last month, who I was really close to, that was probably the biggest loss I've had so far. When I didn't get the sort of response I needed from her while she was out of town, I felt abandoned all over again. She totally understands why I feel so discouraged and ready to give up trying to heal.

I told her yes, I do want to quit. It's too painful to keep trying to heal my attachment problems. I'm sick of these repetitions over and over! My problems are too ingrained. With the issues I have, what I would actually need in order to heal goes beyond what the therapy framework offers. I've come as far as I can in therapy. I don't think I can make any further progress. There's no point in continuing therapy if all it is going to do is retraumatize me again and again. I just can't do it anymore.

My t responded, "You may be right. I certainly don't want you to feel like you need to continue coming to therapy if it makes you feel ****** all the time." (That's the first time my t has used a curse word.) But you told me in an email yesterday that you might stay in therapy if we followed a different path. Can you tell me what that would like that? What did you have in mind?"

I told her my idea was to stop doing any therapy work that would activate my attachment issues...we wouldn't talk about my childhood traumas or try to resolve them...we wouldn't pay attention to any parts of me that feel child-like or needy. THOSE THINGS are the kind of therapy work that cause me to get too dysregulated and then need her support outside the office. My idea is for our therapy work to be only adult focused...something more cognitive. As long as I don't get triggered about attachment or my traumas or dissociate, I will not have a problem containing things at the end of my sessions, and I won't need her support between them. It will stop this repetitive cycle we keep getting in!

(To be continued in Part 4)