So last night I was doing so bad I called T and this time I said, "Call me back tomorrow." I also said, "Last time I called you when I said don't call me back that was a completely lie, I really did want you to call me back."

I sayed home from work today because the depression is awful and I haven't been sleeping. I feel like a complete zombie and I tried hard to catch up on sleep today, but I couldn't fall asleep. I am going to school tonight though-- I have to give a case presentation on one of my patients-- who knows if I can even form a sentence?

So anyway, T calls me back before and he's very concered about my SI and we make a short contract to make it til Friday.

I tell him about the Erikson video and how the little kid stuff has just been overwhelming lately. (I will tell him about colored pencil kid on Friday).

Then I'm starting to sniffle and cry but I didn't even care at this point because he can't see how terrible I look.

And he says, "We only have a couple more minutes to talk, but I just wanted to talk about that 1st phone call..." He said, "It's very good that you called last night and told me what you wanted-- so I knew how you were feeling-- but if you want me to call you, you have say that-- there can't be any ambiguity."

So at this point I am in such a mood that all I can think to myself is, "T is yelling at me" and I'm crying (silently) harder.

I know now that he wasn't "yelling" at me... he just wanted to be a bit firm and help me to understand that if I need something, tell him.

Then I asked him, "Am I doing something wrong?" I told him how I have him working with me and all these doctors through the years doing what they have to do for me and I am still doing poorly so it must be something I'm doing wrong.

He said that we needed to talk about that Friday in detail but the only thing he would say now is that while he is not going to call my SI "wrong" it is very concerning and he just wants me to be safe so I can always come in and work with him.

[Perna]

Sounds like a sort of productive/clearinguppity/comforting phone call?

I learned so much about myself being around my grandchildren 24/7 this weekend. My stepson had to tell them over and over and make them repeat after him so they "understood" and so he knew they understood and so everyone was on the same page. I'm like that, I use to be all over the place with my T trying to "corner" me :-) I felt like an unbroke horse having to be corralled and gentled.

I've always had a Bible verse I like for myself, Psalm 32, verses 8-9:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.

Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.