Has the therapist you hire told you that you hurt them?

Oct 10, 2017 at 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

The pollster's lot is not an easy one.

I was not accusing anyone -I just found it interesting.

It didn't feel accusatory. Just explaining

Salmon77 · Oct 10, 2017 at 10:21 AM

I said other. Sometimes I say something that is hurtful (sometimes I mean to and sometimes not) and T lets me know that, but does not show a lot of reaction to it. So I think T just does not take it personally when I say hurtful things but sees that as a symptom instead.

Myrto · Oct 10, 2017 at 10:42 AM

I picked: No but I think I did. Four months ago, I told my therapist that I wanted to come less often, like twice or even once a month instead of every week. She got super defensive and told me that she didn't think it was a good idea. I told her that it was her opinion but as a client, I'm the one who get to choose how often I come. At some point, she raised her voice and yelled: "you don't trust me!" and "you are not going to teach me my job!" It's obvious that she was hurt that I somehow didn't love her, that I wasn't attached to her and that I couldn't care less about her (something I had long suspected). I stood up, handed her the money and walked out. Since then I've been on a "break". That's the official version but honestly, I don't think I'll ever go back to therapy. So yes I've hurt my therapist and that was the end of therapy because she made it all about her feelings by yelling at me. I don't care that she was hurt, it's not my problem what she feels. She's a grown woman and she should be able to handle things, especially when she's being paid precisely for that.

DP_2017 · Oct 10, 2017 at 10:53 AM

Nope... he says he doesn't take things clients say or do personally... so I know he isn't phased by anything

88Butterfly88 · Oct 10, 2017 at 10:58 AM

An old art therapist, who I didn't click with, early on told me I hurt her feelings. I can't even remember why she said that but it was over something ridiculous. She was pregnant and ended up going into labor early so our sessions stopped. I decided not to return even when she was back from maternity leave.

ETA- Maybe her hormones were making her moody? But either way I wasn't dealing with it.

here today · Oct 10, 2017 at 11:14 AM

I voted yes. I don't hire any anymore. But yes the last one in particular said that I hurt her -- or maybe it was that she "felt so hurt". I DID care. It induced shame and guilt trips in me which we didn't discuss. Not did we discuss how I was feeling prior to the point that she said she felt so hurt. Since this was similar to family-of-origin stuff it didn't occur to me to question it. It just shut me down. Until, eventually she shamed me, said later that she had been "triggered" and eventually I worked through it on my own that she had her own issues so that she was not able to help me with mine. Bummer that it took so long for me to find, or figure, it out for myself. Seems like there "should" or could be a better way, if somebody in that business would put their mind to it. Not just their hearts and emotions but their minds, too.

Oct 10, 2017 at 11:43 AM

No, I’ve never had one outright tell me that I’ve hurt them, nor do I think I have. I do think that I caused RoboT some hurt, but that was 100% on his end. It seemed like toward the end that he didn’t know where to lead me, how to support me, etc. So if he was hurt, it was due to his countertransference.

atisketatasket · Oct 10, 2017 at 11:55 AM

Feeling shame, guilt, feeling terrible...this must be why therapists aren't supposed to tell the client that they hurt the therapist.

growlycat · Oct 10, 2017 at 12:34 PM

My old t/ long term t once or twice said I hurt him. I can't remember what it was about. I don't like hurting people so yes I care.

Nammu · Oct 10, 2017 at 12:53 PM

No, although some may have hurt for me. In the early days despite my pain and anger, striking out they were professionals and did not take it personally.

kecanoe · Oct 10, 2017 at 01:18 PM

One time I told T1 that he was only seeing me for the money. He reacted calmly and "therapist-y" but it hurt him.

I've told him a bunch of times that I am mad at him, he has never shown a hurt or mad response to that. He's good at showing emotions like caring, empathy, concern, curiosity. And good at keeping anger or hurt from showing at all.

satsuma · Oct 10, 2017 at 02:13 PM

Yes. I accused him of not caring about me. He said he does care about me and he's human and it's hard for him not to feel hurt by that. I believe what he said.
It was a rupture but we got through it.

Spangle · Oct 10, 2017 at 03:01 PM

During our last rupture I was verbally vicious to him. He didn’t say I’d hurt him, but I knew I had by his face. I could ‘feel’ I’d hurt him. At the time I didn’t care but, when I was sufficiently calm, I felt terrible. However, I was being honest with what I’d said to him, so I shouldn’t really have cared, apart from maybe expressing myself in a more professional way.

AllHeart · Oct 10, 2017 at 05:47 PM

Yes I had hurt my ex-t a few times and I felt bad every time.

healinginprogress · Oct 10, 2017 at 08:26 PM

No, never. And she's said that she will never tell me that. And that even if I did hurt her feelings, that's her responsibility to deal with on her own, and not my responsibility to worry about her feelings.

Oct 10, 2017 at 08:58 PM

No, and I can't think of a circumstance where anything I said or did would have hurt them personally.

awkwardlyyours · Oct 10, 2017 at 09:41 PM

Yes, I believe I am the

As I've mentioned before:
I made the current one cry and (all in her words) feel attacked, like she's walking on eggshells, being reamed out etc.

The former one cut to the chase and pretty much accused me of being abusive.

With perhaps a little stretch of the imagination, all of those things could constitute "hurt"?

(And.......now I feel -- all over again -- the urgent need to find a T who won't be so easily hurt by my crap. Sigh.)

atisketatasket · Oct 10, 2017 at 10:10 PM

Oh, if we’re counting walking on eggshells, I’ve gotten that.

I thought it was inappropriate of them (DBC and CW) to say that, plus I thought it was their problem to deal with. I was having enough trouble surviving life without spending energy on keeping them happy.

zbmom · Oct 10, 2017 at 10:12 PM

T's are human. I think clients should be able to be honest or express their emotions but I don't think they have the right to be abusive or cruel just because they're paying their therapist. So yes I think that therapists can be hurt because they're human but unless a client is being abusive or cruel then it is the therapist's job to process and manage their own feelings.

awkwardlyyours · Oct 10, 2017 at 10:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Oh, if we’re counting walking on eggshells, I’ve gotten that.

Not that it's a competition, but I'd just like to point out that I got the walking-on-eggshells comment at the same time as the reaming (which I presume would just physically hurt).

Okay, I totally need to win this, I admit -- it's important for my self-esteem

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Has the therapist you hire told you that you hurt them?

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Salmon77 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2014 Location: PNW Posts: 1,394 10 106 hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 10:21 AM #22 I said other. Sometimes I say something that is hurtful (sometimes I mean to and sometimes not) and T lets me know that, but does not show a lot of reaction to it. So I think T just does not take it personally when I say hurtful things but sees that as a symptom instead.
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DP_2017 Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2017 Location: A house Posts: 4,414 7 665 hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 10:53 AM #24 Nope... he says he doesn't take things clients say or do personally... so I know he isn't phased by anything
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Anonymous55499 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 10, 2017 at 11:43 AM #27 No, I’ve never had one outright tell me that I’ve hurt them, nor do I think I have. I do think that I caused RoboT some hurt, but that was 100% on his end. It seemed like toward the end that he didn’t know where to lead me, how to support me, etc. So if he was hurt, it was due to his countertransference.
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atisketatasket Child of a lesser god Member Since Jun 2015 Location: Tartarus Posts: 19,302 (SuperPoster!) 9 12.4k hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 11:55 AM #28 Feeling shame, guilt, feeling terrible...this must be why therapists aren't supposed to tell the client that they hurt the therapist.
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growlycat Therapy Ninja Member Since Jan 2007 Location: How did I get here? Posts: 10,308 17 16.1k hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 12:34 PM #29 My old t/ long term t once or twice said I hurt him. I can't remember what it was about. I don't like hurting people so yes I care.
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kecanoe Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2008 Location: Illinois, USA Posts: 3,052 16 7,192 hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 01:18 PM #31 One time I told T1 that he was only seeing me for the money. He reacted calmly and "therapist-y" but it hurt him. I've told him a bunch of times that I am mad at him, he has never shown a hurt or mad response to that. He's good at showing emotions like caring, empathy, concern, curiosity. And good at keeping anger or hurt from showing at all.
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satsuma Grand Member Member Since Feb 2017 Location: UK Posts: 913 7 469 hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 02:13 PM #32 Yes. I accused him of not caring about me. He said he does care about me and he's human and it's hard for him not to feel hurt by that. I believe what he said. It was a rupture but we got through it.
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AllHeart Magnate Member Since Feb 2015 Location: USA Posts: 2,024 9 2,132 hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 05:47 PM #34 Yes I had hurt my ex-t a few times and I felt bad every time.
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healinginprogress Member Member Since Jul 2017 Location: USA Posts: 394 7 69 hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 08:26 PM #35 No, never. And she's said that she will never tell me that. And that even if I did hurt her feelings, that's her responsibility to deal with on her own, and not my responsibility to worry about her feelings. __________________ Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
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Anonymous50005 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 10, 2017 at 08:58 PM #36 No, and I can't think of a circumstance where anything I said or did would have hurt them personally.
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atisketatasket Child of a lesser god Member Since Jun 2015 Location: Tartarus Posts: 19,302 (SuperPoster!) 9 12.4k hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 10:10 PM #38 Oh, if we’re counting walking on eggshells, I’ve gotten that. I thought it was inappropriate of them (DBC and CW) to say that, plus I thought it was their problem to deal with. I was having enough trouble surviving life without spending energy on keeping them happy.
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