[DP_2017]

I have struggled since I was young and got yelled at for crying, to show any emotion around people besides happy or content.

I always cry alone in my car or room.... but one of my goals in therapy is to express my emotions with a person I trust... my T.

I've been in almost 6 months now and nothing. I can't cry or be angry or anything. I've teared up a bit but I quickly turn away and wipe my face and go on with the chat or shut it down.

What is wrong with me? How can I become ok with this?

He has even gone over with me how I prefer him to react to crying. He has told me I am free to punch things in the office and scream or cuss or whatever. I trust him a lot and feel safe, but yet, I fail.

I really want to do this, any advice? I just feel so frustrated and hopeless

[LostOnTheTrail]

No advice here, just solidarity. I feel like I missed How To Emote Appropriately 101.

[stopdog]

I don't emote much but have never felt like I wanted to do it more. We were told not to cry, threatened etc about it, but now I don't mind it. I don't remember minding it then. I liked when I could control it.

[MrsDuckL]

This is something I stuggle with BIG TIME and something I’m actively working on in therapy. I can’t really cry in front of anyone except my husband, and even then, I immediately feel stupid. My therapist has been asking me lately about what it would look like to me to be emotionally connected to others, and I don’t know most of the time. I did make a big step last night and I was finally able to talk about my struggles with my husband of 12 years, explain the dark spiral of depression I’ve been in lately. It seems so ludicrous (how could you not tell your spouse something like that?)—but for me, I just can’t. In my household growing up only one person was emotional, and it was my abusive and mentally ill mom who never got treatment. My husband thought at first to ask him for times when I need extra support—and he knows the answer is I can’t, I would never ask for anything like that, my default setting for my own emotions (when they do pop up) is that I’m fine, everything is fine, I’m strong and handling it on my own.

Anyhow, it’s a long, slow process for me and I can totally relate. I remember shortly after meeting with my former therapist and getting a condescending lecture on fear being the root of my issues (its not), and coming over and asking my husband if he thought this was true. (He also didn’t agree.) But he finally confess that he felt like I don’t fully experience emotions, that everything is muted for me. And that part is absolutely true. I don’t know what or how changes with emtions/ emotional connection looks like, but I’m working on it.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm also someone who got yelled at for crying and who was expected to only show positive emotions. I often take time before I can become emotional in front of someone. But then once I'm emotional once, it's very easy for me to become emotional with them again. It's like breaking the seal or something. Haven't cried yet in front of T2, but it's only been 2 sessions. I'm sure it will happen eventually, then after that, he'd better be stocked with plenty of tissues!

It's different with non-T's (who I figure expect it at some point). First time I was emotional around H when we were dating, I was afraid that was it, that he'd break up with me. Same with some exes. I'm rarely emotional around friends either. I tend to express most emotions either with T/MC or when I'm alone, like in car, shower, working alone from home (like earlier today, when I went through half a box of tissues), etc.

I totally understand the guilt and shame associated with being told not to cry. I got that a lot as well growing up. Surprisingly, though, I never felt awkward about crying in front of my current T. In session is when I'm able to express those types of emotions most easily.

Just remember that the office is your space for an hour(ish). It is a safe space for you to get out what you need to get out.

[DP_2017]

Thanks for the answers. I actually emailed him about my issue with this, he replied telling me to look into IFS which I did and it seems confusing... but anyway... I decided to quietly just write a letter to him by hand and I am not gonna edit etc and just read it when I go next time.

Not sure it will work but I hope so. A few tough things are in the letter.

It took me time to feel safe enough to shed a tear or two. I would shut it down swiftly. It took more time and T encouraging me that it's OK to cry for me to become OK and alright with it. Feels like a long time ago when I would hurt myself to keep from crying. T mentioned a couple of times that I'm a different person now. It took me many months as I went once s fortnight to once a month, probably 30 sessions...

What helped me was that T is consistently steady and not overly warm or cold if I shed tears (compared to another therapist who said she was HAPPY I cried)... She would stop me (using words, she never reached out to stop my hands) from hurting myself as I fought tears. I would often get up to grab tissues from the paper towel dispenser and therefore use the movement to push away my tears. So she would ask me to stay in my seat and offer a tissue box or get tissues from the dispenser.

[Sparkle&hope]

When I first couldn't cry in sessions, I asked to leave the room for a second and go to the toilet. This way I could start to properly cry and then immediately I would return into the space and bring the tears in there and see for myself that it was okay to cry. A few times of doing this eventually helped me cry in the room.

[Swimmersusan]

Don't worry you not alone, I can't cry in session either. There have been times I've felt the need, however my natural reaction is to instantly swallow those emotions and carry on.
I'm just not an emotional kind of person I think, not in the crying sense anyway. It scares me too much lol.
I try not to let it affect me or the progress I'm trying to make, but sometimes I must admit I get frustrated as I see it as a big step in being able to change.
The thought of crying with anyone other than T petrifies me, maybe oneday I can get to the root of this, but I keep telling myself it's something I can't change overnight because it's been my way of life for so long.
Might have to have this chat with T again but even that I find horrendously embarrassing

[zoiecat]

I can't show any emotion either not only can I not cry yeah I can't smile. I am a total Stone Face not only in therapy but in life itself my friends have tease me about this since high school I just cannot show emotion that's how I was raised. I was not only taught to not cry but I was taught that you need to act like an adult which meant not having fun either no smiling no giggling nothing it is so hard for me. I can smile and laugh with my friends over the phone but if I'm in with them in person I have to hold back it almost feels like my face will break if it shows any emotion. I have no idea how to fix this.

[DP_2017]

Well I've talked with my T between sessions about this and we have some ideas to try. So we will see if it works. If not, I give up lol

[Apollite]

I was always very flat with my therapists and they'd often tell me that they couldn't read me, which (understandably) frustrated them. I'm able to discuss distressing incidents without showing any emotion. Being bullied at school might have something to do with that because the more upset I became, the more I would be tormented, so I gradually learned to project a stoic front. It was my way of punishing them, and eventually it stopped.

I looked up "The grey rock" method recently, and it resonated with me. It's when you externally shut off your emotions to make yourself seem insignificant and bland; you don't reveal anything interesting about yourself or have strong opinions. This kind of behaviour is supposed to repel psychopaths, narcissists - anyone who would do you harm - because they're not getting any reaction from you, they get bored and leave you alone.

My problem is that I've been behaving like this with nearly everyone, so I've alienated myself. I have Aspergers too, which means that I have trouble expressing my feelings anyway, but if I let myself be "me", my emotional reticence wouldn't be quite as pronounced.

[DP_2017]

Finally did it, after 6 months, I broke down. He hugged me and it was amazing. Very healing

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Finally did it, after 6 months, I broke down. He hugged me and it was amazing. Very healing

Wow, that's great and good for you! Wish I could do that too, 2 years and nothing

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by MessyD

Wow, that's great and good for you! Wish I could do that too, 2 years and nothing

I probably would never have but I lost my dog of 15 yrs and it was because I read him a letter I wrote my dog, it was just too much pain and sadness to bear.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by MessyD

Wow, that's great and good for you! Wish I could do that too, 2 years and nothing

I'm a little over 2 years with my current T--and nothing. But I also went 5.5 years with my past T and never cried. I even saw the the day after my Poppa died. It took me almost the entire session to actually say those words (and I didn't really say them...), but crying, my god no!

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I probably would never have but I lost my dog of 15 yrs and it was because I read him a letter I wrote my dog, it was just too much pain and sadness to bear.

Aww. The reason I started therapy in the first place (well the trigger to get me to go, i had been thinking about it for a logn time) was because my kitten died unexpectedly in surgery. I had written a letter to him, and brought it in, but i could barely look at the words,let alone read them out loud--that was too difficult. So, good for you for doing that!

My (current) T has recently said that she wishes I could cry in session with her, when i mentioned i felt like crying, but couldn't. I was like "Ummm i never cried in 5 years with my last T, so good luck!" lol. I also am not a huge crier in general. I hate emotions and feeeeeelings and una would say.

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I probably would never have but I lost my dog of 15 yrs and it was because I read him a letter I wrote my dog, it was just too much pain and sadness to bear.

Aw, so sorry to hear that! I thought I would when my cat died, but probably wouldnt be able to read a letter like that, that's so sad

[DP_2017]

Reading it was awful, and so hard, I stopped 5 times... and I hate reading out loud but it was something I needed because I have not told anyone those thoughts I've had that I wrote about, I've just been telling everyone I'm ok. So someone needed to know my pain.

[Daisy Dead Petals]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Reading it was awful, and so hard, I stopped 5 times... and I hate reading out loud but it was something I needed because I have not told anyone those thoughts I've had that I wrote about, I've just been telling everyone I'm ok. So someone needed to know my pain.

I'm sorry you lost your dog. <3