[sunrise]

Not too long ago I posted about how I thought it would help me to prepare for my and T's upcoming professional interactions outside the office (T serves a dual professional role for me), by going outside the office with him. That way, I could get a taste of "being outside" with him before our upcoming, important outside meetings. Sometimes his office, where we do therapy, seems like a really special place, and I have wondered if our very special relationship would exist if we were outside his office.

Anyway, I had my session today and I didn't expect this at all, but we went outside his office together! When I arrived, I sat on the couch, and oddly, he didn't get me a bottle of water from his fridge, as he usually does. So I walked over to his fridge to help myself, and he said, "Sorry, I'm all out of water." "What?!" I said, a little comically, but serious too. "No water. I'm kind of neurotic about having water." "I know," he said, smiling. Then he had an idea. He said he had a new case of water in his car, which was parked a couple of blocks away. We could walk to his car and get the water, doing therapy along the way. "I've done that before," he said, normalizing the situation. Or, he suggested an alternative: I could have some lukewarm water from his tea kettle. It took me a moment to choose. This is what I had been wanting, wasn't it? "Let's go for a walk," I said.

We put on our coats and he also put on a hat, and we walked downstairs together. Then outside. Side by side. Both of us had our hands in our pockets. And we began talking about stuff just like we do inside. It was a little distracting and I couldn't focus 100% like in his office, but we got some stuff said. I liked looking at him sideways. He is so much taller than I am and I liked looking up to him as we walked. I only come up to his shoulder. In his office we are both sitting so we seem the same height. At one point, I told him an incident that had happened this week, and he said "you didn't do X?" And I said, "no, do you think I should have?" And he stopped and turned to face me head on, and said no he didn't mean that at all. I liked how he stopped to make that point.

Finally we got to his car and he said we would drive back and park closer to his office. His passenger seat was a mess, covered with miscellaneous junk, and he had to clear it for me. I loved that! Mine is a total chaotic mess too. I got in the car, and he drove us back to the office. Neither of us wore seatbelts.

Then we returned to the office and he gave me a bottle of water. And we did therapy, office-style.

Being outside together did make me feel more comfortable with T in another context. I now know we can exist outside together. I'm really glad I had this experience before our upcoming meetings.

omg, you litereally just expressed how you wanted to do this.

That is so cool. Did it feel normal? One time I saw my T walking to his car after session and I couldn't believe that he does not materialize from the walls.

I just know that if I ever took a walk with T, I would fall. I just know it.

What an awesome session/surprise, Sunny.

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
Did it feel normal?

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Yes, it felt normal! But special too. And also really natural, like I had already done this a thousand times before in my imagination. I'm afraid I had a s**t-eating grin on my face for much of the walk. It made me happy.

[Perna]

It felt normal? Wow! My T forgot her keys to the office once and we had to have a session in a cafe (fortunately since it was "late" afternoon, there weren't many people). That was weird especially when I ordered something to eat and she only ordered tea and when it came time to pay and it wasn't $10 total and they only took cash up to $10 and together we didn't have that much, LOL! They finally took T's credit card. It did turn out to be an okay session though, even if I did have to work hard at avoiding thoughts/situations where I might cry. But I prefer the office/"smaller" spaces, doesn't seem "safe" out in the world :-)

[sunrise]

lol, you didn't have $10 between the two of you? Well, for me it felt "normal" in the sense of we were walking together, like walking next to a human being. It felt comfortable. But yes, you are right, it is hard to do therapy seriously under conditions like that. The sense of movement was distracting. And it would have been hard to share really gut-wrenching stuff. (Or do EMDR! ) But we had stuff to go through that was not gut-wrenching. But I was glad to get my "inside time" too. The very act of being outside together was therapeutic for me since it helped prepare me for our future meetings outside. Kind of like desensitization/phobia therapy. (Little does he know....)