[DP_2017]

Hi all

I feel really close to my T, he even admits I am the most "strongly attached" of his clients, in part due to my very small support system. He is so good to me and patient and kind... yet I know that he eventually will be out of my life and it terrifies the crap out of me, actually, feeling as close as I do to him also does because I don't usually do this with people. I hate all the feelings and emotions that come with this closeness.

I am finding lately, that I am losing my mind, with paranoia about things I say to him or he says to me and somehow assuming no doubt he hates me, I annoy him or he wants me gone. I am starting to push him away.

Worst part is, I really need him, I am struggling with my first big loss in life and its still really recent... and he is a great support for me. I also don't think he cares if I push away and go, its my life, my choice and he can find new clients.
That is tough.

How do I deal with this desire? Right now I just am trying to think of any possible reason I can to hate him and shut down so I can just avoid the pain of the eventual rejection from him. I'm so scared of losing him, and I am angry I allowed myself to get close to anyone to begin with.

I also want to be clear, while he is ok with text or emails or calls during session, he has always said I am very good about quantity. I go many days or sometimes even the whole week, with no added contact... so I don't feel I am super dependent on him but I need him in my life... we have bonded too much and have too much in common and I trust him more than anyone.

I just need advice on how to push through the terrifying fears of closeness knowing the horrible pain to come, and not just push him away and quit, which is the easiest option and the one I've always done

[Sarmas]

I would bring what you’re expressing here to his attention. He’s probably the best that can help you with your fears and how to approach the situation. The good thing is that you’re still seeing him and you’re not at the verge of “losing” him. I would discuss those things with him.

[TrailRunner14]

I’ve kind of struggled with parts of what you are describing.

My counselor is the only person that I have ever, ever, felt safe to be myself with. There is no fear in speaking how I feel or sharing my vulnerable parts with.

There have been moments of panic when I think of not being able to meet and talk with him. They can be pretty intense.

It came to me a couple of weeks ago,

“Is it M that I am dependent on or the safety of the space and the relationship?”

I do not have much to any support either and it came to me that I may be dependent on the safety of that space and special time that I can be me and feel the safety and be ok.

I adore my counselor. He is like a big brother to me and my younger and really my older parts. He is trusted by all.

There is one part right now we are working with that I don’t know about, but in all he is trusted and it’s safe there.

There are some weeks that I go and meet with him and he doesn’t really seem “real” to me, if that makes sense.

I still feel safe and able to open up and talk with safety and feel like I’m in a place I can do that.

My thoughts are that I will grow more confident and more strong in who I am growing into being. Hopefully I can find the courage and strength to find places and relationships that I feel safe to be who I am and not be afraid.

All that to say, I believe I am dependent on the space, time and guidance of my counselor right now in who I am becoming instead of being dependent on my counselor as a person.

It felt really good to put my feelings to words.

Thank you for starting this thread.

[mostlylurking]

You mentioned that you've had a recent, major loss, and I would imagine that could make you fixate on the possibility of other losses, like the loss of your T. I'm remembering when my mother became suddenly ill with a life-threatening illness, the first thing I did was email my T to say I was scared if I lost her that he would not want to see me (because he had recently lost his own mother and I thought it was too much to ask). The possibility of losing someone close to me made me scared I would lose my T as well, just when I needed him most. At the time I didn't see how these two fears were related, but I see it clearly now. It's possible that some of your feelings of loss are being projected onto your T. Most of us do project things onto our T's at times, and that's one of the ways therapy brings things to light, so that's not a bad thing. It's just something to consider I think.

If you do push your T away, keep in mind that it's not always seen as ethical for a T to try to convince you to stay, or talk you out of leaving. And if you cancel and never call to reschedule, you may get a phone call, or you might not because the T is following guidelines about not pressuring clients to continue therapy. He may care very much, and may worry about you, but he may not be able to say to you "I really want you to stay, please stay." You've said he's kind and patient, and he's aware you're attached and have a small support system, so I really doubt that he's wanting you to go. But his hands are somewhat tied when it comes to this subject, as I understand it.

[DP_2017]

^ oh I know he can't. He says he usually calls people once to ask them about why they quit etc but doesn't go beyond that. The thing is, while I internally/instinctually, wanna push him away, I also know logically it is not good do me any good, which is why I posted here for advice. I need to stop my old patterns from ruining my life again

Yes you are very right about it, in fact today is 3 weeks since the loss and the first time I"ve randomly cried all day. I think it also is that I've never cried in front of anyone but him so I also wanted him to be there with me but knew he could not so maybe thats why I tried to get him mad at me. I feel awful I carried on this way, I've been so good, I have not even asked him in months if I am bothering him but of course I apologized for bothering him today. Like totally backtracking. I need to apologize for my behavior on the next session, it was purely nuts of me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

The best thing to do is talk to your T. I struggle with the push/pull of T a lot. I always bring it to her and we talk about it. Both pushing and pulling leads to results you don't want. You have to accept those thoughts are there, but not act on them. It's hard!

[DP_2017]

I couldn't sleep, my phone behavior is bothering me so much. I can not wait till Tues to address it, hope it goes ok.

Anyway, I realized as well, I am really not used to people sticking around. I keep thinking, why am I worth it? Why wont he get mad and hate me like everyone else? What on earth makes him still like me and be nice? I get part of it is his job but I really believe he cares about me, and that is why this is hard. People don't. My dogs do but people don't. It frustrates me that he just isn't biting. I've never been met with someone who wont give up on me.

[mostlylurking]

I may have missed a post somewhere, but have you mentioned what it was you did to push him away? Without knowing what it was, I'll just say that therapists have seen all kinds of things, and he's probably not reacting as much as you're worried he is.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

I may have missed a post somewhere, but have you mentioned what it was you did to push him away? Without knowing what it was, I'll just say that therapists have seen all kinds of things, and he's probably not reacting as much as you're worried he is.

I haven't but I want to. I guess it's partly due to me being in a emotional grief stage and assuming everyone else is gonna leave me since my best friend did, so I have the desire to push people away. I feel closest to him,so biggest target so to speak

It was merely a email misunderstanding about texting, I asked what rules are and idk why I did because he clearly told me before he had no rules for it just not to send massively long ones.... but yet somehow I wanted to try to set my own rules to not become too much so I guess I thought we could combine rules and go from ther, he said something that rubbed me the wrong way in his reply and made me convinced he never wanted me to text again and to turn to someone else if I was struggling etc.... so that was why I called, I cried on the call because I was emotional about my loss that day anyway and just bad timing, and I even asked him like 3 times if he was mad at me calmly saying no and at the end telling me we are ok.

Yet.... I feel like why wont he hate me? Why wont be get mad or yell? Why wont he get sick of me? This is what everyone else does... and I am not used to people putting up with me, being kind and sticking around. It makes me nervous as hell....

Anyway long ramble short, Didn't push away, just always feel I should when I feel close to someone and I worry they will leave me