If T self discloses do they like me?

My T has self disclosed a fair bit to me in sessions. I know they had a career in a different industry prior to becoming a T and various bits and pieces about their personal life in terms of family, experiences with mental health, job struggles (including why they left a previous job) etc. Would you consider this a fair bit of info to know about a T? They only disclose when appropriate and I never feel like they over share. I actually enjoy finding some of this stuff out. Does that mean they are comfortable around me? Anyone had a similar experience?

I don't think it really has anything to do with "liking" a client or not. I think it is simply an approach some therapists take while others stay very blank slate. I'm not sure it really matters if the therapist is comfortable around the client; seems like the client being comfortable with the therapist is really what is important. This level of self-disclosure seems to work for you and you see it as not over-sharing, so that is what is important.

My opinion is similar to lolagrace's even though I personally did not like that level of self-disclosure later into my therapy. It is an approach some use to make the relationship feel less one-sided, I discussed it once with my last T who shared quite a lot about himself, in similar topics you mentioned except his mental health. Like you, initially I liked it and was curious, and did not feel it was inappropriate as it was always in the context of what I was saying. Well, mostly, he did get carried away at times. As time went on for me, I started liking the self-disclosures less and less, because I realized it was his way of responding to what I had to say instead of exploring my stuff further/more deeply. Then I mentioned this to him. I also asked why he always revealed something about himself in response to my shares and he said it was his way to express his empathy. It's nice, but IMO not to replace doing his work as a therapist to explore my things better.

Mine never disclosed anything about his own mental health struggles but did about physical health issues. I liked it much better when he shared positive or neutral stuff about himself. He also mentioned that he used different approaches with different clients and was not so open about himself with everyone. I am all for individualized treatment, but personally did not like being discriminated in that particular way and told him so. Maybe it is a sign that the T feels comfortable with the client, or at least trusts that they won't go out and advertise the stuff everywhere. Not sure about liking per se. But doing too much of it and spending the client's paid time in this way, I feel it's more about wanting attention and perhaps avoiding doing some real work as a T. I would have liked if my T had challenged me much more instead.

When I told mine that it had become too much, he stopped talking so much about himself for the most part.

I don’t know what it means but I can definitely say I’ve had similar experiences with my T!

Glad I'm not alone, I only hear its a "Red flag" if it happens but I just ignore it. I personally love it, I hate attention so its nice being able to hear about him some of the time too. I would assume they like you somewhat, I surely would not be open with someone I didn't like

I don’t think it has anything to do with whether a therapist likes or dislikes a client. I think it’s one of the techniques they use regardless. Both of the two I saw self-disclosed. I have no idea why. I doubt they liked me all that much if at all. I did not like them all that much. I could have cared less about their lives, thoughts, etc. Usually I just looked at them and asked what difference was that supposed to make to me. Neither could or would answer that and so I went on ignoring them when they talked.

I know a therapist can like a client and self-disclose not a word. So, yes, I think this is a technique—either empathic or didactic—and like Xynesthesia I would prefer they not do it. It divides the client’s attention. It can even end that part of the conversation if it’s distracting enough to the client, who might now have trouble returning to the original topic, because what do you say when someone essentially says, “me too,” but might well have boundaries about answering follow-up questions, and yet polite social convention dictates that you can’t just go back to talking about yourself. (Which is how I deal with it: “uh-huh...now, back to what I was saying.”)

There are other ways to determine if your therapist likes you if that is an important question to you.

I don't know if it is necessarily a sign that they like you as in a friendship. It could also be a sign of trust. T has told a lot of personal information. On a few occasions she has mentioned something and said very few people know what she is telling me. We discuss that much of my therapy that is confidential not just what I say but what she says as well.

Many T's also disclose also because they feel it will benefit the client..

How would one determine that? Besides asking? Genuinely curious.

When you interact with someone regularly, don’t you get a sense just by observing how they treat you as to whether they like you, dislike you, or don’t care at all? Even in therapy I think that is true.

My partner and I went to see a marriage counselor a few times who started self disclosing about 15 minutes into our first session. She obviously didn’t know if she liked us at that point. I found it obnoxious- she would use examples from her own life to compare with ours. Her marriage and family life was nothing at all like mine so I did not understand how she drew those comparisons. She was an older straight married mother of three while we were younger, queer, childless military members. All she did was highlight how little she understood us.

I had also seen an individual counselor for about 6 years who revealed little about herself. I know she liked me (and I liked her) but we didn’t waste my session time talking about her. I much preferred her style.

I'm not sure looking for a super deep meaning behind every therapist's action is a good idea. Disclosing some personal information to a client is simply a technique a lot of therapists use. To make the client feel more at ease, more willing to open up.

I think much of it is personal style. Ex-T didn't disclose much (though I knew basics, like she was married, had kids and grandkids, etc.).

Current T hasn't disclosed too much, though I know he's married with a son--and I know from ex-T that current T's son is on the autism spectrum like my daughter (and I let him know I knew that). I asked him his son's age, and he told me, but I said I wasn't going to ask a bunch of details. He may have been willing to share more (he did point out his picture on his desk), but from past experience, I think it might be better than I don't know so much. I do know about a sport he plays semi-professionally, but that's on his website, and we haven't discussed it. And he's shared random things, like that he has bad handwriting but his wife's is really neat (this was in the context of me talking about handwriting).

But I knew that ex-T likes and cared/cares about me. I get the sense current T does as well (only been seeing him a few months, while I saw ex-T for 6 years). I think it's just their personal style as therapists. I'll do a separate post about my marriage counselor, since that's more complicated.

My marriage counselor, on the other hand, discloses quite a lot, and started doing so in our very first session. It's just his style--current T used to work with him and said MC is "an open book." He initially mostly shared anecdotes--that were somewhat related to our issues--from his time as a camp counselor. Then he moved to talking about experiences with his kids--like fairly personal things, such as helping his daughter with her anxiety or when he yelled at his son, and his son asked if he still loved him. He's also shared a bit of his own mental health struggles with anxiety and has talked a little about issues he had with his father. Occasionally, he would just share a story that didn't have much to do with what we were talking about...or he'd try to make an analogy, but it would fail.

I definitely felt more connected to him more quickly due to his sharing so much. I'm pretty sure it played a big part in my developing strong transference (mostly paternal, but a bit erotic) and attachment for him. Because it felt like I knew him more.

However, it became much more complicated when I learned that his wife was sick (won't go into how exactly I figured that out, but a story he told was part of it). He answered some questions I asked about her, but not others. Which was somewhat confusing to me because he's so open about other things. Eventually, she passed away, which I suspected then confirmed with a Google search. MC said he hadn't planned to tell us (or any of his clients) that she'd died (not sure if others knew she was sick or not--again, it was something I'd figured out). And if I'd asked specifically about her, he would have just said "Things are fine." Which, again, was confusing to me. He eventually explained that what he chose to share with us was not "emotionally charged," while obviously losing his wife would have been emotionally charged. So it would be like bringing his feelings into the therapy space. Which I understand. And later, when there was something I wanted to talk about, but it related to one of the conditions his wife had, so I didn't think I should bring it up...that made me understand more why he kept certain information out of the sessions.

But, if he didn't self-disclose so much to begin with, I wouldn't have been nearly as bothered/confused that he wasn't going to share about his wife. I don't think he realizes the effect that his sharing so much can have on clients. And how, say, talking about stuff with his kids can feed my transference. I mean, he recently compared some stuff with teaching his son to ski to his relationship with me...

And I now realize that he sometimes will spend a fair amount of time sharing stories and things in session, and that takes away from our time. This particularly stands out because current T does not share that much or spend time telling stories (he could certainly do that without self-disclosing much, too!). Both sessions are generally 50-60 minutes, and I feel like I tend to get so much more actual therapy content into the sessions with current T. Certainly, there have been some very productive sessions with MC, and he doesn't just prattle on about himself the whole time. And a few times when there has been a really major topic between H and me, he's stayed pretty quiet. Still...

So, just saying that there can be definite downsides to lots of disclosure that might not be obvious until later...like, it's OK until it isn't...

That's a great post, LT. I see a distinction between sharing that is about bonding/having a human relationship and sharing that gets in the way of therapy. I really like knowing what my T is like as a person and I feel good when she shares little things with me, but once or twice I have gotten irritated when her story isn't grabbing me and I know I have a lot of ground to cover in session that day. Time already seems so limited in there.

My absolute favorite thing is when my T's anecdote or analogy in session relates to something in MY life, not hers. So not only was she listening to what I told her before, but she's making connections that weren't on my radar. Like the skiing thing, my T once compared some relationships in my life to people in different kinds of boats a few weeks after I happened to mention that my spouse and I had recently tried and liked canoeing. It seemed like a slick therapist move. Maybe a little cheesy, but the analogy was helpful and I liked that she remembered that tiny detail.

I don't think self-disclosure proves either way whether therapist likes you or not. Depending on the situation it could just mean that they have very poor boundaries and from my observation on these boards that can sometimes lead to problems down the road for the client.

It could also mean that they're just trying to use it as a technique to get you to open up more. Again this could end up backfiring in the long run.

On the total opposite end if the therapist really likes you and has good boundaries he made shoes to disclose very little because he knows of the pitfalls and doesn't want to hurt you. I've been seeing my therapist for almost a year now and he is disclosed very little about his personal life extremely little. But I do know that he likes me from different things that he said and the way he acts.

Based on your previous post it looks like wanting your therapist to like you is something very important to you. This may be something to bring up in session as this is probably a want that carries over into everyday relationships as well. Using the example of everyday normal relationships may be an easier way to approach the subject with your therapist. Just ask them how best to deal with this need or want in relationships.

I don't know that there's a relation between self disclosure and them "liking you." My exT told me enough about his personal history for me to...feel aligned to him at the end of our first session. So I can't think that was because he liked me; he didn't even know me. I think some of the disclosure later on was because we had a healthy alliance, but part of what killed the alliance was the disclosure.

So in short, I know that he liked me. He also disclosed a ton. I don't think those two statements are linked in any way.

It's certainly possible for the T to overdisclose because they like you and/or are comfortable around you. If that is the case, the behavior (in part) involves the T making therapy about them (taking action to derive pleasure from the relationship with you), not you, which is not a good thing.

So may have spoken too soon about current T. Today he was making an analogy to something I was talking about relating to me and my H and compared it to something with him and his wife. And he mentioned that she has ADHD. So...perhaps he's not so much a minimal discloser...

Except for with a T who is very blank slate! Blank slate as in doesn't tell you his thoughts/feelings, express any emotion, use normal mirroring or body language.

In that case, you are projecting what the T is thinking and feeling. Whether or not they like you comes from your own mind, not from theirs.

I know what you mean, though; agree with you--generally, yes, you can tell. Some Ts practice much differently; you'd have to see for yourself I suppose.