[musinglizzy]

So my T asked me yesterday if I feel a connection with her. I said no, and that I haven't for a long time, but that I struggle to find it. She asked what I thought might help me feel more connected to her. I think it's just my style not to "allow" myself to feel connection with anyone. A style I have learned throughout my therapy process.

So, I'm just curious, if you feel connected with your T, what helps get and KEEP that connection? I think my main issue is how disconnected I feel in my life in general....I think perhaps the only, or at least most stable connection I have is with my dog.

In the last face to face session I had, i felt disconnected for the first 50 mins then in the last 10 we totally connected. The following week I talked to him (via Skype) and I asked him his sense of what had changed in the last ten minutes to make us connect. He said there was a subtle shift in him, and he felt more open to me. I said I wasn't sure whether there was any shift in me as I'm not as aware of what's happening for me as he is for him. So I think it probably needs both parties to be somewhat vulnerable and open to meeting each other at depth.

[wheeler]

I have trouble talking. So I find when I don't talk is when I don't feel connected to my T. Not sure if this is your situation as well.

[winterblues17]

I'm not sure how to stay connected! Sometimes I feel super connected in session and then after a few days it's like nothing whatsoever.
Some weeks I feel it more than others, but I'm not sure how or why?! Although I have learnt that mostly even if lose the connection towards the end of the week, after a few minutes once I'm in there I tend to settle down and gain it again.
It's a very strange rollercoaster for me as far as connection goes.

Thsts a big part of the work we do together.
Sometimes I'm much more aware of it, other times I don't think about it, which is when I'm at peace, other times I feel I'm running g round in circles. Looking for it.
I continue to talk about it.
I think sometimes we can be looking outside of us for it when it's right there beside us all the time.

[zoiecat]

This may sound bad, but I don't even have a clue what that means. I guess that is how "unconnected" I am.

I also told my T during the last session that I don't have a clue what he means when he constantly talks about feeling safe. I told him i was not trying to be difficult or stupid but that word "safe" just doesn't compute in my brain.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

This may sound bad, but I don't even have a clue what that means. I guess that is how "unconnected" I am.

I also told my T during the last session that I don't have a clue what he means when he constantly talks about feeling safe. I told him i was not trying to be difficult or stupid but that word "safe" just doesn't compute in my brain.

I agree. I feel so disconnected that I'm having to ask how to find/recognize it! My T actually asked me what we could do to help me feel more connected, and I just don't know. It just happens, I think. Not something I can really ask "how."

[rainbow8]

I get connected by being present with my T, looking at her directly, and not dissociating. If I'm "looking through" her, I'm definitely not going to feel connected. But even if I'm looking at her, that doesn't guarantee connection. She has to do her part too. She has to do more than stay present. She has to show me that she cares, understands, empathizes, and is trying to help me. Sometimes it's the way she looks at me, or sometimes what she says. It's how I talk too. If I do my thing of rambling on non-stop, for sure I won't feel connected. When I go slowly, look in T's eyes, and listen to her, I will most likely be able to sustain the connection.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

So, I'm just curious, if you feel connected with your T, what helps get and KEEP that connection?

To me, it feels more like we connect, more so than that there's a feeling of connection, same as meeting anyone where things just click, which I think is different than what you're asking. My therapist doesn't do that kind of therapy anyway, so it's not something that enters into how I even think about her. She told me once that she connects with some clients more than others, but that she works the same regardless. She didn't say whether or not she connects with me, so I really have no idea how it is on her end.

I think if it were more along the lines of the kind of connection you are referring to, I would maintain it by remembering interactions that went well more so than interactions that went haywire, but in your case there is so much that went haywire, I don't know how you get back to where you were.

[RaineD]

My connection to my therapist became more stable as our relationship deepened and became more secure. For a long time, our relationship was rocky, and I had this nagging suspicion that he really wanted to get rid of me but just couldn't do so ethically. Back then I'd feel connected to him sometimes, but the connection would fade between sessions or if we had a bad session I'd feel totally disconnected. This went on until last December when we had a rupture so bad that I almost quit therapy. I actually asked him to help me stop therapy. But he asked me to stay. That's when I realized he doesn't want to get rid of me.

Since then I've felt more secure in our relationship, and I usually feel connected to him. Sometimes the connection falters, but I don't lose it completely.

I think it's just learning to trust him and knowing that he cares about me. These things take time. And sometimes it takes rupture and repair to get there. But it's possible.

[BonnieJean]

I struggle with this concept, too. I don't really know what connection means. My t has said she feels a connection with me and since I don't, I guess connection can take place on only one side. Makes me more confused.

[annielovesbacon]

For me it's a comfort thing. When I first met her I didn't have an immediate connection. Usually when I meet someone I decide I either like them or I don't (usually I turn out to be right after getting to know them, but I do keep an open mind as I am wrong sometimes). But with T I wasn't sure if I liked her or not. It took a while but I finally connected with her. It had to do both with trust/comfort, and also we have similar personalities and I became comfortable to be myself around her.

I'm abroad right now and as a result when I finally see my therapist again (August) I will have gone eight months without seeing her. I expect our first couple of sessions to be a bit disconnected, as we both will have changed and maybe she even will have forgotten about me while I have spent these last few months thinking of her and missing her almost every day. But I feel confident we will get that connection back in due time.

I don't really know how to make connection happen, for me it's something that either happens or it doesn't in relationships.

[NP_Complete]

I wish I knew the answer. I have felt very connected to my therapist. He was with me during some really difficult times and still is. But there have been some rough patches also lately between us. At our last session I didn't feel connected and I felt we were just floundering and left feeling so alone in the world. I have little to no outside support so it's just him. I know that's not fair to him, but it's how it is for now. I feel like our connection keeps me tethered to the world and now that I don't feel it, I feel completely adrift. It feels like it's gone for good and now I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know if it's me or him. I'm afraid I've made too many blunders lately and he's tired of me but can't get rid of me because he knows it would destroy me. I want to talk to him about this but it feels so pathetic and I don't know what to say to him.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I think eye contact, validation, and reassurance all help with feeling connected to my T. When my T shows that she understands and she empathizes with me, I feel connected.

I felt very connected with my last therapist most of the time, it was sort of effortless. I think I tend to experience that when I like the person I am interacting with and we have similarities in our thought processes and interests. Those were definitely abundant with that T. With the other one though, there was a fluctuation even in the beginning when we had a generally good relationship: in some sessions I felt connected but in others not at all. It really bothered me as I like to have a sense of connection with whoever I am interacting with and don't usually struggle to engage if there is mutual interest. I often felt we had almost nothing in common and he often interacted minimally. I told him then that I would like him to engage more because without that, I am not getting anything out of listening to myself talk. He changed it then and became more talkative, it made some difference, but I just figured we were so different in personalities and how we liked to do things, there was very little to latch onto. Just a bad fit.

Generally, I can quite easily engage most people but there has to be interaction, I don't usually feel a connection with someone who just stares at me or provides very superficial, meaningless input. I think generally I tend to connect with people more cognitively than emotionally, so that has to be based on some conversation. Emailing with the T between sessions also helped to provide that.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I wish I knew the answer. I have felt very connected to my therapist. He was with me during some really difficult times and still is. But there have been some rough patches also lately between us. At our last session I didn't feel connected and I felt we were just floundering and left feeling so alone in the world. I have little to no outside support so it's just him. I know that's not fair to him, but it's how it is for now. I feel like our connection keeps me tethered to the world and now that I don't feel it, I feel completely adrift. It feels like it's gone for good and now I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know if it's me or him. I'm afraid I've made too many blunders lately and he's tired of me but can't get rid of me because he knows it would destroy me. I want to talk to him about this but it feels so pathetic and I don't know what to say to him.

NP, I'm wondering if you could think about this in terms of needing to re-charge or re-invigorate therapy in some way. There are a few articles out there suggesting what clients might do if things feel stuck or adrift. You could bring in childhood photos of yourself for instance, or something you've written or created, or anything else that seems meaningful to you. I've shown my T short YouTube clips that affected me a lot, more than once. You could try sitting in a different place, taking your shoes off, lying down on the couch, other things to change the feeling of the session. Once, because of a blizzard we'd just come in from, my T asked if we could leave our shoes outside the room on a rug. It was bizarre how different (and nice and cozy) it felt sitting there in just our socks. Another suggestion I read was to spend time discussing the exact moment you are in with him -- telling him what you're thinking about him or "reading" off him, and how it's affecting you. That makes sense from that Irvin Yalom perspective, that talking about the relationship in the here and now can energize the therapy.

I think I feel particularly connected to my T when I feel like we're moving forward together, processing something or figuring something out. It's like the progress or the momentum is part of the feeling of connection. If that is also true for you in any way, then it's not necessarily that you've lost something you had before, it's just that you need the momentum back in order to feel it properly. I also think you could ask directly for your T's help in getting you both through (and out of) this adrift or "in limbo" period.

[DP_2017]

Probably not typical of most T's but mine has allowed me to photograph him several times and i look at those pics often when I feel sad or disconnect... it helps

So does writing him letters in my journal, even if he never reads them and outside contact when needed.

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

NP, I'm wondering if you could think about this in terms of needing to re-charge or re-invigorate therapy in some way. There are a few articles out there suggesting what clients might do if things feel stuck or adrift. You could bring in childhood photos of yourself for instance, or something you've written or created, or anything else that seems meaningful to you. I've shown my T short YouTube clips that affected me a lot, more than once. You could try sitting in a different place, taking your shoes off, lying down on the couch, other things to change the feeling of the session. Once, because of a blizzard we'd just come in from, my T asked if we could leave our shoes outside the room on a rug. It was bizarre how different (and nice and cozy) it felt sitting there in just our socks. Another suggestion I read was to spend time discussing the exact moment you are in with him -- telling him what you're thinking about him or "reading" off him, and how it's affecting you. That makes sense from that Irvin Yalom perspective, that talking about the relationship in the here and now can energize the therapy.

I think I feel particularly connected to my T when I feel like we're moving forward together, processing something or figuring something out. It's like the progress or the momentum is part of the feeling of connection. If that is also true for you in any way, then it's not necessarily that you've lost something you had before, it's just that you need the momentum back in order to feel it properly. I also think you could ask directly for your T's help in getting you both through (and out of) this adrift or "in limbo" period.

I think part of the problem recently is that I got triggered two weeks ago about some stuff from my abusive relationship, stuff that is really painful for me, and I've been struggling with it since then. I've talked a little about it in session and I shared a journal entry that was really raw with him last week. I find this stuff hard to talk about, but probably could with a little prompting. I'm afraid he's feeling stuck or unwilling to talk about it maybe. It's sexual stuff involving trauma and other things I don't know how to categorize (bad sex vs. trauma). He's always seemed okay to talk about sexual stuff in the past. I worry I shared too much. I worry he doesn't think I'm able to speak about it in person. I worry he feels uncomfortable discussing it. I don't know what to think. But I think not talking about what I wrote is making me feel uncomfortable and maybe that's why I'm not feeling connected right now. Therapy is hard at times.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I think part of the problem recently is that I got triggered two weeks ago about some stuff from my abusive relationship, stuff that is really painful for me, and I've been struggling with it since then. I've talked a little about it in session and I shared a journal entry that was really raw with him last week. I find this stuff hard to talk about, but probably could with a little prompting. I'm afraid he's feeling stuck or unwilling to talk about it maybe. It's sexual stuff involving trauma and other things I don't know how to categorize (bad sex vs. trauma). He's always seemed okay to talk about sexual stuff in the past. I worry I shared too much. I worry he doesn't think I'm able to speak about it in person. I worry he feels uncomfortable discussing it. I don't know what to think. But I think not talking about what I wrote is making me feel uncomfortable and maybe that's why I'm not feeling connected right now. Therapy is hard at times.

If your T is generally quite good, then I'd imagine he should be very comfortable talking about anything sexual, including trauma. I would guess (I'm going off myself here) that it's more likely you're projecting your own discomfort onto him? I tend to think my T is having odd reactions whenever I'm bringing up something that I think is weird or uncomfortable or is hard to say. My T has a very good poker face so I have come to suspect that he's not having odd reactions, I'm just so anxious I imagine them. But this is not meant to discount your observations... Just sharing how things often go for me.