[MRT6211]

Maybe about a month ago at this point, my T gave me a hug for the first (and so far, only) time. I had so many mixed emotions about it at first, but now I’m just so happy that it happened because it showed in a way how much she cares about me. Now I just constantly feel like I want hugs from her or for her to like hold me and comfort me. I feel weird for feeling this way/having this transference, but I could never express this to her.

Anyone else know the feeling?

[DP_2017]

Yep, all too well.... mine hugs me every time and has for many months... however hugs were a huge terrifying thing for me so at first I didn't crave it but rather felt intense shame over it

Anyway, after my dog passed in the fall, it was the first time I broke down in session.... he let me hug him and cry on his shoulder for about 5 min, it was the most amazing feeling ever. Since then, I always want longer hugs, I feel cheated with the super short ones...

and I sometimes wish we could just snuggle or something on the couch so I could have that feeling of safe/comfort...he knows all this though.

Is there a reason why you haven't had more? maybe tell her how it made you feel, suggest doing it more often but just know, it can make you become CRAZY attached, I feel like I'm losing my mind somedays.

[growlycat]

Yes absolutely. I always wonder what it is with me, why do I crave this all of the time? Current t amazingly enough allows hugs at the end of just about every session. In the past t’s either limited hugs or didn’t do them at all.

I’m sure the need comes from deep in the past, etc etc. current t said I am contact deprived I. General.

[Carmina]

My therapist offered to hug me recently as I was very upset over some memories we discussed but I daren't go there, she is too beautiful and I'm already a little in love with her.

[SalingerEsme]

My T just doesn't hug, to the point that I can't even imagine it. I dont think he has ever touched me, except maybe through giving a tissue. He adamantly doesn't believe in it. Since I dont know any differntly, and he is my only T in life, I dont think about it.

[winterblues17]

Yeah I've wanted to hug mine, more so recently which i find really unsettling as it doesn't come naturally to me. We have talked a little bit about it, but I tend to try and change the subject or dismiss it because I find it quite shameful which I know really I should, it's common etc etc but I just can't seem to say it and end up talking nonsense.
Although even now as I write this I'm not sure I would even like the reality of it as I'm so distant with people the thought does scare me, but still do I think about it, yes.. and for some reason I seem to really want to try, even if it's to know she's not replused by me, which is a big fear I have with people, due to I suppose self esteem issues!

[ScarletPimpernel]

Hugs are important to me if I'm going to share intimate information with a person AND have a relationship with them. My T and I hug after every session. It lets me know that everything is okay. I told her from day 1 that I want hugs. She agreed and we waited till I was ready. I would love more touch, but she has her boundaries.

Absolutely. I am not a hugger. I have never been a hugger. I don't like to be touched. Then, one day, I wanted a hug. I left my session super confused and upset with myself for having that feeling. We ended up having a huge rupture because I was too afraid to mention it. Eventually I went back and brought it up. We talked about it for a long time first but now we hug after every session.

I would recommend bringing it up. Maybe your T is ok with it or maybe she isn't but at the very least maybe you can explore that feeling more?

[Elio]

I had been seeing my T for over a year before our first physical contact - a handshake. We talked about it for some time before we did it. At this point the allowable touch is incidental, high fives, and handshakes. I had requested a hug after an emotional session and was redirected to the handshake. I have also asked for a specific additional touch and was told no. I have written extensively about wanting to be held and we have talked some about it. At times, I have felt held by her in session; it has been a while. I have not requested any additional touch since the no. I don't believe this is because she said no as much as there hasn't been any consistent desires that I feel might be allowable.

I do hug family and some others in a hi/bye way - touch in general is not an issue for me and for a relationship where I share so much of my inner world, I would expect hugs to be part of the relationship.

[RaineD]

I really like hugging my therapist, but I've only done it twice. I have to ask for it, and I'd feel weird asking all the time.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by RaineD

I really like hugging my therapist, but I've only done it twice. I have to ask for it, and I'd feel weird asking all the time.

I hear ya. At first because of my issues with hugging, he asked me every time, and then we got to a point where it was just 'normal" and no one asked, but one time I surprised him and asked, and that was cool but hard for me to do, so I could see if he had not initiated so often, i would not be as lucky as i am with the constant aspect of it

[NP_Complete]

I don't wish for a hug (I feel I'm too disgusting to hug), but I wish he would touch my hand in a caring way when I'm upset and crying sometimes. He does say my name in a caring way that feels like a hug and sits forward in his chair, so at least there's that. I don't think I could ask him for more. I don't know what he'd say.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I don't wish for a hug (I feel I'm too disgusting to hug), but I wish he would touch my hand in a caring way when I'm upset and crying sometimes. He does say my name in a caring way that feels like a hug and sits forward in his chair, so at least there's that. I don't think I could ask him for more. I don't know what he'd say.

Been there, I brought up my touch desire and it lead to a rupture and me nearly quitting therapy, still my biggest regret and I am still so scared to even accidentally brush against him, so I'm super aware of my hands at all times now, kinda sad really

[RaineD]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I hear ya. At first because of my issues with hugging, he asked me every time, and then we got to a point where it was just 'normal" and no one asked, but one time I surprised him and asked, and that was cool but hard for me to do, so I could see if he had not initiated so often, i would not be as lucky as i am with the constant aspect of it

I wish mine would initiate! Never gonna happen, but a girl can dream...

T and I shake hands, high five, she's asked to hug me twice in three years, and last session we touched hands for a while on the table because I felt bad for making her sad.. then at the end I asked for a hug and received it.

Pdoc and I only do 'formal' touch, meaning handshakes and doctor's stuff.
He shifted to an automatic blood pressure monitor a while ago. I liked the manual one more; it feels more personal. Not sure if that's because of the touch or because of the half a minute of intense attention it takes.. I think the latter.

The ways T and I touch, and pdoc and I touch, feel very natural and not over-the-top, stiff, or unhealthy.

Although the first time T asked to hug me was WEIRD. And I don't think I liked that one either, at least not at that moment. I do in hindsight because it opened the door.

[Iamhiding]

I am so with you here and completely understand every word.

My t does touch my shoulder on occasion, but I agree that I would give just darn near anything for 'hugging' and/or 'holding', especially during the very difficult times.

I have NO romantic desire in the hug, but there is something soothing and protective with my t that I have never had anywhere else and I really do crave that even though it hasn't ever happened and I can't imagine it ever will. As someone else said " A girl can wish", even if it is just wishing for comfort and compassion.

Why do so many t's fear the physical contact as if every client is wanting a romantic relationship or something (I know some people are simply not physical in nature, but I have heard a lot of people say their t's do touch them, but wont hug or hold).

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Iamhiding

Why do so many t's fear the physical contact as if every client is wanting a romantic relationship or something (I know some people are simply not physical in nature, but I have heard a lot of people say their t's do touch them, but wont hug or hold).

It seems like that is the message thrown out there, which is quite sad because for me, it's a huge reason why I am spooked by touch and intimacy with people, I fear I come off that way and they will get weirded out by it, it was why I struggled so much with hugs at first.

[nottrustin]

T and I started hugging at the end of every session probably a few months into therapy. She asked if she could give me a hug and the end of a painful appointment. She asked for the next few weeks. Then she stopped asking and we just did it. Only once we have had physical contact during an appointment. I stayed really crying after disassosiating. She said next to me and rubbed my back for a few minutes. It was nice.

EMDR T we shook hands at the end of my first couple of appointments but then she stopped offering. But saying good bye seems awkward.

[Anne2.0]

I am not interested in physical contact in general with my T, but there was a time in therapy when I had an intense longing to just sit at his feet and lean back against his shins. I didn't ask for it even though I disclosed my desire-- I had a spouse and other people who would have been willing to do so-- but it was useful to me to understand where this came from (it was during a period where I was digging into some trauma in the past).

I've never so much as brushed against T.
I've longed to be held by her for 15yrs. But am to afraid.
T would allow me too. Intact I feel she wishes I would.
I feel like if I did, I'd release a flood of yearnings, I've held all my life.
But I just can't.

Originally Posted by Iamhiding

Why do so many t's fear the physical contact as if every client is wanting a romantic relationship or something (I know some people are simply not physical in nature, but I have heard a lot of people say their t's do touch them, but wont hug or hold).

I don't think they necessarily fear it (in most cases I would say that was highly unlikely) or assume it is romantic or sexual in nature. They are maintaining boundaries - not only for the clients' sake - but also their own. I wouldn't want to hug 4, 5, 6, 7 people a day, even if I did care about them in a professional context. Hugging in therapy seems like an unreasonable expectation or request to me, although I think I partially understand the desire for touch.

[MRT6211]

Wow thanks for all the replies, everyone! It’s good to know I’m not alone in this.

When it happened for me, T totally initiated it and I was very shocked but went with it. She’s not usually the touchy-feely type, she’s more stern with me usually/challenges me a lot. She did it kinda of as a “reward” for me doing so well lately in controlling my behaviors. She also lately, in that respect, has kept telling me how proud she is of me, both because she thinks I deserve to hear that and because she know it makes me uncomfortable to hear that and she’s pushing me. In a way, I did request the hug...but it was in journal form, where I said “oh man I could just really use a hug right now.” Little did I know that she would be the one to deliver, though!

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by MRT6211

Wow thanks for all the replies, everyone! It’s good to know I’m not alone in this.

When it happened for me, T totally initiated it and I was very shocked but went with it. She’s not usually the touchy-feely type, she’s more stern with me usually/challenges me a lot. She did it kinda of as a “reward” for me doing so well lately in controlling my behaviors. She also lately, in that respect, has kept telling me how proud she is of me, both because she thinks I deserve to hear that and because she know it makes me uncomfortable to hear that and she’s pushing me. In a way, I did request the hug...but it was in journal form, where I said “oh man I could just really use a hug right now.” Little did I know that she would be the one to deliver, though!

very cool

mine was similar, he initiated because of an email where i said i hoped i would be able to work on my touch issues and how i hate hugs etc, i wasn't asking or ever expecting anything, more or less just let's talk about it and he asked if he could hug me.... it's been routine ever since.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

I've never so much as brushed against T.
I've longed to be held by her for 15yrs. But am to afraid.
T would allow me too. Intact I feel she wishes I would.
I feel like if I did, I'd release a flood of yearnings, I've held all my life.
But I just can't.

yesssss, i feel this so much.

after only a few months working together, she gave me a hug before the christmas holidays...and i was surprised and a little uncomfortable. it seemed to come out of nowhere, and i decided it was a weird abberation on her part, and never really thought about it again.

just a few weeks ago we talked about touch a little bit. I said how my best friend used to "force" hug me when we saw each other (we see each other much less bc i am a hermit and she is much busier with life and engaged), and would tell me that i need physical touch.

i told my T that she has stopped doing that, which i am fine with, but i also told my friend (and my T), that I get hugged and touched by small children all day, every day. I am a teacher to two year olds, so hugs are a mainstay of my job. My T and friend say that it isn't the same than with adult affection.

My T pointed out that I only seem comfortable with touch from my kids and my cats. I suppose that is true, though I was a lot different in college.

THEN, she was like "I hug my clients, but only if they ask--and many of them do." That was my internal face. It seriously blew me away. I am not sure why because I know she is a major feeler (she is the complete opposite of me on the Myers-Briggs test: ENFP), but I find it a little weird that so many people want a hug from someone they don't really know?

Maybe I am the weird one

But that longing...I keep it buried deep, deep inside. I finally told my T recently that growing up, I was always jealous of my aunts on my dad's side, because they seemed to have such close/affectionate relationship with their daughters. What i haven't told her, and probably never will, is that it was a physical longing...like some string tugging me towards them, but I refused to allow it to happen.

And this has happened to me in adulthood as well, just much less so, and I just ignore it like always.