[peaches100]

I thought I'd give an update about how my therapy is going. Those of you who read my earlier threads know that I reached a point with my t where I was seriously ready to throw in the towel and terminate, due to her not being willing to step outside her strict boundaries to help me in times of crisis.

We had a number of discussions about it together and finally worked out an agreement for out-of-session contact that we both could agree to. Simply put, I am allowed to email her between sessions if there is something specific I want us to work on in my next session, if I am having a crisis and my coping skills haven't managed to ground me, or if I need reassurance that she is there/hear me/got my message.

By the time we came to an agreement, though, I had already made up my mind to stop emailing entirely, except in an outright emergency. I just wasn't willing to put myself out there and attempt connection knowing that my t had a habit of not consistently following through when I reached out for support.

I am glad to report that that I have broken my habit of emailing my t almost entirely. In the last 3 months, I have only emailed her about 2 times total.

At first, it was very painful. It felt like actual separation anxiety, emotional pain, and withdrawal. The worst of it lasted about 3 weeks. But after that, it got easier and easier not to email my t. Now, it has become a new habit not to do it.

The other change I made is to tell my t that I did not want to do any more deep work that triggers my past traumas, encourages activation of my dissociated parts, or focuses on attachment. Even though my t did not think it was a good idea to make these changes, she agreed to do what I thought I needed to do. Since then, we have focused mostly on DBT skills and cognitive processes that keep me in my adult frame of mind.

I can tell that my t wants to go back to working on the deeper issues, but I am not ready for it. I need to take healing at MY pace, and the pace is determined by how much I am capable of processing emotionally without decompensating midweek and needing her support.

[All Is Revealed]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I can tell that my t wants to go back to working on the deeper issues, but I am not ready for it. I need to take healing at MY pace, and the pace is determined by how much I am capable of processing emotionally without decompensating midweek and needing her support.

Awesome! It is your therapy session, and you pay your therapist. So you dictate how the session goes.

[SalingerEsme]

I'm so impressed with the growth and directness in this update. It is like you told her hey, I am willing to do the work, but you have to support me and not leave me without a net. Since that didn't come quickly enough and you don't trust it, you then decided you can't allow yourself to be highjacked into intolerable suffering, not matter what she wants. I hope she sees it as good boundaries and not acting out. I think if you want to treat trauma, you have to encounter your patients when they are despairing. Part of the package.

I am in the ballpark of here too, in the sense of an epiphany that is I push the pace to please my T, then I am going to suffer anguish and insomnia while he sleeps like a baby . However, he is attentive to this and wants to help "make it stop". He took it down about 100 notches the last few sessions, and right away I can feel my trust that he cares rebound and my level of unrelenting anguish calm down.

[here today]

Originally Posted by peaches100

. . .

I can tell that my t wants to go back to working on the deeper issues, but I am not ready for it. I need to take healing at MY pace, and the pace is determined by how much I am capable of processing emotionally without decompensating midweek and needing her support.

It great that you could come to this solid understanding and knowledge about yourself. Thanks for letting us know how things are going. I'm impressed and happy for you!

[Amyjay]

Well done! I am really impressed you have that much control over it. Have you got a plan or an idea about how you will ease back into trauma work?

[rainbow8]

You sound very strong and determined, Peaches! Good for you.