Need to vent/Need some help

I don’t know if anyone read my previous post about my T yelling at me on Thursday but to recap...I’m part of a day treatment program and basically my T from there screamed at me about being difficult and how I’m self-sabatoging, etc. and then she told me she did so because she cares deeply about me, etc..

Well since then I’ve felt really unsettled. And on Friday when I went to program I guess I was still acting like a jerk and being kinda combative/telling one of the T’s there during class that these skills aren’t working for me, etc.. Anyway, that T pulled me aside after class and had a very stern conversation with me about my behavior lately, how I’ve started acting differently lately, and how she feels like I’ve changed a lot for the worse since I joined the program 4 months ago.

Then I went and talked to my T and she said that her and other T had talked and then told me I needed to stop acting like a petulant 12 year old. And she started riding my case for awhile, too. We ended up having a fairly good conversation after that but of course, being me, all I can focus on is everything bad that happened before that.

I feel like such a piece of garbage lately. I feel like all I do is let everyone down and make everyone mad at me. As soon as I start feeling close to people, I get scared and sabatoge our relationship. I’ve done it recently not only with Ts but also my boyfriend and friends. My friends don’t even want to hang out with me anymore. I asked in our group chat if anyone wanted to hang out and they all literally just ignored what I said, no one even replied at all. I’m not even sure what I did with them.

I feel so sad and lonely. I feel like everyone is against me, but I know that is a cognitive distortion and the Ts are only riding my case because they believe that I can do better and want to see me be okay. But it just feels like I screwed up so much in life lately and made everyone disappointed in me. I don’t get why I have this self-sabatoging way about me. I don’t understand myself. Realistically I want to get better and succeed, but I am keeping myself stuck. And I can see that I am doing it, I just don’t know how to stop myself.

I’m just sitting here and beating myself up about everything that has happened recently. I did make some positive changes...threw out self harm materials and also decided to start taking my meds again...doing a lot of self soothing and DBT skills...trying to do my best to redeem myself in their eyes. But I still feel really crappy.

Any sage advice from people who have made it through similar struggles?

I haven't been through this kind of thing in therapy, but I have been through this kind of thing in life, where you kind of become a drag to be around. You can come back from it. Don't get down too hard on yourself about it. We all go through hard times or bad periods where we are in the dumps and aren't very fun to be around. At least you are able to recognize that you're putting off these bad vibes.

Pay attention to the things you say. Are they unnecessarily negative or angry? Are you able to communicate your feelings in a calm way? Are you being overly combative and confrontational?

Are you showing any care, compassion, empathy for others?

It sounds like you are working on addressing your behavior. That's all you can do. People should come around eventually. Just hang in there and do as you've been doing. Work on your self-soothing skills, do your DBT.

Just remember that going through a bad period doesn't make you a bad person.

Seesaw

I couldn't have said it any better than Seesaw. Perhaps look at the behaviors you are exhibiting that may be driving people away. Observe your own reactions to people and make positive adjustments, based on what you've learned in therapy. Listen to the therapists and ask for additional feedback and specific examples of negative behaviors. You can make changes, it takes time and effort, but it's well worth it to have friendships and to make positive progress. (((((Hugs)))))))

I think that your T yelling at you was a bad move on their part. Therapists should be understanding, compassionate and caring and demonstrate this in their mannerisms and treatment of patients. To me being yelled at hurts and is a breach of trust. Self sabotaging may be related to a deep-rooted fear of not wanting people to get too close. I have some of this so I can understand it to a degree. Maybe you need to ask yourself "*Why* are you afraid to let people in?" What is it that you don't want them to find out or *see* or *uncover*? I'm no therapist or doctor but, I suspect that for some of us that these kind of feelings can stem from an intense trauma that the mind feels it can never handle again and this is an attempt at protecting ones self from further harm. If you decide to see your T again, you may want to run this idea by them and get their opinion on it. I belief that mentally ill people should be handled with care and tact. We are a delicate lot who many of us have been hurt really bad and it isn't easy to just hand over our trust the way we hand over money during a transaction. Your feelings matter and your T should respect that.

You have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? This typically comes from a history of childhood neglect and even abuse, could be emotional abuse, but abuse. So, what that means is you developed unhealthy habits to get your needs met that you need to identify and understand so you can gradually learn how to change these behavior patterns. You probably have developed some deep seeded patterns that are "go to" reactions that tend to be so automatic that you don't even realize these reactions do more harm than good when you interact with others. These patterns did not develop over night either, instead they have been there for a long time, so it really takes time to gradually change these habits. I am not sure "yelling" at you is the answer, especially since that's probably how you developed these reactions in the first place.

Ya T yelling at you seems ridiculous. We are all seeing T's because we are at our wits end. I see my T because I'm batshit crazy, if she yelled at me then who tf is gonna put up with me? My entire life I thought I was a ***** and held grudges, made enemies easily etc etc. When I got diagnosed with BPD I realized that these awful negative aspects of me... They're not me. Well they technically are me because I'm the one who did/said those things, but it just seems like a fight. A constant fight needing to push against everything but then I slip and lose my mind. Either go to extreme sadness or extreme anger. These bad qualities are my disorder, they're not me. I try to control myself as much as I can, repressing. This helps to some degre on the outside but internally it just makes things worse. People don't understand BPD. They believe we should have more control, but we are doing the best we can.

I used to act out a lot of my feelings in therapy. My old t finally, exasperated, gently asked me to just tell him what hurts and why I’m angry. It really diffused my bad behavior. I just needed care and attention. I don’t know if this is true for you, but sometimes one can feel lost and ignored on a group setting and acting out is the only time you get attention. When talking to your t try to just st verbalize the pain and the feeling of being ignored A good t will realize that they may be contributing to the problem.

Thanks for your replies everyone. Since I posted this I’ve done a lot of introspection and reflection on my behavior, why I’m acting that way, and what I stand to gain from it. The short answer is that all I really have to gain is attention from it, but I recognize that there are much, much healthier ways for me to get the attention that I need. T and I started something that has been really helpful to me. I write to her now in my journal every night and then I send what I wrote to her and she reads it and gives me feedback and it makes me feel heard. I am so glad we started this, it has helped with my racing thoughts a lot. Also I’m on new meds which is good. L

I really think T yelling at me was what I needed in that moment, and she knew what she was doing. She knew that she had to snap me out of my spiral, and she did so very effectively. Where at first I was bothered by it, now I see the value in it and am okay with it. She has shown me that she cares about me far too much to let me self destruct like that, and that means a lot to me.