[granite1]

so much to say. it has been a long time sense i posted here . i am in such distress over my therapy . i dont know what to do . i care very much for my therapist ,or at least i think i do . she insists i am acting out my fear of her abandoning me in therapy. it all started with me forgetting my check so i stopped at the atm and got cash. at the end of the session i told he i forgot my check and would like to pay her in cash. she seemed to forget that i paid her in cash and called me that monday to inquire about it . i told her i paid in cash and we figured out what happened and i thought it was over with. but it was not

last week in session she brought it up again . she insisted that i panic if i forget my check . maybe that is so but i didnt feel i was acting out at all . but whatever. anyway last week and today she seemed to want to create a rupture or something . she seems to be creating these horrible flash backs in session . she seems to be mocking me when i am crying . i shout at her to stop mocking me . she just looks at me . i get lost in myself and traped in my own world . she was right when she called me out on this . im terrified to be there and when she mocks me i am drawn back into the past with the mother . she doesnt seem to see this. or maybe she does .she says i see her as i do the mother i do not know how to not when her behaviors mimic hers so closely . the mocking .when she asks me to speak it seems like a trap just like the mother . it is to speak to give her more material to mock me with .or to put me down .to scold me more . she said i need to see that i can make a mistake and she will not hit me or throw me out of therapy .or any of that but that i wont give her the chance . i wont because she is acting exactly as the mother would, her words are the same . how can i separate it . today she insisted that if i didnt snap out of it that she couldnt let me leave like this. she said if i stayed in my head and refused to talk to her that i would need to come back later that night for another session and that if at that point i am still in the same frame of mind then she would insist that i come back for yet another session . i was not going to go back for any more sessions. at the end of the session she asked if i was ok and i told her i was . i didnt want to go back for another session . but when i left i was so in my head it was hard to concentrate on my driving . it was like i was back with the mother and i was just allowed out of the chair and allowed to go to my room i was so depressed and defeated all i wanted to do was to sleep . to escape from it all .she is right i do keep seeing her as the evil mother but that is because she is behaving as she did . i dont know if it is real or in my head but either way im terrified . she said i need to be able to talk to her about my fears but she wont let me talk .it is a trap to get more reason to punish me .

[mostlylurking]

Granite, would your T be willing to have you record a session? I'm wondering if her words come across very different from within the midst of a flashback, than they would if you listened to them again later, from a safer place. There are some terrible T's in this world, but mocking a client for crying would be quite an extreme behavior (not doubting it's possible-- but wondering if it's worth recording a session).

I think it's a goal of trauma therapy to not go too fast, and to focus on helping the client be grounded and feel safe, before delving into any of that. Does she do relaxation exercises with you, or distract you with small talk to help you settle in, give you objects to hold, anything like that?

[zoiecat]

I agree I tend to dissociate quite a bit and session and I will leave thinking my therapist was a bit rude or nasty but I always make sure I go back and listen to the recording before I say anything. My therapist actually suggested that I record sessions because I couldn't remember anything that happened. Not always but usually once I listen back I realize that my interpretation in the moment was wrong. I'm not saying I don't believe you because sometimes my first interpretation is correct and I will address it and we'll work through it the next session. Although this is usually done by me writing what I want to say down and handing it to him because I can't seem to do it in person, I would dissociate too bad. I'm just saying that sometimes in the moment we don't catch a lot of things Horry misinterpreted tone. I love being able to listen back to my sessions I get so much more out of it when I can listen in a relaxed State at home.

[unaluna]

(((Granite))) whats her motivation?

Like i can see my aunts' motivation, they just want dominion over all they see. Italian lady mafia. Just when i think im out, they drag me back in! But i dont think your t has that motivation. You just SEE her in the same mold, like lucy holding the football for charlie brown. But shes not lucy. And there is no football between the two of you.

[Amyjay]

Granite, omg, that sounds awful! Does your therapist even know what she is doing?? Your therapy sounds so incredibly traumatizing and it shouldn't be like that at all! It doesn't seem like your therapist is recognizing flashbacks when they are occurring in front of her and doesn't know what to do with them anyway. When I flashback my therapist very gently guides me back to the present moment with grounding skills. With extensive trauma history like yours NOTHING can be accomplished when your whole nervous system is over reactive and responding as if the trauma is in the present. Your T should know this and it angers me that she doesn't!!! She is NOT trained enough to treat your trauma and you will make so much progress so much more quickly and not feel like you are right back in childhood every session and afterwards with someone who is properly trained.
PLEASE find a proper trauma therapist!

(((granite))) i wish i knew what to say to help. all i can do is say i hear you, how painful your sessions are, and i'm sending love and hugs and strength to you.

[peaches100]

Granite,

I'm glad you reached out for support here. I've missed you!

It sounds horrible what you are going through. I'm so sorry you are feeling such confusion and emotional pain. Just recently, I have had a similar experience where I felt that my t's actions totally mirrored how my mom responded when I was a child. I dissociated for extended periods of time. I was confused about whether my t had actually done such a horrible thing to retraumatize me, or if I was just not seeing things correctly.

My t and I had to talk about it...and talk about it...and talk about it some more before we could resolve it. As hard as it is, you may need to discuss this situation with your t enough times until you are sure that (1) she understands how you feel and how you interpreted her actions, and (2) you understand the reasons behind what she did, whether or not her actions were hurtful or intentional, and if not, then what were her intentions when she did what she did?

The other thing I had to do is compare how I viewed the situation ... depending on whether I was in my triggered state of mind or my normal untriggered frame of mind. I noticed that the way I interpreted what my t did was totally different, depending on which "mind state" I was in.

When I was triggered and upset, I believed that my t had been intentionally hurtful, that she had betrayed my trust, and she had reinacted my old trauma. When I was not in a triggered state of mind, I still believed that my t had made a mistake, but that it was truly a mistake and not intentional. I also felt that I had totally overreacted.

It took several weeks of talking about the situation with my t, posting on PC to get other people's opinions, and analyzing my own constantly changing reactions/viewpoint to figure out what the heck was going on. I kept going back and forth between my triggered state of mind and my normal one. I didn't know which of my viewpoints was correct or who was at fault, t or me? FINALLY, I was able to understand the whole picture.

For me, what it boiled down to was that the problem involved both of us. Without meaning to, she had done something that felt too similar to the trauma I had in the past with my mom. I then reacted to her as though she was just like my mom. I felt the same horrible painful feelings I had in the past with my mom. At first, m t did not see how she had done anything wrong to trigger me. She thought I was just reacting because of my existing issues. But over time, she realized that she did make a mistake in the way she handled the situation, which made it much worse.

Once we both could see this, we worked together to repair the rupture. But it took several weeks, and I honestly came extremely close to just quitting therapy with her right then and there.

As hard as it is for you to talk about your feelings, Granite, it seems like a very important thing to do. Expressing your feelings, explaining how you see things, asking questions, and clarifying what is confusing to you...all of this is necessary in order to repair a major rupture. It hurts and feels awful doing it, but for me/us, it was the only way through it. Otherwise, I was going to quit therapy and totally give up on both her and myself.

I would also encourage you to discuss with your t the "pace" in which you are working on things in your sessions. It sounds like once you get triggered, thing spiral quickly. You get overwhelmed emotionally pretty easily. It's vital that your t learn to set the right pace for your therapy work in sessions. Otherwise, you will get triggered and overwhelmed too often, and it will just set you back each time, rather than helping you tolerate those memories and work through them.

Because I get triggered and dissociate easily, and because I never learned how to manage emotional pain (I was used to cutting it off and not even recognizing it, I tend to decompensate easily if we try to go too deep into my traumatic experiences. My t has had to learn the hard way, over and over, that as much as she wants to help me recover, she MUST slow down the work. Otherwise, I simply cannot emotionally tolerate doing it. I'm wondering if your situation is similar.

Please do try to talk to your t about this, Granite, again and again if necessary. But between sessions, do all you can to soothe yourself and avoid ruminating on it. It's "too much" to carry around with you all week between sessions. You need to get some space from it. Do what you can to remain calm. Remind yourself that you are safe in this moment. You and your t have a pretty solid history together. You'll find a way to work through this, just as you have before.

[unaluna]

slowing things down is something i often had to do or say, literally. I was like, hey, you just skipped ten steps!

I second the suggestions to record sessions. For me, my brain literally can twist the words T says, her voice tone, her facial expressions etc. It becomes twisted in dark and sinister ways though I don't have flashbacks like you do. It helps tremendously to be able to listen to the recording repeatedly and discover again and again that T is not my parents.

Missed you, granite.