Couch 159: Aemilia, a Couch on the Asteroid Belt

I'm feeling really down today. I don't know if it's related but I had a dream last night that I ran into my therapist in public and he glared at me. I'm feeling anxious about seeing him again after our long break. I worry that now that he's had time away, he's realized what a pain in the *** I am and that he's tired of talking with me. Does anyone else feel anxious resuming after therapy breaks?

I do, particularly after lengthy breaks.

Somebody who manages to get the most amount of hurt in the least amount of time. Like falling down a mineshaft, hitting everything on the way down.

Yes. Anxious and weirdly hurt. My therapist noticed that it took about three weeks after her (one-week) Thanksgiving vacation for me to seem like my usual self with her again. (I wasn't actively upset with her for that long, but I do think "the work" suffered for a couple of weeks after she got back.)

I mean this in the nicest way possible - LOL YOU ARE INSANE

Yes, I fear the therapist has changed during the break. I know its illogical but I worry anyway.

hey couchies, my son just texted he's partway home at the houston airport changing planes. i have been instructed to pick him up in his truck so he can drive it home he has missed his baby haha he had a good time with my mom, sister and her fiance, they bought him 5 pairs of jeans lol and gave him the portable bass amp that he wanted for christmas. he built my mom's workbench for her and did some other work around her house that needed his tallness. then my mom decided he was on vacation so she needed to stop having him build/fix things and let him rest. i hope he had a good time, i haven't talked to him much, so i guess he did otherwise i'd have heard about it i'm sure!

hugs to all who want!

So after being upset and emotional last night, mostly about MC, I ended up e-mailing T. I know T isn't a huge fan of e-mail, and he charges if it takes a certain amount of time to read/respond to. But he's also said that's because he wants to really focus on it, and if a client takes the time to e-mail, he think he should respond thoroughly. In my e-mail to him, I said I knew it wasn't his preferred form of communication--he'd rather schedule an extra session or possibly phone call, but with the holiday weekend, I wouldn't be able to see him before our Tuesday appointment anyway.

In the past, he's responded to any e-mail (usually brief ones) within 24 hours, so I was starting to get concerned. But then about an hour ago, he responded, apologizing, saying he hadn't really had time to "step away" and respond in detail, but that he'd do so tomorrow morning. Which meant a lot to me, because it implied he wasn't annoyed or blowing me off. Had MC done that sometimes in the past--particularly the week that led to the awful phone call--it would have meant a lot to me. Instead of his just ignoring me for several days (and yes, I get that T's are busy and don't check e-mail/texts all the time). But it makes me appreciate T more--because he thinks about stuff like that. (We'll see how I feel after I see his response...which I'll have to pay for, but that's OK.)

no wine tonite y'all. every night this past week (including last night) was a bit much. i suppose it helped me in the processing of feelings about leaving t area, in being honest with myself about it, but i've decided enough is enough. i'm moving forward now. Finally "swimming on" as my new-ish username was meant for! i'll be leaving for the airport to pick up my son in about 30 minutes, can't wait to hear all about his trip. i didn't talk to him hardly at all while he was gone, guess he was busy!

Tomorrow is cooking day! So we'll have dinners to just heat up quickly for the week, since I start my 10 hour days on Monday. Our theme for this January at work is "Game on!" I'm ready!

eta i'm watching my son's flight on flightaware.com, it's kinda cool. looks like they're about 20 minutes from being over el paso, tx right now.

Its officially 2am in the morning for me. I woke up 2.5 hours earlier than I needed to automatically without an alarm for my flight which is supposed to leave at 7:30am.

The last day here was spent with my younger 14 year old sister and taking her to her favorite stationary store in Covent garden. As we left the store she said "I don't deserve this" and I asked her why she said that. It hurt that I saw aspects of myself in her. This week i've caught her saying other things too such as putting on a happy face and that she didn't deserve to live. And I just see myself in her. I've tried to help build up her self esteem but clearly it's had no effect. I come "home" every 3 or 4 months often just staying 4 days at the most because I find it so toxic and upsetting. In the summer I delayed coming home as much as possible and left early at the first chance. There's also a reason my brother also stayed away at Christmas so it's not just me. It just makes me sad that I'm not there for her like so should be. That I can't protect her.

"she's no good",with various variations depending on my fathers mood is played repeatedly almost every day. I've heard it so many times that I believed it and still find it hard to shake. She's going to grow up feeling that she's worthless and it will affect all her interactions including the boys she falls hard for and the way she lets them treat her. She's going to hurt and also going to spend hours crying to a therapist because of what our home life was like. My mother loves me just not in ways that I've ever felt it.

I've paid for my tuesday session, but will immediately have to go to exam mode the moment I get back to my place. My exam will be in 12 days and I wasted time coming here. I agreed to my old double sessions the week after I came back but also asked for a third session. Now I just want to get through the season alone start again after his birthday on the 28th in february and let the distance between us grow.

I found a lego version of R- even though that sounds silly but my sister and I stayed up late just playing and it stood out for me. I decided to steal him and take him back with me. I've tried to upload a picture but I'm on my phone at the moment so it might not come out correctly.



I don't think I would have managed this therapy break without you guys.You all mean a lot to me. The same thing with all the hugs at the bottom of the posts. There're not just words to me. I would count you guys as friends

(((lemon))) Your post made me so sad.

After our last break (only one week in October, but the week before I had to go to my H's sentencing hearing), the day before we were to resume, I saw him in public and he gave me a big smile and waved at me and I felt the anxiety melt away. I'd give anything for that to happen right now. I'm tempted to email him and say "Please tell me you don't hate me".

He's home he's home! (my son)

He was NOT a fan of the freezing cold temperatures in Missouri!

Ok this something i have been struggling with for nearly 4 years, one of my T responese to to my attraction after the usual reasons why he cant have sexual relationship was "even if i was sexually attracted to a client i am not allowed to tell them" why didnt he just stop at the ethical reasons. This just caused me endless confusion but I didnt ask because i desparately wanted to be attractive to someone. I havent thought about it for a few years but lately it has been bugging me, because i still cant get my head around what it means. I kmow literally what it means I was thinking there is subtext in there that was intentionally intended to trigger something.
eta: if he was not attracted to me would he feel the need the say this?

I looked at the powerpoint I gave the therapist a few years ago - the problems I had with the woman never changed. She never made even the least amount of sense to me. I have no idea why she said anything ever. I never did. Recently she said she "knew I did not trust what she said" - this is patently untrue. I never understood anything she said. It never got to trust - I don't see how one can trust what is not understood.

Blind faith?

Blind faith? Oh good lord. I cannot imagine anything more insane than to blindly trust a therapist. But to me, they are not connected. Blind faith, or any kind of faith, means you understand something.
I seriously never had a clue why the woman EVER said anything or how it was supposed to be useful.

I’m not advocating it. But it does seem to be an expectation therapists have of clients.

No wonder I am not their model client.
She also called me challenging in her parting shot.

One of my kittens purrs so hard he shakes. Lol

*hugs* I'm doing good. I hope things ease up for you and that you feel less crappy

I must've been a model client then... I trusted ex-t a ridiculous amount very early on... almost from the first meeting. Oh the things I am now realizing looking back with a changed perspective. Yes I made a lot of positive progress and change with her, but there was some questionable **** too...

Do you have to be angry with her/hate her to leave her?

I hate these Peloton commercials.

Wow. Good question, SD. Thanks for asking it. I don't have it in me to hate her. But yes, I think maybe being angry with her helped initially. Because if I hadn't let myself be angry, I'd keep wanting to go back to try to get the ending that I wanted, which I have now begun to accept she wasn't going to give me. (Operative words "begun to" - I'm not there yet!) And I kind of even understand why she wasn't going to. Because she can't "give" me closure on our relationship - seeing how it's such a one-sided one - I have to find that inside myself, which is what I'm working on doing.

eta: and the looking back with a changed perspective or however I said it is part of that.