Couch 159: Aemilia, a Couch on the Asteroid Belt

Thanks LT. I've narrowed it down anyway... If not the last, 2nd to last. Depends really on how it goes today. I frankly don't know which I want more!

omg, YAAAASSSSSS! Me too. I will have to check out this book.

Bad combinations: holiday stress and PMS (hey, that rhymes!)

A reminder of how thankful I am for post-menopausality. Is that a word?

Just thought that I'd chime in and announce that I'm going back to school too! Mid 50s and going to be a grad student studying to be a T, woo hoo!

My session. It started out well. I said all I wanted to say. We were on the same page. Until she told me she doesn't see it as so black and white. I changed the subject and we talked about the 'big dream' I had. Then we came back around to me not coming back. I said I would like her to say I can call and come back if I want to in the future. She said "of course". But if she's calling it a break again that this time I want it very open-ended. She said that was fine. Then we talked about my mom n some other stuff and apparently she got the impression I wanted to come back soon cuz she tried to schedule in January and I sighed and said no. I said I didn't want to schedule I admitted that yes I could see coming there indefinitely but that isn't the point, I don't want to. For all the reasons I'd already said. Then she asked if it was the money. I said yes of course that's a small part of it. I felt myself starting to get angry and realized if I let myself get angry she'd say that meant I wasn't ready.

But to me that is not even the point anymore.

Now I am angry that she made me question myself. ETA: Scratch that. What I should have said is that "Now I am angry at myself for second-guessing myself yet again." I am not angry at her.

I should not have gone back. But I did hug her before I left and said "you know you'll be getting an email now" and she said "I know". We wished each other Merry Christmas and I left.

Phhhht.

It's a word now! I have to say, I'm impressed at how tuned in I am with my body. I said last night, when I was being really irritable and H said he'd give me some space, that it was likely PMS. Looked at my calendar (where I note the dates of certain things) and was like, "Yep, period is due to start in a day or two" (Merry Christmas to me!)

Hugs, Art...it sounds like your T was letting some of the countertransference come through again. Like her not wanting to let go of you...Good for you for not feeling pressured to schedule. Maybe give it some time and see how you feel? Which I assume is what you're gonna do...

I am sorry you are having a hard time/ambivalence with the ending - but I have never really understood why you can't let yourself do it if you derive pleasure/benefit from it which you seem to do. It doesn't have to be over. I think anger that you are questioning yourself is a sign you are not ready to quit. Or just feel it and go on and don't look back. Or try a new one and see what they have to offer. I don't think life is one clear step at a time. Plus, I think even good endings can have their sad part or parts where you would wish to continue. In your case, I think you see it as graduation and that all would be starkly clear and I don't it works that way. It is like turning 18 or 50 or getting a law degree or some other milestone and expecting something to happen immediately and clearly when, at least for me, the day just went along as all other days.

I finally bought myself new shoes. Its been over 2 years and my old pair were literally falling apart, the sole was starting to separate, holes in the soles. I also looked at my orthotics and they are 9 years old i was supposed to have reviewed at 5 years but due to separating from my ex i had to go through the public system who thought a review was changing the cover and trimming my nails which freaked me right out as she did not ask she just grabbed my feet and started in. Anyway i do not feel guilty for buying them like i would have last year.
I

Is there a goddess for it? I feel like i should be grateful to someone specific. But someone without plastic surgery. So not Martha Stewart. And not Suzanne Sommers, cuz shes always TALKING about hormones. Somebody more... greek!

Eta - i could TOTALLY see my t at the end of a session like that going, "so, i'll see you next week, same time?" I think its called "equanimity". A five syllable word meaning "in one ear and out the other." Kind of how i respond to the family calling. "Gee thats great. Gee thats terrible. Let me know. Yes call any time." But inertia keeps us doing whatever we were doing before. In ts cases, having appointments. In my case with the family, not initiating anything. Kinda?

ah it's more than kinda, una. i just realized something. at one point t said something about this being a "friendly professional relationship" because we've been doing this work together for over 6 years now. and of course I realize AFTER i get home, that's a big part of it dang it. i became very excellent at avoiding having the conversation around the wanting to be friends thing. maybe i'm running away from that. because it felt so damn good the last 5 weeks not being bothered by it!

aaaaauuuggghhh!!!

I think we should 1) christen it a new word and 2) invent a goddess for it. Absolutely she would have to be au natural - no plastic surgery of any kind, no make up, no fancy hair do. But at the same time she would have to be a regal feminist. Or something like that.

Thanks LT. I dunno. I figured some more of it out I already posted. But yeah I left it open-ended so now I can give it however much time I want.

Thanks SD. See you do understand me! (don't get scared now. haha) But yeah I think that's exactly how I see it. like i can't move on with my life without this sort of, right of passage or something. Hmm.

Why do I torture myself?! Went Christmas shopping (not as last minute as I have in the past) and wrapped a bunch of stuff in a marathon. Next year it's all getting ordered off the internet! Physically I just can't do it.

Good night couch!

I was semi okay yesterday, but now I've crashed and burned and am back to being angry we made a deal in August when he last went away that he would leave a safety net for me, which he didn't.So i'm free to act up or in any direction I choose.I am not a saint- I want to be bad, I want to ruin his stupid holiday because he left me behind. My flight is today and i'm wondering what's the point? I could be in Paris or Spain but I would just be as miserable as I am now. Going back to London always triggers me and I often come back feeling worse. It's too loud and I don't have my own space. Anything could set my dad off. Anything could set my extended family off. There is no peace in that house. I don't have it in me to put on a mask. To give them a show. To make them see what they want to.They only want me "happy". I'm mad at my grandmother but I can't express that because she pays my youngest sisters school fees.. My parents don't know me. I'm angry so damn angry at them for not being better. For not loving us properly. For all the abuse we had to go through. Yes I had the silver spoon the private school education from the age of 7 but I never felt safe in my own home. I had panic attacks from the age of 9. They weren't there for me when i was builled at 14 for "acting like a lesbian". My dad made self harm jokes and teased me with the same words they used.

I will have all of this raging inside of me but I will turn up at the airport at 9:45 and not say a word. Answer the same superficial questions like what I had for lunch or be told cat stories or gossip i don't care about.

I just want to cut R out now and not return in january. Leave his stupid emails unanswered hurt him financially for a bit.

And I do feel better after that rant. xD

Edit at 11:06am= Oh my little borderline mind- I'm currently sat smiling and I feel happy.

If you'd like a great, informative critique of Pollyanna stuff:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/...9-bright-sided

Hugs to everyone struggling. I'm doing well here with my partner. Being away from my family of origin is working wonders.

A message from my mother ruined my entire day some day ago. I'm less emotionally numb. I'm.effing deeply relaxed and content.

I wish I could bottle up the well-being I feel and send each of you a bottle. I've decided that I'm never spending Christmas with my family of origin if I can avoid it.

QM- could you send a message saying you will only be available to talk at X time then just turn your phone off for the rest of the day to limit exposure. You only have a duty to your own heart and putting yourself first is NOT wrong-
being around toxic people drains your energy. Cut them out with no regrets. You need people who lift you up not those who drag you down.

And helmets.

True! I'll shut Wi-Fi off on my smartphone (she's using whatsapp)

good early morning (yawn) i can't sleep. been awake for a couple hours already, took a long hot bubble bath, then wrote up a bunch of stuff about my session yesterday evening. Some good thinking. I figured out the last piece (and probably the key piece) of the puzzle of why I need to leave t. drum roll please.

She was right when she asked about the cost. Except it's not monetary. It's the emotional cost of therapy. Perhaps I should have talked about this a lot more than I did with her. I mentioned it a little here last night, the whole wishing we could be friends thing. The wanting more of her than I can have. It's like it's always there, under the surface, yet getting in the way at the same time, and I run and hide from that conversation every time it briefly comes up, and deal with inside myself instead, hence the emotional cost. And I'm tired of dealing with it. Tired of paying it. And so I want to leave. The stupid (for lack of a better word) thing is though, that I have a ton of positive reasons for leaving as well. All of that is true. I AM happy with where I'm at. My relationships ARE better. I HAVE gotten everything I came for (as I say, times about a thousand). I HAVE supportive relationships outside of therapy, including my shamanic group. All of that and then some. And the piece that is monetary is ALSO true, I went back to school and h and I are wanting to start aggressively paying down our mortgage.

But it's like none of that matters one whit. She knew there was something else. Of course she knew. And that's all she'd focus on and why she was trying to schedule for January. But she didn't tell me about it. Just left me to figure out what the hell it was. Oh I shouldn't curse. I'm not angry with her. I'm not even angry with myself anymore, it is what it is. I'm running away from talking about this wanting more of her than I can have thing. Because it's uncomfortable of course. And it's one of the lingering things that I still beat myself up for when I think about it. Duh. She knows it, everyone here knows it, but good old stubborn me refused to see it. It just, well, it makes me wonder why I can't just let the positive reasons for leaving be enough, say goodbye, and move forward like I claim I want to do. Instead of all the second/third/fourth guessing myself. Why I run away from talking about the thing I need to resolve so that I won't keep second guessing myself. Because part of me doesn't want to leave, of course and I admit that. But that doesn't change the fact that I need to.

And one last damn it, besides, I did NOT agree to sign my life away. It's like in some ways I'm a slave to it/her and I have no choice. I'm feeling so very, very trapped in a vicious cycle again. How do I get out of it once and for all?!

Thanks for reading if anyone got to the end of that without falling asleep. I feel somewhat better just for getting it out.

This game is really the only thing keeping me happy right now. I know that's pathetic but it is what it is right. Anyway here's my character and my camper I designed ☺

The game is Animal Crossing Pocket Camp on mobile

........

that looks like a cheerful little game. i distracted myself last night with the facebook game Klondike.