Ups and downs in the therapeutic relationship

For those of you who have had ups and downs in your relationships with your Ts, what generally causes the "up" phase?

My relationship with my T has improved lately, and therapy doesn't negatively affect my life as much as it used to. The cause of this improvement seems pretty minor--he started responding to my texts and emails in a timely manner (not that I text or email him much), and I feel I'm allowed to text/email him occasionally when I have a good reason to do so.

It's strange that such minor changes can make such a big difference. I'm curious about other people's experiences.

Recently, my T told me what does she feel (it was in response to what I said to her) and after this, I felt really connected and closer to T. And generally more motivated to share things with her. Then, in the next session, we discussed this and I realized that she didn't say about her real feelings but it was about something she felt because she thinks I feel like that (ok it's complicated but there were just *my feelings* which she just received, not her feelings from her "soul").
And then... boom! After this, everything disappeared. I feel no connection, don't want to share things etc.

So, I think in my case there is the "up" phase when I feel real support, trust, and connection from T - and then I feel good in this relationship and want to act similarly.

For me I can trace the upticks to times when I was willing to take a risk and be more honest with myself about what was going on with me or what I was struggling with. I think for a lot of years in therapy and off/on throughout, I chose to deal with more daily life hassles or small pieces of the traumatic experiences I've been through. In these later years, after a lot of CSA related trauma processing, I see a lot more clearly how the things that get in my way are related to that, and making these kinds of acknowledgements helps me move forward.

The downer for me was when he breached confidentiality, back-stabbed me with his blondie gf, mocked and humiliated me when he lectured and on and on and on. I was used for his profit and he made plenty off of exploiting me. Please, I hope this doesn't happen to anyone else. As long as he's practicing, no one is safe.

I have got so used to the feeling that he doesn't really care. So when he makes an effort to show that he has been thinking about me or tries to repair the relationship, that's a really good thing.

I think the minor adjustments can make a big difference also. I believe consistency is key, so when the change is minor it adds a slight boost to the relationship without disrupting the foundation. If that makes any sense. My t made a another very minor change with me last week. Every time she does something like she did, it seems to somehow make the relationship a little more safe and solid.

I don't know. I would not say I experienced any ups. I experienced it as more not as horrible to horrible.

I haven't ever experienced the volatile love/hate relationships with my T's that some people have. I've never considered leaving therapy because of a rupture with a T. I know I've been mildly annoyed before, but I can't really even remember specifics. As for ups, I tie these to when I have made the effort to disclose something. T's responses have counteracted my fears and I am able to trust her more. I am then more able to allow an emotional connection. I am still working on this with my current T, but I think we're on track. I also feel more connected and cared for when a T says something that shows she knows something about my personality quirks. For example, longtime T knows I have a pathological aversion to asking for help under any circumstances. Current T is still getting to know me and I'm making it pretty hard by not saying much. When we do talk directly about one of my quirks, I feel more connected to her. I think she's starting to pick up on how extremely passive and avoidant I am... identifying when my plan is to just hope something goes the way I want it to. Finally, I find there's an upswing, at least internally from my perspective, when my T tells me she appreciates me sharing something. It makes me feel more inclined to be open knowing that she recognizes and values my efforts to communicate.

Oh, and one more. I feel an upswing when my T connects something I tell her with something else I mentioned in a previous session without me spelling it out. That makes me feel seen and heard.

I do really well with my T when we ease off the core of severe trauma issues. My perspective widens, and I see him as a wonderful professional doing good work, bright , insightful, trustworthy, sensitive, and a teeny but of a show off.

He is a bit flexible, and has slightly let me have a say in how the session goes, though in the main, his boundaries define his practice. He is one of the most strict T's from reading here and comparing. Usually, I feel like he cares, in the sense of he cares very much about his work and I am part of his work .

Then it all goes wrong when we go 6 weeks, 2 sessions a week on some harrowing trauma. I struggle with coping resources to face the past without defenses , I can't sleep, I have nightmares, and I end up feeling like he pushes me too hard in session. Add to that what I perceive as a " c ya wouldn't want to be ya attitude", like a frat boy not calling the next day, in which he nods in empathy at the horrors he gets me to confide , and then goes to Disney with his kids or whatever. These are times I hate therapy , and start to see him as not caring, not being responsibly, eliciting too much material and then leaving me without a net. He is very strong and boundaried. I would just never dare ( or even want?) to call him between sessions, although he does let me email right before my session so I feel less scared on the way in.

My ups and downs with my T relate to how hard we push on the kind of prolonged exposure to trauma memories. I think though, deep in my heart I have decided to trust him. I always have an awareness of how very just intelligent he is, and it uplifts the process. I would like to have my T be more like some of yours and just care more- call and check in, say sorry once in a while- but that isnt his practice. He is very much you are my 9 to 10, you are not my friend , not my family, and not even my 10 to 11. I have a lot of friends and social support in a way, but I have kept all my childhood a secret until this T, my first T. So it really does hurt that he doesnt seem to care all that much once session is over, though he is prepared and engaged for session unfailingly. We are peers on paper, outside of session, with a lot in common educationally, background wise etc, but in therapy that matters not. I feel it is a power play or a mind game at times.

I actually think that may not be minor at all. Prompt replies give a client the sense that the T is with them in some sense, even when not in session. I think it makes it easier to feel connected, and easier to believe that they care. Especially if you're dealing with anything from childhood, because our younger feelings do not deal well with unpredictable long delays, any more than children do. If weekly sessions at a set time give a client a sense of reliability and consistency, then so do prompt replies I think. I also think "internalizing the therapist" works a lot better when you feel that they're with you in this way, that they haven't disappeared off the planet in between sessions.