Had My Session

I had my session with my t last week. I ended up telling her much of what I put in my thread about "Alternative Support." I feel like I raked her over the coals and felt bad about it. We talked about a lot of things, but I wanted to tell you guys about a big insight I/we had in the session.

We had been talking (again!) about why I felt so angry and upset about her not providing the support I needed back in August when I emailed her and my MIL was dying (and other times I've felt she wasn't there for me).

While we were talking, I realized that it wasn't the length of her email reply, or the words she used, that triggered such anger and hurt. It was that when she replied, it felt like the t I knew had disappeared. Something was missing. I could tell by her reply. Our emotional connection felt gone.

I said to my t, "When we are in the therapy room together, you seem to truly understand why I need extra support. You know why it is a need, not just a want. It seems like you are in touch with the emotions I'm feeling, almost like you can feel them too. And you want to help me in any way you can. At those times, you look and sound genuine. I believe you really feel that way at those times."

"But if I contact you via email for support when you are outside the office, you don't seem to have that same sense of understanding. Like you don't know why responding is such a big deal to me. Sometimes, you even tell me later that you didn't understand what I needed from you, even though we've talked about it over and over in my sessions."

I said to her, "We talk all the time about how hard it is for ME to hold onto an emotional connection with you between sessions. It's hard to hold onto our connection when I am not physically with you." I told her, "I'm starting to wonder if YOU have trouble holding onto an emotional connection with ME when you are out of your office and I contact you for support."

So I asked her, "At those times when I email you for support, are you actually able to bring up and "feel" the same emotions for me that you felt when we were in our session together? Do you still recognize why the needs are so important? At those times, do you feel the same strong urge you felt in my session when you told me you wanted to provide whatever support I need?"

I said, "When you reply to my email asking for support, it doesn't seem like you do. The understanding and connection between us, and your desire to really help me is there in the session. But after you leave your office and get involved in your personal life with your family and other activities, if I email you asking for support, something is different. Something is missing. It's like the connection isn't there anymore. Like you can't relate to what I'm going through. I can tell by the way you word your replies. It's like you aren't there anymore." THAT'S why it hurt so much. I couldn't put a finger on it for the longest time, but that's what bothered me so much. I said, "Somehow, small part of me knew." Then I shed a few tears.

After a pause, she told me, "That was a brilliant insight. I think you're absolutely right." She agreed that it is difficult to respond appropriately when she's with her family and busy doing other things.

She suggested that at times when I need outside support from her, we should plan to touch base at a set day/time. Then she can plan ahead to be away from the goings-on, go into a different room, where she can concentrate on the connection and providing the support I need.

This is great insight! I am so glad she also acknowledged that this might be what was happening and has made some changes to how she will respond. Does it make you feel a bit better?

I have trouble maintaining a connection with my T when not with him so I understand what that is like. I guess T's may have difficulty with this too although if they are a good T they will have worked on this themselves in therapy. Even if they have though aren't they meant to try and 'switch' off when outside therapy so that they don't burn out and can live their own life? It must be hard to try and 'switch off' and yet then bring that connection back at a moments notice when it is needed IMO. So touching base at a set time and date when she can focus on you and giving you the support you need sounds like a good plan.

Wow, what an impressive insight, peaches! Finding the words to describe your inner turmoil must have been such a relief to you. So, your T is going to give you a day/time when she will respond to you when you email? I am so happy for you.

I think that's a great insight too! I'm glad your T admitted that she's not present when she's with her family and that she's willing to make a time when she will give you her full attention. It's much better that you're working things out with her rather than keeping your feelings inside. I hope you're proud of yourself, Peaches.

That IS a good insight. For a while there, i would expect a return email from my t on sunday morning, and there was something about it, like you could just PICTURE him sitting at his computer with a mug of coffee, a dog on his lap, and smoking a cigar as he answered emails. But you didnt feel like an exception or an afterthought, you felt like you had his attention.

Thanks everybody for hanging in there with me and providing me with opinions and ideas about how to handle the problem I was having with my t.

I do feel better now than I did before my session. I feel like after having a number of conversations with my t about this, I finally was able to pinpoint the actual problem. I think that she has a little better understanding of what goes wrong when I ask for support, and now we have a "game plan."

In the future, if I need support, I will let her know, either by leaving an email or a voice message, that we need to set up a day/time to briefly talk on the phone.

I don't like talking on the phone...I much prefer email. But she has told me that it is hard for her to read me and tell what I'm needing when she can't see me or hear my voice inflections. So I need to use the form of communication that will make our communication most productive.

Another thing we are going to work on in sessions is to slowly create more of a feeling of connection inside the session. I told her that the more I learn to feel connected in session and to hang onto it when I leave, the less likely I will be to need outside support from her.

I think this is why one of my T's stipulation to responding to email is as soon as feasible/possible with lots of talking around some of the many reasons she might not reply right away, including not being able to get away enough from her life to put the right focus on a reply.