Struggling with the pain of transference in therapy

Please stay safe. As Moxie said, it's very possible she's away for the holiday or busy with family/friends. I had e-mailed my T Friday night because I was struggling with some stuff. He usually responds within 24 hours. Last night, he wrote to me and said he'd respond to my e-mail today, that he hadn't had a chance to "break away" and really focus on my e-mail. I really appreciated his just updating me like that (hopefully I'll actually hear from him today...).

But my marriage counselor often varies quite a bit in how long he takes to respond, and he's told me he can never guarantee how quickly he can look at or respond to an e-mail or text. So sometimes it's been several days, and then he does (or sometimes doesn't) respond.

So it may be that your T plans to respond, just hasn't had time yet. Or maybe she hasn't even had a chance to read your e-mail at all. When do you see your T next?

Also, if you're feeling that bad, with the ideations, you could try reaching out to her again. Are you allowed to text or maybe call?

It isn't unusual to have feelings for a t......a bond is formed when we share deep feelings.....we love those who listen without judgement and care for us. I have loved my t for a long time, and he knows it;;I have somehow found a way to live with my feelings and I still see him.

I think she will not respond. I am very sure she read my email, she even encouraged me write that day. I don't need this right know. The struggle that i mentioned on my original post is hard enough. I am feeling absolutely worthless.
Our next session is going to be on Friday next week. I see her once in two weeks, and it feel like an eternity. I fear what she will say to me at our next session. I hope she will not be mad, or annoyed, or worse.

Ask her for sessions once a week. I am not sure why you only see her every other week.

Sometimes they read and cannot respond right away. Waiting is hard, especially when I ou know she's read it. I purposely do not have my devices setup for me to know when they have opened a document up.

We started with a weekly rhythm. After three months she suggested to try it with two weeks. She had a busy schedule at the time so i went with it. Then one month later transference happened and it made therapy much harder. I even experienced relapses.
I told her recently that the waiting time is too long for me and it is interfering with the progress. That's why we made a deal, she told me to write her once between sessions. It is not working very well so far, and her not responding to my email makes it worse.

Yesterday I read a little bit about transference, missing our Ts, pain caused by this relationship etc.

And it seems that in therapy (in short):
1. First, we should start to feel close to our T (to make this relationship important for us)
2. Then, we'll probably start to miss T between session, be angry that they have family, friends - things they can't give us
3. It's important to feel all these feelings. They are not pleasant and T can't do much about this (if they have strong boundaries) but it seems to be important just to feel them fully.

They described that these feelings are probably the same we had in the childhood. Some needs were not fulfilled then and now when there is right (caring) person available these needs are awakened again.
When we fell them again and not avoid them - it is a healing process.

What do you think? Is there someone who went through these steps and can say that fell and discuss all of them may help? It seems to be really cruel and painful experience...

Does she still have a busy schedule? Even so, I think seeing a T every 2 weeks should be used only when you are winding down sessions, can't afford weekly, or for some other extenuating circumstance. Once a week is the norm for therapy. At least that's my understanding. I hope your T will be able to change her schedule so you can have weekly sessions.

I try for every other week myself, but if I ask her for less tine in between, she never says no.

Has your T ever mentioned anything about if constant contact makes it worse or if it can help? I want to ask mine about that, but for myself, I worry it would make it all worse. I'd love it, but thats exactly the issue... I might love it too much and give more into transference than actually working through my issues. Maybe not, tho.

Mune doesn't comment too much on my transference. She is awesome, and I think she's too smart to fall for my begging for her love and keeps guiding me the way I need to go. I know shes great, but sometimes I wish she'd just see that hurt child in me and just hold me. Right now, I miss her like crazy.

Maybe she is waiting until she has time to write you a good, response, is thinking, or keeps starting and stoping.

This is an important point, I think. Did you read this in something that you can post a link to?

Sure, here's the link (there are few posts (parts) on this topic there):
Attachment to Your Therapist

I have read at least part of that book but can't remember if I finished it. It didn't give me what I needed and had too much rambling about case studies. Not sure what I was looking for, maybe some magic science about it all. LOL.

Anyhow, in my case, it's all related to my inner child and her craving for love from mostly my mom, which was never fulfilled.
Now, I am working on this inner child stuff with my T, and that part of me just loves and adores her and wants her to be that mom-like friend. It hurts like hell because I miss her so much all the time. I know that I have to learn how to fill that void inside me, but it's so hard, and then I find myself thinking, man, I don't want myself to fill it because all I want is her.
But, loving and trusting her that much is really getting me ahead in therapy. I am being honest with her because she is so caring and because I love her, and I am using the positive aspect of transference. Without loving her, I could not have that relationship with her. And, I know that feeling all these emotions shows I am more connected to my inner child, which I have to be in order to heal it.
So, I know all that and try to keep going strong, but sometimes it just hurts so bad that it's just frustrating, and the only person I think I can talk to is my T (because, seriously, who would get all this, no matter how close we are? No-one who has experienced this will get it, I guess).

Anyone else who is aware of why they are having such strong feelings for their T?

I think I get it, ^^ even though my T eventually disappointed me, similar to what I'm now thinking my FOO did.

I like Heinz Kohut's concept of selfobject, even though he was more concerned with the development of a sense of self than attachment, as I understand it.

In that concept, people who fulfill certain aspects that are important, maybe essential, to the development of a sense of self are experienced as part of our ourself. At least for awhile.

But of course your T IS a separate person. So dealing with that dilemma may then sometimes be difficult? And painful? Like cutting off part of your arm?

Hi Cold_Nomad,

I cannot say if I share your pain because that is your own and unique. But I am going through something similar. I (20's M) am attracted to her romantically and feel strong urges of longing and yearning between sessions. They are strong enough to want to terminate therapy and be done with it.

But I know that termination will not be easy either. I have no friends or significant other. My longings have ebbed a bit over the last few months but they do flare now and then.

What I found helpful:

1) I try to accept that she is very happy in her relationship. Trying to accept it has helped me I guess. Would she be happier in a relationship with me? I bet she wouldn't (Depressive position I know).
2) What would happen if I get into a relationship with her? She would carry it in her consciousness as a scar for the rest of her professional life or worse, lose her license. I do not want either of that.
3) Bringing it to her awareness that I am battling this thing also helps a bit.
4) Reading loads of stories of men like me longing for their therapist helps me in a way that this is not unique to me. I think it is part of the therapeutic process for some of us?

I know this is not much and the longing remains.

Thanks for the link! I wish I had understood transference when I began therapy many years ago. I thought my attachment to my T was my own pattern, a game I played with other people in my life too. My first T told me it wasn't a game but an intense need. There's so much more on transference and attachment now, that explain it a lot better.

Hey CN, how are you doing today? I am another one who can relate to the pain you describe. It can be excruciating. I have been immersed in a similar situation for a while now, though I think I may be slowly coming out of it. Holidays and breaks are particularly painful though. Over time, I've come up with some short term coping strategies. If your t is open to helping you with this, it might be a good place to start. Unfortunately mine is not, so I've had to work on these by myself, to keep myself safe. Here are some that help me:

1. Remember that feelings will fluctuate and you won't always feel this bad. In a few hours or days, you will feel differently - if only momentarily.
2. Do something kind for yourself, and try not to include any guilt. This is a way of trying to parent yourself in a kind empathetic way, which is possibly not reflective of the parenting you really received as a child.
3. talk to yourself or child self in that same kind empathetic way.
4. In moments of desperation, simply survive. Go to bed. watch a film. Call/text a friend. Go out for a walk. Eat. Try to connect with someone.

I've started to embrace my negative feelings towards my t and although these can also be very painful, it has helped to move on from the longing and heart ache somewhat. For those of us who turn our anger inwards, redirecting it towards our t's can be helpful... apparently.

I hope that she responds to your email and that you are able to find some peace and head space.

Hello everyone. I just want to say thanks, to all of you, for replying to my messages and supporting me by sharing your own experiences and struggles of attachment. It helps to know that i am not alone, that it is not only me who is struggling with this pain, the very pain that it seemed impossible that anyone could endure.
Thanks for your advice. I have respect for those who were able to move on and grow. I doubt that i will ever going to be able to achieve that, but i will try. It's hard, the attachment is strong, especially for lonely people like myself whose basic needs were never met. I have never experienced love and caress before.

And yes, she did, she replied to my long email. It was very short, she did not addressed my concerns or anything. She just wished me a happy new year (it made me cry, i don't usually cry). Don't know how to feel about it really. It is a good thing that she did not forget about me, on the other hand i wished she could have wrote her usual comforting words or something more about the issue itself.

Sorry, but scenarios like this strike me as a sort of well camouflaged emotional abuse. It's all rationalized away by referencing various therapy constructs and concepts, but still the client/victim suffers like a dog. And for what? For some vague and poorly articulated goal of "working through the transference". I have been there, and it was purposeless suffering. Just because what happens in therapy has some connection with unmet childhood needs does not mean the resulting trauma is good for you. Trust your gut. It's never wrong. Hang tough and don't take any crap.

Hi-
The transference, longings always seem to get better over time. It helps to talk about it. At the same time, those of us who have transferences that intense may have more unmet needs that were repressed. When they arise, they may become overwhelming.

In my case, after the intensity of my feelings dissipated, I got really depressed and have been that way since despite having worked through the transference for years.

Just a word of caution.

Totally agree with you, I wish someone warned me before I went to therapy, I never would have.

I am scared of how I will be when it "ends" and I can't cope. Things already feel like my world is ending