T emailed reminder for Wednesday

I do IFS with T1. It can be a long process, with issues revisited with different parts. The basic idea, in my experience, is that we all sometimes feel childlike, adolescent, professional, etc at different times. And we act differently in our different roles. I am different with my kids than I am at work and all that. And we all have some conflict within us at times. Ex: my head wants to ... while my heart wants to ...

IFS allows me to focus on what just one "part" is feeling, and deal with those feelings without the inner conflict. For example, I am not happy with T3. I have a strong adolescent part who is in charge of getting me out of enmeshed/abusive/intolerable situations. There are parts of me (younger) that would put up with abuse in order to feel loved. There are adult parts that want to be assertive, and other parts that want to cooperate and stick it out.

Rather than dealing with all of that inner conflict, I can journal or talk to T1 about the different parts. In a way, they are shorthand for collections of feelings and experiences. This can make stuff easier to sort out.

IFS also allows me to identify issues that seem to go with certain parts, and then deal with them without the "adult" values of being mature, respectful, appropriate, responsible etc. By identifying my desire to please T3 with the young part that holds it, I am able to look at that desire without the influence of adult thoughts such as "why does her opinion even matter?" or "really, 54 and still wanting to please?" or "buck up". I can focus on that feeling, admit it, and then let it go. And then on to the next part.

IFS is intense, no doubt about it. IFS does teach what they call self-leadership, which would be when the self understands the desires that all the parts may have and makes a wise decision about how to act. That would be the goal. But it can take a while to get there, for sure.

For me, it has seemed like IFS allowed a very young part of me free rein (I've seen that free reign-to me, a horse person, I think of allowing a horse to walk on a free rein. I wonder which is correct?); she is young and needy and demanding and, well, young.

I google my Ts. I think that is ok, I don't have a part that wants to confess it to any of them. It seems to me, and I think others have said this, that the interesting question for Rainbow may be "why the guilt?" and "why keep doing something that causes guilt; what need underlies this, how can that be addressed so that Rainbow can either google without guilt or not google". Either of those questions are ones that my T would be happy to work with me on.

Yes! You wrote an excellent, concise description of IFS. My T couldn't have said it better. So you ARE a help, and I appreciate your kind words.

Free rein is correct. Free reign would be redundant - see "King Trump".

I am not a T. I've been to lots of them. I have no authority over anyone or anything.

Yeah, I'm surprised. I think it's weird.

After seven years, you're this doubtful of her "love?" I wouldn't trust a T telling me she loved me. It sounds like you don't either.

Thank you for explaining IFS! I knew there were others who use it. Those who don't, just don't get it. My guilt is because T specifically didn't want to tell me so I disobeyed her wishes. She would KNOW I was guilty anyway, but I think I tell her so I feel more in her life. I learned that from my threads. It hurts ME to Google; T never told me she minded my doing it except for it making me feel worse. But her being so adamant in not telling me her bf's name makes me think that was about her, not me. So I finally get to discuss it tomorrow.

I trust my T 100%. Sorry you think it's weird. My T doesn't say things she doesn't mean so I wonder if subconsciously she's a little annoyed about what I did so she left off the "love." She doesn't always write it, but usually. I know she wouldn't punish me that way. I am just curious. They were short emails and she was in a hurry. I'll ask her tomorrow.

I would find 99% of what others report they find useful to be inappropriate for me personally.
I don't find much of anything to be inappropriate in a vacuum and if something works for someone else, why doubt it for them?

Whatever works works. There is no arguing with success. But the O.P. is now expressing distress over the T not putting "love" at the end of the email. So, maybe, that was an unwise precedent to start, if the least consistency in continuing doing that provokes insecurity.

There is a sense in which anyone in a profession dedicated to the welfare of others naturally brings love of the humanity of others to their job. There should be an unconditional acceptance of the client by the therapist. There should be concern and caring.

I still think it's weird to sign off with "love."

I don't want their care or concern. I have no belief a therapist is dedicated to the welfare of others (to me that sounds quite horrible) - so for me - there is no "should" there at all.
I would not want a therapist to use the word love in relation to me - but there are a good number of people here who do and some of the therapists use the word and there is no problem for them.

This thread was started because the O.P. is having a problem.

I'm not commenting at all about whether it's OK to sign with "love." But I agree on the possible issue of precedents set by a T. I think of how my marriage counselor tends to end sessions with a handshake and "It was good to see you." When he doesn't say that for whatever reason--like we're still chatting, or maybe he says something else like "Have a good week," my brain automatically goes to, "Wait, was it not good to see me this week?" My individual T varies his parting words, so I don't have a precedent there.

But in terms of other precedents, MC has also allowed outside contact of various forms (e-mail, text, sometimes phone calls), and recently he wanted me to reduce that, which hurt because the precedent had been set. I think T's need to be really careful about what they do regularly (like signing "love") or allow, because a small change can have a huge impact on clients.

100%!!!

I think Rainbow asked her T to say Love, T instead of something else but I don't remember. By following those wishes it may have started something off, just because she doesn't say it doesn't mean anything.

Nope, it was totally her idea. I remember asking her if she made a mistake writing it and she said no. You may be referring to a discussion of therapy love. Maybe she wrote "sending therapy love" but if she did, I wouldn't have been so surprised to see an email "love, T"!

Rose, I tend to think too much about everything! My post wasn't solely about T not writing love. It was me thinking about how tomorrow's session was going to be in general. I'm sorry if you misunderstood. I appreciate your comments even if I disagree.

I don't think anything you report here feels an issue for you. I Judy think the defending of said issues is what you gain from this.

It's almost like they're some gain to be had from his many respond to your threads. Mentioning a T reply "love" is guaranteed to get a lot of responsive. For didn't ie wrong.
Are you even in therapy? Or is this your therapy here?
Honest question. I'm at a loss at the emptiness of all this.

I didn't expect all of these replies and I don't know why I'm getting them. If people think it's "emptiness", they can ignore me. What does "For didn't ie wrong" mean?
So it's a good thing if my therapy is here. This is a support group after all. Of course I'm in therapy! Why are you judging me anyway? I'm sorry if I trigger you in some way, Mouse. Others apparently gain something from my threads.

i don't really see these threads as therapy. they kind of look like obsessive rumination about therapy. i also think about therapy a lot. but i don't think it's really helpful to ruminate about it so much, down to obsessing over one word, or the lack thereof, in an email. getting so many people to comment on your original post merely adds fuel to the obsession and fears, whereas if you went to your therapist and directly asked about it, it would just open up discussion immediately.

I didn't expect or ask for so many replies. It's even kind of embarrassing to me. I see my T tomorrow and I'm glad.

I'm not triggered. I don't like manipulation for attention.
Not saying your are doing this. That's why I'm asking.
I don't get you truly want help for these issues. It's almost like you are wallowing in it and not looking for any real resolution.
Thsts just my feeling.
Anyways. I've said enough.