[silverleaf]

I posted a while back that I had to stop seeing my old-T. I waited a while, then thought I actually still needed help so went to see a new T. New T trained with old T, so I thought it would be an advantage to help me work through the grief/getting used to not seeing old-T, especially as it was an abrupt ended and not my choice.

However. I've talked about my relationship with old-T a lot with new T, and she thinks several boundaries were crossed, it was a very unprofessional relationship on his side and she even used the words 'emotional abuse' last session. She thinks he gaslighted me, fostered my dependence on him, didn't help me empower myself and essentially merged the boundaries between what should have been a 'straight-forward' T and client relationship.

I think she's right. I didn't accept it to start with, I thought my old-T had helped me so much, had nurtured me, been my rock of support and cared for me. But the more I think about it, the more I think it wasn't right. He didn't empower me. He didn't make me think that I could cope on my own. He made me think that I would only cope as long as I had contact with him. He over-shared an awful lot of details about his life. Therapy sessions became an outlet for him rather than a time for me. I didn't choose the topic of what to discuss in a session. He led the sessions (which is fine) but I barely spoke in some of them.

I was nervous of him and felt anxious going there every session, but thought it was because of anxiety about discussing my issues rather than because of him. At the same time though, I couldn't wait to see him and wanted him to make me feel special. He intimated that I was a 'special' client and that I meant more to him than his other clients.

I feel so mixed up. I can't believe this has happened. He HAS helped me to some extent, I had a really traumatic experience and he helped me work through it. But a lot of the time it felt like we were discussing how he felt about what had happened to me, not how I felt.

I just don't really know how to cope with all this, although writing it down is helping. New T is excellent, but now I don't know who to believe. How do I know if new T is professional?! She seems to be very professional.. boundaried, the sessions are all about me, she lets me lead them, she doesn't blind me with psychobabble.. it's just hard to believe that I essentially wasted over 3 years with old-T

It's made my already bad interactions with men worse. He was supposed to be a positive male role model and it's all twisted. The traumatic experience I had was with a man. I'm really worried I'll never be able to trust a man to the point of being able to have a relationship. I'm just scared to even go on a date

Sorry this is a very long post, I just needed to 'get it out' somewhere, thanks

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Hugs, silverleaf. That sounds really confusing and challenging.

It sounds like you're in a good place with your current t. And it sounds like your relationship with your old t was a mixed bag, some helpful bits and some not-helpful bits, which makes things really confusing. I hope your new t can continue to help you sort through it all.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by silverleaf

I posted a while back that my old-T had a cardiac arrest so I had to stop seeing him. I waited a while, then thought I actually still needed help so went to see a new T. New T trained with old T, so I thought it would be an advantage to help me work through the grief/getting used to not seeing old-T, especially as it was an abrupt ended and not my choice.

However. I've talked about my relationship with old-T a lot with new T, and she thinks several boundaries were crossed, it was a very unprofessional relationship on his side and she even used the words 'emotional abuse' last session. She thinks he gaslighted me, fostered my dependence on him, didn't help me empower myself and essentially merged the boundaries between what should have been a 'straight-forward' T and client relationship.

I think she's right. I didn't accept it to start with, I thought my old-T had helped me so much, had nurtured me, been my rock of support and cared for me. But the more I think about it, the more I think it wasn't right. He didn't empower me. He didn't make me think that I could cope on my own. He made me think that I would only cope as long as I had contact with him. He over-shared an awful lot of details about his life. Therapy sessions became an outlet for him rather than a time for me. I didn't choose the topic of what to discuss in a session. He led the sessions (which is fine) but I barely spoke in some of them.

I was nervous of him and felt anxious going there every session, but thought it was because of anxiety about discussing my issues rather than because of him. At the same time though, I couldn't wait to see him and wanted him to make me feel special. He intimated that I was a 'special' client and that I meant more to him than his other clients.

I feel so mixed up. I can't believe this has happened. He HAS helped me to some extent, I had a really traumatic experience and he helped me work through it. But a lot of the time it felt like we were discussing how he felt about what had happened to me, not how I felt.

I just don't really know how to cope with all this, although writing it down is helping. New T is excellent, but now I don't know who to believe. How do I know if new T is professional?! She seems to be very professional.. boundaries, the sessions are all about me, she lets me lead them, she doesn't blind me with psychobabble.. it's just hard to believe that I essentially wasted over 3 years with old-T

It's made my already bad interactions with men worse. He was supposed to be a positive male role model and it's all twisted. The traumatic experience I had was with a man. I'm really worried I'll never be able to trust a man to the point of being able to have a relationship. I'm just scared to even go on a date

Sorry this is a very long post, I just needed to 'get it out' somewhere, thanks

This must be very hard and painful for you. I don't know your full backstory as I haven't read your other posts but your new T sounds like they are good for you and helping you to realize and discover some things that may not have been as helpful as you thought. Sometimes we need time and distance and another's perspective before we can see things for how they really are/were. You say that you feel your old T helped you in lots of ways and helped you deal with a traumatic experience. Try to hold onto this and continue to work with your new T on dealing with the other parts.