Our friendship ended bad :(

I saw my doc for free everyday and mostly were talking about our lives, hobbies etc. I realized that others see him once a weak and I feel like we are friends, laughing and talking everyday at hospital. Sure we talked also about medication and therapy (he is not my t but he knows her).
I was really sad today and asked him do I mean something for him? He asked what do you mean, how to answer? Then he said that we are more then doc and patient but he doesnt want to be in relationships with me.
I was so said and his hug wasnt so tight as it was before.
I texted him how I feel and he said he understands but we will stay patient and doc.
I almost wanted to do selfharm or take drugs but when I drove to drug seller I started to doubt about taking them.
I feel broken because I though I mean something for him, he talked to me like we were friends but now it seems it will never be the same because I told him too much..
I know that we shouldnt be like this and Im afraid he would become cold and wont allow to see him everyday and that he wont hug me anymore. He doesnt like to talk about my feelings for him, its a topic he avoids. He doesnt want that my T knows about it except if I found another T.
Im afraid I ruined our friendship because it helped me more then therapy, it gave me good emotions.

I am sorry LS, this sounds like such a classic story of a professional messing with boundaries and then refusing to take responsibility for it. For example "mostly were talking about our lives, hobbies" - with a doctor, who is not even your T? That is certainly far beyond the scope of his role. Seeing you daily is also weird if it is not in a inpatient or intensive outpatient setting. He instigates these feelings and then takes a detached position, putting you into distress. "Then he said that we are more then doc and patient but he doesnt want to be in relationships with me" - what kind of statement is that, it makes little sense. And that he does not want your T to know about it. Very sketchy behavior all over. I am not sure what to say except to find a new doc, but that's probably not what you want to do.

LS, that sounds incredibly painful. Can you live with the relationship the way that it is? From what you posted, it doesn't sound like he wants to change it, but is letting you know that this is as far as it goes.

I would be feeling like the relationship was more than doc/patient also.

I'm really sorry. This wasn't your fault. I think anyone in your situation would feel the same way. To me the fact that he doesn't want you to talk to your therapist about it, tells me that he knows he crossed a line. I really do think you need to talk to someone about it...if you'd feel more comfortable talking to someone who doesn't know him, maybe do that. But just know it wasn't your fault. You couldn't keep going on like this...knowing you have feelings for him but hiding them. That would be really bad.

Also seriously good job at not doing drugs or self-harming. That was amazingly strong of you.

Thank you all.
I feel really confused. I texted him that I would like something physical with him so Im afraid our relationships will change.
Im not inpatient anymore but when I was he was my doc and now he told me to see him everyday and we are talking for an hour. Im afraid he would change his mind. Sometimes it seems I know about him as much as he knows about me. Sure I felt special because I could see him everyday.
I have boyfriend but we were at crisis when I was in hospital and my doc says that my boyfriend is sick and it would be better if I didnt live with him for a mounth. He said he is mad at my boyfriend for hurting me and that I wont get better if I live with him. He knows much about our relationships and I feel guilty because I have bf but I have sexual thoughts about my doc. I dont want to be his gf but his hugs were so tight except today's hug.
Its really confusing relationship.