[granite1]

i was so scared to go to therapy today . my T had been so angry at me for the last few sessions before her holiday break . (see my last post ). i went in and just tried to disappear into the couch,my jacket and back pack. after a long silence she commented on how i seem to be hiding and that i appear terrified . it was so hard because i was terrified . her knowing this made things worse. i just started to cry .that even made things even worse because of when she told me in another session that i was acting like the pathetic abused kid and she was the horrible person . i didnt want to be crying again . i expected her to start in on me again but she didnt . she asked if i could let her know what is going on ? why was i scared . i told her that i know it shouldnt be this way but that my stomach was turning just at the thought of coming to see her . this made me feel so sad and hopeless.there was so much i wanted to say to her . i told her that she has been so angry with me lately that it scares me ,that i dont know what to do . i think she said that she was never angry and i just sighed and reminded her that she told me that she was angry with me and was scolding me . she said that it has been a while and she doesnt remember exactly what was said but she has never been angry at me as a person (what ever that means) .i told her that she said right out that she was angry and that i should feel scolded because she was scolding me .
she then accepted that she had been angry with me and that she might have been wrong but saw me as trying to get around her rules .she said that she figured i was trying to piss her off and that she is only human and it worked . she said she saw me as taking huge steps backwards and sabotaging all the work we have done together . i told her that the things that she said hurt a lot . she said that she was so sorry and that she could have expressed her frustration better without hurting my feelings .she admitted that was inappropriate and not very therapeutic at all . again she said she was human and got angry .she was no longer angry and that i could explore this and see that it was not a big deal and that she is still there.she isnt angry any more and she did not abandon me. i reminded her that she did hurt me . she apologized again .
i was finely able to explain to her that it was hard for me not to see her as the bad mom if she is acting exactly like her . like the things that she was saying to me .i reminded her about her comment when i tried to talk to her about what happened at the craft fair with my aunt . i wanted so badly to just be able to talk to someone about how seeing her and how she ignored me brough up so much about my brothers suicide. but she was having nothing of it . she wanted to continue talking about being paid . i reminded her the conversation was quite short " i see this as your fault ,why would you set yourself up like that etc.." then she brought the conversation back to money . as i was reminding her about this i had such a deep sadness about my brother and again stupidly started to cry . i tried to explain that when she said that all i got from it was that i should not have ever put myself out there. she said that she felt as a kid i was never taught by my parents how to keep myself safe . she said she cares about me and that as my T she felt it was her job to teach me that . i couldnt believe she said she cares about me . i wonder if that is really why she got so angry at me of if this is her trying to make things right again . i felt so bad about her saying she was sorry . i didnt want that from her . i was relieved that i was not just thinking she was mad and that she admitted it but i was not looking for an apology .i can definitely make even the best person ever angry. again she said that she hoped that i could see that even though she was angry and frustrated that she came back and is still there .that it isnt like the mother at all.
it was getting to the end of session but i got to tell her some about my aunt and my brother and how her ignoring me had nothing to do with the card making or the fact that i even cared about her at all . it was how my head got filled with the memories of my brother and has now been there for weeks . she said said she felt she needed to explain how she felt i was putting myself in danger of being hurt . i asked her if she would have felt the same if i had run into her at walmart . for me the feeling would have been the same so should i never go to the walmart near me . it was not about my aunt but the feelings all of it had brought up and how badly i wanted to talk about it . she asked more about my aunt .i was able to tell her some about how she stopped talking to me after my brother died . i so hope in my heart that she meant everything she said . i am feeling calm right now instead of lost .like i have my old t back

[velcro003]

wow granite!!!! i am SO PROUD OF YOU for going in there and telling her how you were hurt, AND kept going at it until she understood.

OMG.

I am so proud of you too dear granite, sending you safe hugs and lots of good healing light.