[mcl6136]

Hi all
I went back to T after huuuuuge meltdown. I felt like the relationship had run aground over how she handled a dilemma I had about my foray into the world of online dating. I felt her willingness to kind of blame me for my confusion and pain, and the weird 'devils advocate' stuff on behalf of the poor white guys in the dating world were major sour notes in an otherwise stellar therapy relationship.

We had a good, serious discussion and I'm glad. I'm so grateful for everyone's support here. T was able to acknowledge where she'd misstepped. And so was I.

The appointment ended well except I was a little surprised that she wanted me to spend time working with 'manifesting' the boyfriend that I want. Taking some notes about what an ideal guy would make me feel like, be like, a kind of 'drawing someone towards me.'

It sounds good but also...gosh, do things really work like that? I mean, they could. I guess I'm going to give it a try...I mean what do I have to lose? Match.com certainly bombed.

Mainly I'm glad things turned out well. My life is much better than it was before therapy.

[here today]

Great news!

I'm not personally a fan of the "manifesting" idea, but it does make some sense to me that focusing on what you like and might possibly find is in some ways a more hopeful outlook. As you said, what have you got to lose?

Congrats on making your way through a very rough patch!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by here today

Great news!

I'm not personally a fan of the "manifesting" idea, but it does make some sense to me that focusing on what you like and might possibly find is in some ways a more hopeful outlook. As you said, what have you got to lose?

Congrats on making your way through a very rough patch!

Thank you!!

[ruh roh]

The way I see that sort of thing is that it's like wanting a certain kind of car and then seeing it everywhere. It's not that thinking about it is making the car pop up everywhere, but that you're attention is honed in on it. The same principle would be at work in visualizing the kind of person you want in your life. It's a little more challenging because people aren't cars and you can't just mentally fixate on a yellow VW bug person. But it does get you on the wavelength of the type of person you want to be around, and that way you're better able to spot them, or spot those qualities. It's like the brain is a marketing tool, similar to facebook, it will find matches for what it thinks you like based on your recent viewing history.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Hi all
I went back to T after huuuuuge meltdown. I felt like the relationship had run aground over how she handled a dilemma I had about my foray into the world of online dating. I felt her willingness to kind of blame me for my confusion and pain, and the weird 'devils advocate' stuff on behalf of the poor white guys in the dating world were major sour notes in an otherwise stellar therapy relationship.

We had a good, serious discussion and I'm glad. I'm so grateful for everyone's support here. T was able to acknowledge where she'd misstepped. And so was I.

The appointment ended well except I was a little surprised that she wanted me to spend time working with 'manifesting' the boyfriend that I want. Taking some notes about what an ideal guy would make me feel like, be like, a kind of 'drawing someone towards me.'

It sounds good but also...gosh, do things really work like that? I mean, they could. I guess I'm going to give it a try...I mean what do I have to lose? Match.com certainly bombed.

Mainly I'm glad things turned out well. My life is much better than it was before therapy.

I believe strongly in the power of manifesting and setting intentions. Many people claim that it has worked for them. That, of course, does not mean that it actually does work but I believe it does... Each to their own though and I know many on here will disagree.

Always it is worth a try and as you say you have nothing to lose by doing it. If you are going to do it though put your whole heart into it and not half do it. Not sure if that makes sense as I'm not very good at explaining what I mean but anyway. Have you ever read the book 'The secret'? Worth a read if you are curious about the law of attraction etc.

[stopdog]

I don't particularly believe in this sort of thing, but I don't see the harm in trying it to see if it helps.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

The way I see that sort of thing is that it's like wanting a certain kind of car and then seeing it everywhere. It's not that thinking about it is making the car pop up everywhere, but that you're attention is honed in on it. The same principle would be at work in visualizing the kind of person you want in your life. It's a little more challenging because people aren't cars and you can't just mentally fixate on a yellow VW bug person. But it does get you on the wavelength of the type of person you want to be around, and that way you're better able to spot them, or spot those qualities. It's like the brain is a marketing tool, similar to facebook, it will find matches for what it thinks you like based on your recent viewing history.

That might be the best explanation of manifestation theory that I have ever seen. It seems logical and not at all "magical". I could buy that. If it were me I would probably also try to maximize the chances of running into the kind of guy I like by figuring out where they might be. For instance I like nerdy intelligent guys, so I might join a gaming group.

[ElectricManatee]

A long time ago I made a list of traits I was looking for in a partner. It made me really think about what I valued and what I didn't care very much about. It was actually more like a grid with "optimal," "good," and "bare minimum" criteria. It was a helpful exercise for me and, like ruh roh said, it honed my attention to look for particular things in people. It was also pretty amusing when I was getting to know my now-spouse and found out that she had her own written list that was not dissimilar from mine!

[growlycat]

Even though I personally detest “power of attraction” nonsense, there is value on focusing on you want vs what you don’t want. I’m so glad t could acknowledge her missteps. I only hope you did not take on even a small amount of blame that is not yours. Ruptures are horrible and it feels good to get back on track.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Even though I personally detest “power of attraction” nonsense, there is value on focusing on you want vs what you don’t want. I’m so glad t could acknowledge her missteps. I only hope you did not take on even a small amount of blame that is not yours. Ruptures are horrible and it feels good to get back on track.

Well to be honest, I did take on some blame. I wish I hadn't in some ways but I also think in the past, I would have been paralyzed with self blame and self loathing in bed about this whole thing and flipping out and acting out, drinking, drugging -- you name it!

And here is another sneaking thought I am having (as long as I'm obsessing): Will this whole manifesting thing now turn into "you're not meeting the kinds of men who might be suitable because you're not manifesting them correctly?" Which is just another way of assessing the situation as "You're not open to this creepy emailer so you must not be able to be in any relationship."

I do worry about that. My family member who died of cancer a few years ago was told (not just once) that he had "attracted his cancer," had "things to work out" and had not "manifested a healthy body." He was a medical doctor and he did not exactly see his metastatic stage 4 cancer as being something that he had manifested for himself. So this kind of thing, like many approaches, needs to be applied in sensible, constructive ways.

I'm going along with this but I'm keeping my wits about me as I do.

[InnerPeace111]

Yes, I think there is a lot to be said about turning our attention to whatever it is we want in life. Absolutely.