Choice

For me choice is irrelevant in the context of the past. But I wonder if what your T is trying to say is that you have the choice to change this in the future?

I have my own version of intimacy issues more than three years after the death of my spouse. My grief is functionally profound (I mean I am functional, and healing, but still toppled by grief). I think it is what is keeping me terrified of even going on a date. That, and the fact that the last time I dated people called each other on their landline phones, not all this clicking and swiping and putting personal information out on the internet for all to see. Could I change this? Absolutely. I could be more open to the idea of dating. I could want things to be different wrt how I feel about dating. But I choose to stay closed. It is a choice. Right now, future relationships are out of the question. Could I change this in the future? Sure.

I might be out of the ball park here, but sometimes when I have felt blamed by others (as I think you have felt by your T now and at other times), it's sometimes about old messages (for me, CSA) where I take their words and fit them into my well polished self blame box. It's that trap door where triggers from old trauma fly in and drop me into that dark place.

Maybe it's my general irreverence, but the real issue for me is not what my T thinks about my life and choices. It's what I think. So I wonder what it might mean to you if you could think about your future as involving a choice.

I totally agree that therapist’s will do or say stuff just to get you “rattled up”. I know for a fact that mine does stuff intentionally. She never admits it when I confront her but I know that’s what she is doing.

I think that maybe it is a combination of things. Firstly my experiences of feeling blamed, (CSA) always feeling like everything was my fault at home and being blamed for everything by parents, abuser and ex partner.
I really think that when t says that she doesn’t mean to blame me or mean that I made those choices but that is how I feel when she says it.
I think also it is an intervention to get me to change something or try something new in my life.

The thing that strikes me is that you use the word impossible, indicating you don't feel it's a choice, so she's directly contradicting you. I would find this invalidating.

Personally I would react much better to a statement like "I understand that intimacy does feel impossible right now, but I do think it's something that could change over time. I believe it's something that can be worked toward." This is saying a similar thing -- you're not as stuck as it feels like, and there are things you can do, and healing and change are possible -- but without the blame or invalidation of your feelings.

How are you doing Monalisasmile?

Employing this concept in my day to day activities has had an amazing effect on me, so I wanted to call this out. I don't know if this is something related to behavioral therapy (so I wouldn't typically identify with it), but I only recently learned the significance of this concept and how to overcome the challenges related to this dichotomy.

Which is also why I was inspired by the philosophy I quoted about doing things that I should be doing--making the best day to day choices. I have CPTSD among other things and always framed therapy as necessarily to solidify my sense of self and to feel better, which I always thought to be the foundation of the will, or motivation, to make the best day to day life choices, which technically leads to long term change.

While we seem to emphasize big choices, I am thinking that maybe more impactful are the small, day to day choices that add up to lead to long-term positive change.

I have been living/practicing a strategy related to this concept and have had great results so far. The key operative is forcing myself to do many small things regardless of how I feel, which seem to cultivate positive effects in other areas, which multiply the positive effect of the initial 'thing'.

Do, then feel, rather than feel then do or not do, has been a big part of my strategy.

My t hasn't commented directly on everything being a choice but she has suggested at times that particular actions or beliefs i hold serve some kind of purpose for me or i wouldn't hold to them. Sometimes that relates to connectedness or lack there of. She doesn't push the idea but it does make me more aware when I'm making choices.