[rainbow8]

If Ts are supposed to act in our best interest, is my T allowing us to
be "heartmates" because it makes me feel securely attached to her? I know she's not doing it just to be nice. She's too much a professional for that. I identified with what Elio wrote in the thread about being replaced.

I sort of have to suspend reality but it's not pretend. I emailed T that I couldn't stand it if this is just another one of my fantasies. Is it real or is she acting therapeutically? Or can it be both? She has been enthusiastic about our relationship being heartmates so it's not fake. But it's a different kind of reality.

The other thing that bothers me is wondering whether this is how I was supposed to feel about others, particularly my mother and my husband. Is T giving me what I missed, what a baby should feel about its mother? It's a warm, contented, safe feeling, like when I used to hold T's hand. I never felt this way about my husband but I imagine some people do feel it for their spouses. Or does the fact that she's my T make me feel better? I feel sad that I never was heartmates with anyone. Maybe with my children but this is more basic. I guess it IS the preverbal connection in which case I answered my own questions. T is participating because it's healing for me but that doesn't negate the closeness of our relationship.

I'll ask her tomorrow. She might say I'm analyzing it too much!

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

If Ts are supposed to act in our best interest, is my T allowing us to
be "heartmates" because it makes me feel securely attached to her? I know she's not doing it just to be nice. She's too much a professional for that. I identified with what Elio wrote in the thread about being replaced.

I sort of have to suspend reality but it's not pretend. I emailed T that I couldn't stand it if this is just another one of my fantasies. Is it real or is she acting therapeutically? Or can it be both? She has been enthusiastic about our relationship being heartmates so it's not fake. But it's a different kind of reality.

The other thing that bothers me is wondering whether this is how I was supposed to feel about others, particularly my mother and my husband. Is T giving me what I missed, what a baby should feel about its mother? It's a warm, contented, safe feeling, like when I used to hold T's hand. I never felt this way about my husband but I imagine some people do feel it for their spouses. Or does the fact that she's my T make me feel better? I feel sad that I never was heartmates with anyone. Maybe with my children but this is more basic. I guess it IS the preverbal connection in which case I answered my own questions. T is participating because it's healing for me but that doesn't negate the closeness of our relationship.

I'll ask her tomorrow. She might say I'm analyzing it too much!

Just because t does something because it is good for us or has a therapeutic reason does not exclude the possibility that they get enjoyment or satisfaction for it too. I think they have to be careful that what they are doing is mostly for our benefit and only secondarily for theirs.

I don’t know if this helps but when I wish I could be real friends with t I realize that I probably would not get the same time commitment and I bet my t would not be as focused.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I don’t know if this helps but when I wish I could be real friends with t I realize that I probably would not get the same time commitment and I bet my t would not be as focused.

My fly in the ointment is that i dont think i could be as good a friend to t outside that room, as he is to me inside that room.

[stopdog]

The one I became friends with after I quit therapy once said that I was a much (she actually said much) better friend than I was client. I never considered any of them as being anything close to a friend, let alone good friend, at an appointment with them.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The one I became friends with after I quit therapy once said that I was a much (she actually said much) better friend than I was client. I never considered any of them as being anything close to a friend, let alone good friend, at an appointment with them.

Thats interesting. I once told a work friend that i thought the, or a, secret to life was in acting, ie stage or movie actor type acting. So i prefer my t's role as a t, but i chastise you for dehumanizing your t, while i am being even more dehumanizing to my t.

[rainbow8]

I'm not talking about the friendship in this thread; it's more about the deep, close feeling that is more than friendship, so I'm thinking it's the early attachment stuff. Also wondering if that just isn't possible in real life, like what Mouse posted in Annie's thread about attachment vs liking a T.

I think if you had the secure attachment. You wouldn't need the "heart mates"

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

I think if you had the secure attachment. You wouldn't need the "heart mates"

That's helping to feel the secure attachment, though. It's inside of my heart!

I've never experienced child-like or "early attachment" to a therapist, or to anyone else in my adult life beyond maybe moments, so I can only try to discern what you and others here on PC talk about. I think it is very subjective what words like that mean to someone and also how each of us like to describe an ideal relationship with a T. For me, the best word is probably "collaborators", because that's what I would theoretically expect in a therapy relationship - a productive, goal-oriented construct, focused on the change I want to achieve in my life, not on merging with the T, although I did experience a sort of twinship with one of them that I liked to analyze. So in this sense, for me it is fundamentally different from friendship and especially romantic partnership. But is is more a wish, an ideal, not so much what I did experience in therapy. With one T it was closer but with the other, nothing like it. I more often used them as distractions from what I actually wanted to be productive.

From your posts, rainbow, it always sounds like your therapy is focused a lot on your feelings for the T and on the emotional aspects of your relationship, so to me the word "heartmates" sounds quite appropriate. I am pretty sure that your T has a lot of tender feelings for you, maybe not the same kinds you have for her and exactly what you wish for in your fantasies, but specific, unique feelings regardless.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

That's helping to feel the secure attachment, though. It's inside of my heart!

Like a transitional object?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I sort of have to suspend reality but it's not pretend. I emailed T that I couldn't stand it if this is just another one of my fantasies. Is it real or is she acting therapeutically? Or can it be both? She has been enthusiastic about our relationship being heartmates so it's not fake. But it's a different kind of reality.

The other thing that bothers me is wondering whether this is how I was supposed to feel about others, particularly my mother and my husband. Is T giving me what I missed, what a baby should feel about its mother? It's a warm, contented, safe feeling, like when I used to hold T's hand. I never felt this way about my husband but I imagine some people do feel it for their spouses. Or does the fact that she's my T make me feel better? I feel sad that I never was heartmates with anyone. Maybe with my children but this is more basic. I guess it IS the preverbal connection in which case I answered my own questions. T is participating because it's healing for me but that doesn't negate the closeness of our relationship.

I think this is why "they" say its the relationship that heals. Emphasis on rship, or emphasis on heals.

[rainbow8]

We talked about it. T said I am getting there but I still don't have a secure relationship with her. She says she likes "heartmates" to describe our relationship and she hopes that I find other relationships in my life where I feel the same way. That yes, you are "supposed" to feel the secure attachment with a spouse. I said I didn't. T said he supported me, mostly financially, but that's important.

T thinks I can find a partner even if my health isn't so great. I don't know.