[DP_2017]

So my online friend who also has a T and I were discussing this topic the other day and I asked my T yesterday, he seemed confused and was rambling nonsense that confused me even more. So... can anyone explain this to me?

We are wondering... if this is the definition of a bond between humans

"Human bonding is the process of development of a close, interpersonal relationship between two or more people. It most commonly takes place between family members or friends,[1] but can also develop among groups, such as sporting teams and whenever people spend time together. Bonding is a mutual, interactive process, and is different from simple liking.

Bonding typically refers to the process of attachment that develops between romantic or platonic partners, close friends, or parents and children. This bond is characterized by emotions such as affection and trust. Any two people who spend time together may form a bond. Male bonding refers to the establishment of relationships between men through shared activities. The term female bonding refers to the formation of close personal relationships between women.[2]"

How is it that for long term clients who feel a bond with their T, that the T feels nothing? Isn't a bond mutual?

Is the client just imagining things or what?

How can the T know the client better than the client know the T but they T feels nothing for the client....and the client feels so much for the T?

How is it that the T is able to detach and go on with no issues with the client not there after the 1 hr or whatever a week but the client can't stop thinking about them?

I feel like this has to be in our heads if the bond isn't mutual. It logically makes no sense to me otherwise.

[ElectricManatee]

I do think therapists feel things for their long-term clients. I know that my T does. But I lean on her (a lot!) and she doesn't lean on me at all. So it makes sense that when I feel upset or stressed or lonely, I think about her, even though she wouldn't think about me in the same situation. She has other people who fill that role for her (partner, friends, her own therapist, etc). She has to have good boundaries for therapy to work and to stay about me and my needs. She can't depend on me. But that doesn't mean that there's isn't real caring feelings between us that are based on our history together and our mutual respect for each other.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I do think therapists feel things for their long-term clients. I know that my T does. But I lean on her (a lot!) and she doesn't lean on me at all. So it makes sense that when I feel upset or stressed or lonely, I think about her, even though she wouldn't think about me in the same situation. She has other people who fill that role for her (partner, friends, her own therapist, etc). She has to have good boundaries for therapy to work and to stay about me and my needs. She can't depend on me. But that doesn't mean that there's isn't real caring feelings between us that are based on our history together and our mutual respect for each other.

Yes, so that's the same with every client they have... so it can't be a real bond then that the client feels as bonds are mutual. That's what is confusing. I mean if I feel a bond with someone and I think, wow, this could be a great friendship, that person would also feel the same or similar if they felt a bond with me....

if they didn't, then it isn't a bond, it's one sided something or other. I guess I'm just confused as my friend and I's T have both used the term bond before.

[ruh roh]

Based on your definition above, I would say it's not a bond, but an attachment that one person (the client) feels toward the other. A bond is shared. And it can be based on any shared experience, including trauma.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Based on your definition above, I would say it's not a bond, but an attachment that one person (the client) feels toward the other. A bond is shared. And it can be based on any shared experience, including trauma.

Good thank you, I think that our T's using that phrase threw us off.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Yes, so that's the same with every client they have... so it can't be a real bond then that the client feels as bonds are mutual. That's what is confusing. I mean if I feel a bond with someone and I think, wow, this could be a great friendship, that person would also feel the same or similar if they felt a bond with me....

if they didn't, then it isn't a bond, it's one sided something or other. I guess I'm just confused as my friend and I's T have both used the term bond before.

Hmmm... I guess I think the word "bond" applies in the sense that both people care about each other, mutually enjoy spending time together, or at least think the time they spend together is important and useful, even if it isn't always pleasant. It's the difference between how you feel about your T and how you feel about my T. My T doesn't matter to you because you don't know her, haven't spent time with her, haven't found things that are relatable or likeable, she hasn't made you laugh, etc. To you, she's just some lady who does therapy somewhere. But to me, she's really special because of our bond.

I think the key, though, is that a healthy therapeutic relationship isn't even close to mutual, the way other adult relationships (like friendships) are. The T can't safely invest emotionally and open up in the same way the client does. By definition, that wouldn't be therapy. So the client is having the experience of being truly heard and understood and cared for, maybe for the first time ever, and the T is not having that same experience at the same time with that person. It's definitely one-sided, and that's why it's intense for the client in a way it isn't for the therapist. But that doesn't mean that the therapist doesn't feel any warm, positive feelings at all.

I also don't think therapists feel the same things to the same degree for all their clients. That's just not how human relationships work.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Hmmm... I guess I think the word "bond" applies in the sense that both people care about each other, mutually enjoy spending time together, or at least think the time they spend together is important and useful, even if it isn't always pleasant. It's the difference between how you feel about your T and how you feel about my T. My T doesn't matter to you because you don't know her, haven't spent time with her, haven't found things that are relatable or likeable, she hasn't made you laugh, etc. To you, she's just some lady who does therapy somewhere. But to me, she's really special because of our bond.

I think the key, though, is that a healthy therapeutic relationship isn't even close to mutual, the way other adult relationships (like friendships) are. The T can't safely invest emotionally and open up in the same way the client does. By definition, that wouldn't be therapy. So the client is having the experience of being truly heard and understood and cared for, maybe for the first time ever, and the T is not having that same experience at the same time with that person. It's definitely one-sided, and that's why it's intense for the client in a way it isn't for the therapist. But that doesn't mean that the therapist doesn't feel any warm, positive feelings at all.

I also don't think therapists feel the same things to the same degree for all their clients. That's just not how human relationships work.

Makes sense although for me, all my relationships feel one sided. I don't invest my emotions etc into anyone but my T. Even my best friend doesn't know ME that well, she knows things about me, that most people know.... I tend to hide myself from people and not allow them in... so I guess maybe that's part of why I'm confused too, I don't really know what mutual feels like, other than with dogs.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Makes sense although for me, all my relationships feel one sided. I don't invest my emotions etc into anyone but my T. Even my best friend doesn't know ME that well, she knows things about me, that most people know.... I tend to hide myself from people and not allow them in... so I guess maybe that's part of why I'm confused too, I don't really know what mutual feels like, other than with dogs.

I can see where your relationship with your T could feel incredibly confusing then, especially since you've said he doesn't have very clear boundaries. I do have friends and a spouse, and I still find the relationship with my T to be a total mindf**k sometimes. I hope the experience of being more open and vulnerable with your T helps you do the same thing in the outside world, though, if that's something you're interested in.

The T does think about them. But not in the way the client does within the earliest sessions.
I once asked T how she can remember things about different clients.
She said "I don't remember everything because I'm human, but when you know a person, you know them"
I understood that on a felt level.
There's no way T doesn't think about me or other clients.
When she sends photos when she's on holiday and always seems to take picture of something that is known between us about is.

I think until you have experience of the relationship after time then these questions, do seem perplexing.

We think the T is on our own emotional level and can only think in our own terms. That it must almost be romantic or it doesn't count.
Adult relationships are not contrived.

And this isn't wishful thinking. Part of psychoanalysis requires the T to sit and digest and think about the work.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

The T does think about them. But not in the way the client does within the earliest sessions.
I once asked T how she can remember things about different clients.
She said "I don't remember everything because I'm human, but when you know a person, you know them"
I understood that on a felt level.
There's no way T doesn't think about me or other clients.
When she sends photos when she's on holiday and always seems to take picture of something that is known between us about is.

I think until you have experience of the relationship after time then these questions, do seem perplexing.

We think the T is on our own emotional level and can only think in our own terms. That it must almost be romantic or it doesn't count.
Adult relationships are not contrived.

Oh I like this answer a lot. I can relate to a lot of this, especially the picture aspect. He does that with me often. It's funny because he has a horrible memory in general but he will remember the most random things I told him months ago. Sometimes things I even forgot I had mentioned. So in that way, this makes sense.

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I can see where your relationship with your T could feel incredibly confusing then, especially since you've said he doesn't have very clear boundaries. I do have friends and a spouse, and I still find the relationship with my T to be a total mindf**k sometimes. I hope the experience of being more open and vulnerable with your T helps you do the same thing in the outside world, though, if that's something you're interested in.

Jury is still on out that LOL.... with being the way I am about avoiding social stuff in general and massive trust issues, even if I wanted to, it's not something I am good at. I'm good at scaring people away but not keeping them around. I feel like I HAVE to make new "Friends" to open up to because that's the only way to not be attached to my T at some point, or he will always be the only person I feel I can tell things to... but at the same time, I get such anxiety just thinking about talking to people about my feelings or frustrations etc. online is easy, I feel detached from people that way... in person is tough, I have to make sure I keep that distant feeling and not get too close. My best friend knows a lot of my issues in a sense, but we mostly text, she lives far away, but when we do meet up once a year in person, we never talk about personal/serious things, its just about having fun and laughing.

I just made a post on another thread that may have some relevant things:
https://forums.psychcentral.com/6009222-post14.html

I am actually always puzzled when people here bring up the idea that a T feels nothing for clients and does not care. Maybe some do not care about their work performance and/or use clients to feed their egos, but no feelings? I can't imagine how that could be and was definitely not my experience. If anything, at least one of my Ts had too many, too intense feelings that took over whatever I had, and my therapy became more about their feelings than mine. With the other one, I did feel a type of mutual bond, which made therapy a pleasant experience, but I did not find it therapeutic per se.

I often compare a Ts work with clients to my own when I supervise people or otherwise collaborate with people in my work. Don't think there was ever a case when I felt nothing for them, and sometimes it has friend-like elements when I especially appreciate someone or we have similarities. Most often it is just not focused on that, but on a more objective, external product. From the perspective of a T, I think the improvement of a client's problems could be that "product", but it is associated with that person. I think what people often refer to is that the feelings of client and T usually have a different quality and focus, but that does not mean feelings do not exist or that they don't care. I also don't think it is the same with every client - that is hard to imagine given how different people are. Maybe the ideal is more to try to treat all clients with their best professional ability, and I think some are better at it than others. They whole thing is just too packed with subjective experienced.

I struggled over the whole attachment/bond thing for a long time. I was constantly on guard about not wanting to get too attached because I was sure she didn't really care, how could she when I am just one hour of many? She would tell stories of times she thought about me during the week or how her husband thoughy a snarky comment I had made about her was hilarious and I maybe felt she cared but it wasn't until she teared up over something I said thay made me realize that she does care, it's not the same way I care about her but she does care and I realized that we are on the same team, we have the same goals where it comes to my mental health and she is there to help me through the struggles. So does that REALLY need a label? Bond, attachment, those are just words.

[SalingerEsme]

There's so much "riddle me this" to the T/ client relationship. The T dismisses the client at fifty minutes, never initiates contact , gets paid, sets the boundaries and the frame, and withholds/ practices abstinence from expressing unfiltered feelings. The client bonds to the T's persona by sharing innermost thoughts etc, but to the T as a person? No. The T-client relationship simulates a bond, but isn't one. (It is a bond in Good Will Hunting). Saying that, I do believe there are bonded pairs( dyads) in therapy and we have a few examples on PC. I have no idea if my T feels a bond with me. Many days it feels like yes and many days it feels like no. That uncertainty though reduces my ability to feel a bind that I trust. It's so complex, and there is lots of mystery.

There's so much beauty and health in reciprocity. There's nothing about the T client relationship that feels like adult love, but yet there is a way it awakens more primal, childlike almost obsessive focus . It confuses me. I know romantic love as an emotional terrain, and I know therapy isn't that. I just don't know what it IS- I know what it's not.

Originally Posted by DP_2017

So my online friend who also has a T and I were discussing this topic the other day and I asked my T yesterday, he seemed confused and was rambling nonsense that confused me even more. So... can anyone explain this to me?

We are wondering... if this is the definition of a bond between humans

"Human bonding is the process of development of a close, interpersonal relationship between two or more people. It most commonly takes place between family members or friends,[1] but can also develop among groups, such as sporting teams and whenever people spend time together. Bonding is a mutual, interactive process, and is different from simple liking.

Bonding typically refers to the process of attachment that develops between romantic or platonic partners, close friends, or parents and children. This bond is characterized by emotions such as affection and trust. Any two people who spend time together may form a bond. Male bonding refers to the establishment of relationships between men through shared activities. The term female bonding refers to the formation of close personal relationships between women.[2]"

How is it that for long term clients who feel a bond with their T, that the T feels nothing? Isn't a bond mutual?

Is the client just imagining things or what?

How can the T know the client better than the client know the T but they T feels nothing for the client....and the client feels so much for the T?

How is it that the T is able to detach and go on with no issues with the client not there after the 1 hr or whatever a week but the client can't stop thinking about them?

I feel like this has to be in our heads if the bond isn't mutual. It logically makes no sense to me otherwise.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

The T dismisses the client at fifty minutes, never initiates contact , gets paid, sets the boundaries

my T is a hr or longer.... but yes 50 is standard for many... he does initiate contact often and well he stinks at boundaries LOL

i did get what you were saying in your post though.

[SalingerEsme]

Yes I think that is so even much more confusing for you. My T is a sticker for rules, although he lets me write one email before session in case I shut down he knows what I think. Other than that he is very structured. Within that he can be playful, witty, intimate , perceptive, dismissive, authoritative, bossy- all kinds of things. He is a lot of fun for me- bright and clever, and so adept at metaphor. However, he never gives ground to making it a special relationship- he has a wife , kids, a big family , and he makes it crystal clear I am work though we might wel-paired l naturally by being the same age, same educational level, same sensibility in books - whatever. He is a very seasoned psychologist, and he doesn't indulge any pretending that this isn't a doctor treating a patient. On the other hand, we do have moments that transcend this, that confuse us both, and that creates a storm of doubts and tears for me, and increased boundaries from him but I don't know what private thoughts. I feel sorry for my Ts wife in many ways, as the intimacy is immense- I doubt just with me though so I wonder how much of his emotional engergy. goes to female patients by 50 minutes splurges. I think he must be strict with boundaries, just because he has this talent for intimacy. Without that, women would spill into his life and how could he have that conventional marriage? He talks about himself sublimating as a way of explaining the boundaries- it makes me kind of cynical. My BF is not a fan of me being in therapy hehe.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Yes I think that is so even much more confusing for you. My T is a sticker for rules, although he lets me write one email before session in case I shut down he knows what I think. Other than that he is very structured. Within that he can be playful, witty, intimate , perceptive, dismissive, authoritative, bossy- all kinds of things. He is a lot of fun for me- bright and clever, and so adept at metaphor. However, he never gives ground to making it a special relationship- he has a wife , kids, a big family , and he makes it crystal clear I am work though we might wel-paired l naturally by being the same age, same educational level, same sensibility in books - whatever. He is a very seasoned psychologist, and he doesn't indulge any pretending that this isn't a doctor treating a patient. On the other hand, we do have moments that transcend this, that confuse us both, and that creates a storm of doubts and tears for me, and increased boundaries from him but I don't know what private thoughts. I feel sorry for my Ts wife in many ways, as the intimacy is immense- I doubt just with me though so I wonder how much of his emotional engergy. goes to female patients by 50 minutes splurges. I think he must be strict with boundaries, just because he has this talent for intimacy. Without that, women would spill into his life and how could he have that conventional marriage? He talks about himself sublimating as a way of explaining the boundaries- it makes me kind of cynical. My BF is not a fan of me being in therapy hehe.

I get this too. I often wonder how my T can invest so much energy and intimacy in their personal lives when he invests so much in his therapy sessions. He is very professional and maintains strict boundaries and no outside contact which I guess helps him to detach and not burn out etc but when he is in the room with me he is in the room with me 100% or at least he makes it feel that way. I mean know most T's must be able to put the needed energy, effort and listening etc into their real outside world relationships. They obviously figure a way to otherwise divorce amongst T's would be rampant!

I've been trying to get my husband to go see a therapist recently. I think it would be good for him. It worries me though the level of intimacy that can be experienced. Lots of times I hate the therapist-client relationships as it's such a mind game but there are times that it makes me immensely happy that for 50 minutes I have my T's (someone I think is a pretty great person in so far as I know of him anyway) undivided, undisturbed attention.

Originally Posted by Thalassophile

I get this too. I often wonder how my T can invest so much energy and intimacy in their personal lives when he invests so much in his therapy sessions. He is very professional and maintains strict boundaries and no outside contact which I guess helps him to detach and not burn out etc but when he is in the room with me he is in the room with me 100% or at least he makes it feel that way. I mean know most T's must be able to put the needed energy, effort and listening etc into their real outside world relationships. They obviously figure a way to otherwise divorce amongst T's would be rampant!

Not sure how Ts experience it, but I often have deep, personal conversations with my supervisees and other colleagues, especially if they seek my opinion and advice. It used to cause me problems: blurred boundaries and even acting out when I was younger, but my experience has changed a lot with the years, age, dealing with so many people etc. The way I do it now is highly compartmentalized and I do not bring my own personal feelings and issues into it other than when I use my stories to highlight something or to raise awareness. It's not even an effort anymore much, just happens automatically. It is a decision and not hard to maintain, but I need to make sure that I do keep my boundaries and do not engage too much outside of what the work and mentoring requires and can benefit from. Of course people have all kinds of fantasies, but it is not real intimacy between two people, more personal imagination and sometimes relating based on similarities. Of course there are coworkers I find quite attractive and engaging, and sometimes I let them know that I like them, but that's about it. I actually don't find such interest and appeal overwhelming and definitely not competitive with my personal relationships, but often I find it quite energizing and rewarding just being with that person and working together, it can be fun and pleasant. It does not really keep me preoccupied with them too much beyond the work hours other than thoughts about the work we do and sometimes thinking about what makes them tick and how we both could benefit from the collaboration. Sometimes I feel a little sad when a particularly good work ends and we move on, but mostly happy and satisfied when it was productive and we both learned.

I imagine that probably many Ts get more personally engaged and affected by clients earlier in their careers, but working for many years and with many people, there is a conditioning process. I doubt that experienced Ts often feel a similar intimacy and pull as clients do in therapy, even with particularly appealing clients.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Not sure how Ts experience it, but I often have deep, personal conversations with my supervisees and other colleagues, especially if they seek my opinion and advice. It used to cause me problems: blurred boundaries and even acting out when I was younger, but my experience has changed a lot with the years, age, dealing with so many people etc. The way I do it now is highly compartmentalized and I do not bring my own personal feelings and issues into it other than when I use my stories to highlight something or to raise awareness. It's not even an effort anymore much, just happens automatically. It is a decision and not hard to maintain, but I need to make sure that I do keep my boundaries and do not engage too much outside of what the work and mentoring requires and can benefit from. Of course people have all kinds of fantasies, but it is not real intimacy between two people, more personal imagination and sometimes relating based on similarities. Of course there are coworkers I find quite attractive and engaging, and sometimes I let them know that I like them, but that's about it. I actually don't find such interest and appeal overwhelming and definitely not competitive with my personal relationships, but often I find it quite energizing and rewarding just being with that person and working together, it can be fun and pleasant. It does not really keep me preoccupied with them too much beyond the work hours other than thoughts about the work we do and sometimes thinking about what makes them tick and how we both could benefit from the collaboration. Sometimes I feel a little sad when a particularly good work ends and we move on, but mostly happy and satisfied when it was productive and we both learned.

I imagine that probably many Ts get more personally engaged and affected by clients earlier in their careers, but working for many years and with many people, there is a conditioning process. I doubt that experienced Ts often feel a similar intimacy and pull as clients do in therapy, even with particularly appealing clients.

Thanks for sharing. Oh yes, they clearly must learn how to compartmentalize and detach otherwise they wouldn't last in the profession. And yes it also isn't ever going to be or feel as intimate to the T as it is to the client. That being said that doesn't mean the conversations at that moment in time in the therapy hour isn't intimate IMO.

Also, I didn't mean I thought that clients compete with other people in T's life at all. Of course, they don't compare. The people T's have in their personal lives obviously get far more of them than any client ever would. What I meant is that I find in real life nowadays it can be difficult to get another person's absolute undivided attention with no distractions (such as phones etc for an hour). The one-sided relationship whereby T's don't reveal much of themselves in the session is as much to protect themselves as it is to protect and help the client. The more a T reveals the more invested and personal it gets for them too. Not self-disclosing too much helps them to remain detached.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by Thalassophile

Also, I didn't mean I thought that clients compete with other people in T's life at all. Of course, they don't compare. The people T's have in their personal lives obviously get far more of them than any client ever would. What I meant is that I find in real life nowadays it can be difficult to get another person's absolute undivided attention with no distractions (such as phones etc for an hour).

My T has made the exact opposite point to me: I get far more of the best parts of her than anybody in her personal life. She can't sit in a quiet room with no interruptions and focus solely on significant people in her personal life the way she can with me at work. I highly doubt she spends two hours a week every week in intense, focused conversations even with her own children. In real life, I bet she is just as distracted and busy as everybody else.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I just made a post on another thread that may have some relevant things:
https://forums.psychcentral.com/6009222-post14.html

I am actually always puzzled when people here bring up the idea that a T feels nothing for clients and does not care. Maybe some do not care about their work performance and/or use clients to feed their egos, but no feelings? I can't imagine how that could be and was definitely not my experience. If anything, at least one of my Ts had too many, too intense feelings that took over whatever I had, and my therapy became more about their feelings than mine. With the other one, I did feel a type of mutual bond, which made therapy a pleasant experience, but I did not find it therapeutic per se.

I often compare a Ts work with clients to my own when I supervise people or otherwise collaborate with people in my work. Don't think there was ever a case when I felt nothing for them, and sometimes it has friend-like elements when I especially appreciate someone or we have similarities. Most often it is just not focused on that, but on a more objective, external product. From the perspective of a T, I think the improvement of a client's problems could be that "product", but it is associated with that person. I think what people often refer to is that the feelings of client and T usually have a different quality and focus, but that does not mean feelings do not exist or that they don't care. I also don't think it is the same with every client - that is hard to imagine given how different people are. Maybe the ideal is more to try to treat all clients with their best professional ability, and I think some are better at it than others. They whole thing is just too packed with subjective experienced.

As I am one of the ones who thinks therapists don't care all that much - I will explain why.
First I truly don't think it matters whether they care or not.
Second I think it being a job they separate from is a good thing - I find rescuers/saviors to be scary beings.

Third - when I teach - even I have students who get crushes on me, who tell me all sorts of personal and horrible things that have happened to them, who come in daily to cry in my office, who write me emails, who have called me while they were drunk or when they got arrested etc - it is not personal - they do not know me other than a Professor role - but I serve a purpose. I care about them in a sort of way I suppose- I usually do not wish them ill - but I also don't usually think about them or their personal problem when I am at home, have no desire to eat lunch with them or get coffee or rescue them or anything more than a general I hope their life gets straightened out sort of thing.They are not part of my personal life. I don't remember most of their names after a semester. I care that they learn what I try to teach them. But if they don't, I don't take it personally. Which is how I see therapists. I doubt many of them wish their clients actual ill, but clients come and go and any one client is just not that big of a deal. So perhaps they care in a detached sort of way but so what? How does that help? For that matter how does it hurt if they do not? IF they are able to appear to be doing something the client finds useful - what difference does it make?

Originally Posted by stopdog

As I am one of the ones who thinks therapists don't care all that much - I will explain why.
First I truly don't think it matters whether they care or not.
Second I think it being a job they separate from is a good thing - I find rescuers/saviors to be scary beings.

Third - when I teach - even I have students who get crushes on me, who tell me all sorts of personal and horrible things that have happened to them, who come in daily to cry in my office, who write me emails, who have called me while they were drunk or when they got arrested etc - it is not personal - they do not know me other than a Professor role - but I serve a purpose. I care about them in a sort of way I suppose- I usually do not wish them ill - but I also don't usually think about them or their personal problem when I am at home, have no desire to eat lunch with them or get coffee or rescue them or anything more than a general I hope their life gets straightened out sort of thing.They are not part of my personal life. I don't remember most of their names after a semester. I care that they learn what I try to teach them. But if they don't, I don't take it personally. Which is how I see therapists. I doubt many of them wish their clients actual ill, but clients come and go and any one client is just not that big of a deal. So perhaps they care in a detached sort of way but so what? How does that help? For that matter how does it hurt if they do not? IF they are able to appear to be doing something the client finds useful - what difference does it make?

Thanks stopdog. You see, what you describe about how you deal with your students is exactly what I mean when I talk about Ts caring about their work, as clients are their work. (I also deal with my own students similarly and experience them seeking me out for all sorts of things.) When I talk about that "caring", what I really mean is professional responsibility and interest in doing an okay job, not emotional engagement. I do want a T to present that sort of caring and when they do (one of mine did), it makes my experience a lot better because I do like when professionals are responsible, then I can also have respect for them. So what I mean is a professional kind of caring about doing the work the job offer, not fulfilling fantasies beyond and outside of the scope of it.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Thanks stopdog. You see, what you describe about how you deal with your students is exactly what I mean when I talk about Ts caring about their work, as clients are their work. (I also deal with my own students similarly and experience them seeking me out for all sorts of things.) When I talk about that "caring", what I really mean is professional responsibility and interest in doing an okay job, not emotional engagement. I do want a T to present that sort of caring and when they do (one of mine did), it makes my experience a lot better because I do like when professionals are responsible, then I can also have respect for them. So what I mean is a professional kind of caring about doing the work the job offer, not fulfilling fantasies beyond and outside of the scope of it.

I would think this often depends on the person. I think some people would be far more able to remain detached completely from the people they deal with whether they be clients or students and it sounds like you and stopdog are at that end. Others may have caring tendencies that they find difficult to switch off completely. I think I'd like my T to be somewhere in the middle which I think he is. He is professional and caring and I do think he cares about me somewhat. I don't think he thinks about me all the time but do think he cares about me as a person as well as cares about me as a client whose job it is to help.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

My T has made the exact opposite point to me: I get far more of the best parts of her than anybody in her personal life. She can't sit in a quiet room with no interruptions and focus solely on significant people in her personal life the way she can with me at work. I highly doubt she spends two hours a week every week in intense, focused conversations even with her own children. In real life, I bet she is just as distracted and busy as everybody else.

That must be nice to hear. I do think like this sometimes but other times doubt myself on this as I think I did in my posts earlier. I guess it depends on the T and their ability to switch off. I do think that we get more undivided attention for an extended period of time than most others would.

My therapist IS bonded to me. She thinks of me throughout the day. she worries about me (about some of the craziest things like how I dont eat enough fruit&#128578. She misses me when we are apart for a long time (we live in different countries.) She tells me looks forward to seeing me. so it is NOT one sided.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

So my online friend who also has a T and I were discussing this topic the other day and I asked my T yesterday, he seemed confused and was rambling nonsense that confused me even more. So... can anyone explain this to me?

We are wondering... if this is the definition of a bond between humans

"Human bonding is the process of development of a close, interpersonal relationship between two or more people. It most commonly takes place between family members or friends,[1] but can also develop among groups, such as sporting teams and whenever people spend time together. Bonding is a mutual, interactive process, and is different from simple liking.

Bonding typically refers to the process of attachment that develops between romantic or platonic partners, close friends, or parents and children. This bond is characterized by emotions such as affection and trust. Any two people who spend time together may form a bond. Male bonding refers to the establishment of relationships between men through shared activities. The term female bonding refers to the formation of close personal relationships between women.[2]"

How is it that for long term clients who feel a bond with their T, that the T feels nothing? Isn't a bond mutual?

Is the client just imagining things or what?

How can the T know the client better than the client know the T but they T feels nothing for the client....and the client feels so much for the T?

How is it that the T is able to detach and go on with no issues with the client not there after the 1 hr or whatever a week but the client can't stop thinking about them?

I feel like this has to be in our heads if the bond isn't mutual. It logically makes no sense to me otherwise.

So I am a personal trainer and I to clients homes. I had and have clients for over 2 years. I know more than a T would know as they spill their secrets to me. I do not have a bond with them. I leave their homes and go about my day not thinking of them unless they text me with questions or until I sit down to program for them. So yes it is feasible for a T not to have a bond with clients.

Of course I care for them. I would feel emotions if something a happened to them.