Can anyone explain this to me?

You are rare for sure ....

I think, a mutual bond can occur between t and client, but, not in a close personal 2-way relationship sort of way. That’s not the design of therapy. For me, I do feel a mutual bond with my t in the like we have for each other has an element of care to it because of the very personal nature of the work.

Based on your questions, I think you are looking into something that extends beyond the basic bond, like an attachment, transference, and/or idealization. It sounds like you are more craving emotional closeness and security to your t, and want that to be reciprocated back to you in the same way. Because it isn’t being reciprocated the way you’d like, you think there is nothing there. But there is. The consumption of this is probably not letting you see the forest for the trees.

Lots of good posts in this thread. Just to echo, I don’t believe that my T feels nothing or that she doesn’t care. She has told me (in response to an oblique question from me) that she does think of me sometimes outside of our sessions, which surprised me. But it took me a long time to finally get to the point where I believed in her care, definitely easier said than done when it comes to internalizing such a thing.

One thing at play here is that ideally, a T has done their own work and is bringing a secure attachment style to the table. They aren’t going to be thinking about us constantly in part because they are (hopefully) not bringing the kind of unresolved trauma to the relationship that a client may be. I think that a T can be attached to a client without being dependent, and that it’s not a bad thing, and that when things work, a client can reach that point eventually as well.

never thought of that, really good point

Since it's a one-sided relationship, I don't see how a bond could exist. Problem with these kinds of thread is that we really should define what "caring" means. In my opinion, stopdog sums it up: I care about them in a sort of way I suppose- I usually do not wish them ill - but I also don't usually think about them or their personal problem when I am at home, have no desire to eat lunch with them or get coffee or rescue them or anything more than a general I hope their life gets straightened out sort of thing. I doubt that this is the kind of "caring" a lot of people here want from their therapist. Imo this is the most realistic view of therapist caring. I wish therapists were more honest (and less needy themselves I guess) about it and would simply admit it to their clients, it would save a lot of them pain and suffering. I also think therapists not being super deeply attached to their clients is a good thing otherwise it becomes creepy and all about the therapist. Distance is good.

What I still don't understand is if there is no bond on both sides, how can we feel a secure attachment to the T? I need to believe I am more than just T's job, and that she means it when she says she cares about me a lot, in order to feel securely attached. If I thought she was faking, how can I trust her? Yet she clearly told me the goal is to have that heartmates feeling with others in my life too. I feel good when she explains it but get unsettled when I read threads about how Ts care, don't care for clients. It puts a shadow of doubt in my mind.

Totally agree with all of this. Very much what I was thinking when I began the thread. Not every client feels a bond with the T, so for those that do, is it in their head or is it real? if it's real, why doesn't the T feel attached or something as well? Thats kind of where I was heading with things.

I struggle so much to try and feel like I'm more than just a job but it's hard.

I don’t see it as black and white. Why can it not be both? I see bonding and not bonding with a therapist as the two end of a spectrum, many people falling somewhere in the middle. But it is more than okay being at the very ends. I know I fall into that category with my former therapist. I’m not ashamed or even embarrassed abou it. It is what it is and I embrace it.