I didn't fail therapy, therapy failed me

Yes, and there’s a rub. What if the therapist is really no more accomplished, in “relationships” than the client? Or perhaps alternatively, what if the therapist’s idea of “relationship”, and the priorities and values in one, is inconsistent with the client’s? Well, OK, I guess that might be a case of a “bad fit”, but how is a client, who knows only their own preferences in relationships, to know or understand that PRIOR TO hiring a therapist? The situation is ripe for exploitation, and rip-off, of the client.

I think Ts usually say that it does not matter who they are in their own life, will keep that out of the therapy and adapt to the client, focus on their needs, etc. I personally think that is an illusion - no one is able to keep their personality out of interactions with others, they can try to fake some, but it will never work well. I really think that my experiences with my two Ts were good examples for this - two so radically different experiences. And I was not the variable, they were! One of them was certainly a bad fit in every possible way I can think of, just a massive personality and values clash. But the other was quite similar to me and we did have a good relationship, very natural and easy to interact, etc. I also had a very good intuition about this match from the beginning, there were strong signs, why I chose him. Still, that relationship did not really help most of the issues I went to therapy for and wanted to improve - maybe because they were not relational issues, just a bunch of bad habits and discipline problems. Well, actually to give it full justice, it did help some to reduce compulsions related to interpersonal interaction and I liked his professionalism, so it reminded me to keep up mine as well. But definitely did nothing to my most severe bad habit. Relationships and learning healthier ways of living with peers that experienced the same problem helped much much more.

I've personally never thought for a second that a therapist, simply by the virtue of being a therapist, would be better at relationships than the average human being. Some of them can pull off a pretty consistent, reliable-looking, professional image, like my 2nd T - but I can do that, too, at my work, if I make the effort. It is not deep by any means.

The one thing I found easily helpful with therapy was its predictable, regular nature - having a structure that forces me into addressing things and making efforts to improve on a schedule. But I can use many other structured, regular activities in this way, including activities with good people, and a lot of them can even be free. I can use everyday relationships in this way and they are much more real and satisfying. So, all-in-all, I still have not really figured out a strong feature of therapy that would be worth it for me and that I cannot get from normal life.