[Hireath]

Hello everyone! I'm Hireath, but you can call me H. I'm a twenty-something young adult, currently in therapy for anxiety and ptsd, among other things. I've seen therapists before, but none of them were very good (one was not empathetic at all, another gaslighted me and made me feel even worse, etc. etc.) and I just started seeing a T again after a year-long break. I've only had a handful of sessions but so far I like it. My new T is very empathetic, always listens and gives me her full attention, and is very validating... but since I've never had a truly good T before, I have a couple questions about what a "normal" therapy session and therapist/client relationship is supposed to be like.

First off: Is there even a baseline for what a normal therapist/client relationship would look like? I'm scared of overstepping boundaries and becoming a burden to T, because so many other people in my life have just dropped me for that very reason.

In addition: what about contact with T between sessions? Is that a given, not at all, or does it depend on the therapist? I asked my T at the end of our session yesterday if I could e-mail her during the week if I was feeling overwhelmed. She said yes, of course, and gave me her work e-mail. I wasn't intending to e-mail her unless things got really bad, but last night I got into an argument with my emotionally abusive/neglectful parents (who I, sadly, cannot escape contact with) and I was told repeatedly that our family's problems were my fault. I was so hurt, and I wrote all my feelings out and just ended up e-mailing it to T to see if she had any advice to offer me. This was last night.

This morning, she responded to me and read things over, and basically said she may have misunderstood the request about emailing. I think she thought it was about getting in touch about appointments. She said that she'd prefer if I didn't e-mail big things like that and keep it for scheduling purposes to protect my privacy and make sure her responses were thoughtful. Is this normal? Did I overstep and do something wrong? I felt so guilty reading her e-mail, all I could think was, "Oh, gosh, I just shouldn't have sent it." Do you all have contact with your T between sessions?? Am I just plain crazy?

[Skeezyks]

Hello H: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I don't have a lot of experience with therapy myself. So I can't really be of a lot of help. But there are many members, here on PC, who do. Hopefully some of them will also reply to your post. Please do, however, also read back through other posts in the Psychotherapy forum. I suspect you'll find answers to a lot of your questions there.

In the meantime... here's a link to an article from PsychCentral's archives by our host, Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D., that may be of some interest. The article also provides links to many other helpful pieces of information on the subject of psychotherapy:

https://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to continue posting. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[maybeblue]

It seems like therapists have very different ideas about what out of session contact is healthy and ok. So I'm not sure that there is a baseline. You didn't do anything wrong. You asked her if you could email her and she said "yes." If she only wanted you to email to schedule or to get in contact with her if you were in a crisis she should have told you then. I can understand you feeling badly about her response, but you didn't do anything wrong.

With one of my therapists I have no out of session contact. I don't have an email or a cell phone number for him. If I need him between sessions I would have to call his office line during business hours. I'd have to be in a real crisis to do that, and so far I haven't been.

My other therapist does allow email. She always responds, but her responses are pretty short. I think that she just prefers to talk things over with me on the phone or in person. I have emailed her when I'm having a major problem/but not an actual crisis and she has given me an extra session. I actually regularly email her before every session...pretty much with an agenda of what I want to talk to her about.

I'm not sure that any set of therapeutic boundaries is necessarily right or wrong, but I do think that the therapist needs to be clear about them and they need to be consistent. I'd definitely bring it up to her in your next session. I think she was unclear about what was OK, and she needs to know that caused you some hurt. In the end I bet you can work it out with her, but she needs to know how you are feeling.

[BudFox]

The therapist is responsible for clearly communicating ground rules up front. The therapist is being paid to manage the relationship, so you should not have to guess about what is appropriate email communication.

Also, more generally, she should be defining and clarifying the nature of the relationship so you don't have to wonder endlessly, as seemingly most clients do... what exactly IS this. Even though it's nearly impossible to define the therapeutic relationship, since it is so unnatural and so poorly conceived, she ought to try.

As for what is normal re: email, or anything else, good luck nailing that down. I've found they are all just making up the rules as they go, they are accountable to nobody, there is no consistency, and little logical basis for anything. They prefer to keep things as vague as possible, avoid pointed questions, and gaslighting is fundamental to the process. These are generalizations of course, but they are well-founded.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Hireath

Hello everyone! I'm Hireath, but you can call me H. I'm a twenty-something young adult, currently in therapy for anxiety and ptsd, among other things. I've seen therapists before, but none of them were very good (one was not empathetic at all, another gaslighted me and made me feel even worse, etc. etc.) and I just started seeing a T again after a year-long break. I've only had a handful of sessions but so far I like it. My new T is very empathetic, always listens and gives me her full attention, and is very validating... but since I've never had a truly good T before, I have a couple questions about what a "normal" therapy session and therapist/client relationship is supposed to be like.

First off: Is there even a baseline for what a normal therapist/client relationship would look like? I'm scared of overstepping boundaries and becoming a burden to T, because so many other people in my life have just dropped me for that very reason.

In addition: what about contact with T between sessions? Is that a given, not at all, or does it depend on the therapist? I asked my T at the end of our session yesterday if I could e-mail her during the week if I was feeling overwhelmed. She said yes, of course, and gave me her work e-mail. I wasn't intending to e-mail her unless things got really bad, but last night I got into an argument with my emotionally abusive/neglectful parents (who I, sadly, cannot escape contact with) and I was told repeatedly that our family's problems were my fault. I was so hurt, and I wrote all my feelings out and just ended up e-mailing it to T to see if she had any advice to offer me. This was last night.

This morning, she responded to me and read things over, and basically said she may have misunderstood the request about emailing. I think she thought it was about getting in touch about appointments. She said that she'd prefer if I didn't e-mail big things like that and keep it for scheduling purposes to protect my privacy and make sure her responses were thoughtful. Is this normal? Did I overstep and do something wrong? I felt so guilty reading her e-mail, all I could think was, "Oh, gosh, I just shouldn't have sent it." Do you all have contact with your T between sessions?? Am I just plain crazy?

You didn't do anything wrong. She just hadn't clarified with you what you meant about emailing. Some therapists allow for between session contact, some don't, and some have clear guidelines around it. It's part of what needs to be clarified, as it not only varies between therapists, but may vary by client rather than an across the board policy, which is a good thing because therapy should be specific to the individual.

So no, you did not overstep. Your therapist assumed the question meant something else. I would try to let it go and not worry about it. If you do need between session support, though, that would be something to ask a potential therapist.

[mostlylurking]

I have emailed my T very personal things on multiple occasions, that's not unusual with a lot of T's. Your T may have privacy concerns or may prefer phone calls, who knows, but you didn't do anything wrong, your T was unclear.

I can understand why it was upsetting. It seems to be pretty common for clients to worry about being "too much," so it's a hurtful thing if a T has to pull back on some kind of contact. It aggravates that worry that a lot of clients have. But it's actually up to her to manage things with all her clients so that they don't ever become "too much" for her, on the whole. It's not for you to have to worry about, it's for her to manage as part of her job.

[healinginprogress]

I don't think there's a baseline therapeutic relationship. Each therapist is different, each client is different, and each relationship is different. So it may take some time to find out what works for you and your therapy. It takes communication and talking things out.

In terms of out of session contact, again that's going to be depend on your therapist. Mine allows me to e-mail me, but she generally won't respond. She also made sure that I understood that e-mail isn't secure and that she can't guarantee my privacy when I send her things or when she does reply.

It sounds like you had some minor miscommunication. You didn't make a mistake or overstep any boundaries. If you can let it go, great. If you want to talk about it with your therapist, that's great, too!

Good luck on your journey!

[AnnaBegins]

I've had different therapists in the past and they all had different policies about out of session contact. Depending on your needs, you may want to bring that up as a question in the first session with any new t you are thinking about seeing. That way, you know up front if they are willing to provide you with the support you want and you don't find out later on when you're more emotionally invested in the relationship.

Only risk is, sometimes they tell you that out of session contact is ok and then at some point in the relationship they change their mind and tell you that they don't feel like doing that anymore or don't want to do that anymore or that it was wrong of them to do it in the first place. That has the potential to really really hurt.

[DP_2017]

Each T has different boundaries for outside contact, you just have to be direct and ask her. My T allows it often but I set my own boundaries, because like you, I fear becoming too much, so I rarely contact him

My advice though, since you are new, be very careful not to become too attached, it is absolutely the worst feeling ever, you feel so trapped to leave too

Best of luck with your therapy journey. Hope it helps you

[wheeler]

Welcome to PC! I don’t post very often, but I have learned so much from this group of wonderful people.
As in any group, everyone will have different opinions on issues. But the one fairly constant advice I hear is ‘talk to your therapist about any any concerns, questions, or issues you may have’. Only you and your therapist will know all the nuances about your situation, and only you can decide what is best.