[vander512]

I definitely have some strong attachment to my therapist. For someone who is usually very avoidant this can make my head spin. For example, I never drank carbonated water before. Sometimes in session my therapist will drink Topo Chico. Now I have started to buy cases of it when I go grocery shopping.

I find myself frequently thinking about our upcoming sessions. She has a website that I frequently visit just so I can see her picture in between sessions. The other day my curiosity got the best of me and I did an Intelius search. (I know bad idea!)

I found that she lives in a luxury apartment complex close to downtown. This started to upset me. I don't know why. I guess I feel like I struggle to afford therapy. For what I pay out of pocket each month I could enrich my life, instead of living under such austere conditions.

She is a very good therapist and has helped me a lot. I don't know why I have these jealous feelings. I just feel like I am struggling with depression and others are having the time of their live.

Any other thoughts?

[RaineD]

I also know where my therapist lives. I didn't specifically look for that information, but a Google search turned up property records. He also lives somewhere I could never afford. I don't feel jealous, but I do sometimes feel like a creepy stalker for knowing his address, especially since I sometimes go to his neighborhood with friends and often hope to run into him. :/

One time when he was out of town for weeks, I emailed him to reschedule our next appointment. He didn't respond for days, and when I sent him a second, passive-aggressive email, his explanation was that he had been on a cruise with no email access. I didn't really feel jealous, but it sure as hell didn't make me feel better.

[SoConfused623]

I can relate to your post in that I Google my T all of the time trying to find out more about her. I also understand you wanting to drink the same beverage and be like her because I do the same things. I found out my T's favorite color from a social media post and now I wear it just about every session and I wonder if she has noticed! She doesn't know that I know her favorite color, lol

I also always hope to run into my T and today almost went out of my way to do so but my alibi would have sounded weird if I had to actually tell her why I was in her neighborhood. I'm not really jealous of my T, just curious and want to now everything, so I totally get it.

[captgut]

I can totally relate. I don't know where he lives, but I tried to google it. I never watched star wars before, but T said he's a huge fan, and it made me start watching. I've watched only 2 films though. He said he likes TBBT, and I started watching it. He told me about his favorite author, and I read a lot of her books. He told me about his favorite band, and I start listening to it. And so on...

I don't usually visit his page, but I have his picture on my phone and sometimes I look at it to calm down

Sometimes I wish I knew even more about him. Like his favorite color... Or his favorite meal... Or even his son's name.

Of course I do feel jealous and envy - I envy his friends, coworkers and family...

I think the "I'm miserable while my T's life is perfect" feeling is very common. If you think this "idealizing" is bad for your therapy, you should tell her. But your feelings are absolutely normal!

[Miswimmy1]

I didn't have this tendency in regards to a T but I did have this tendency with a teacher that I had at one point in time. I found that my tastes were every-morphing to be more similar to hers (she painted her nails all the time and then I found myself buying bottles of colored nail polish that I never would have considered wearing myself). Stuff like that. It was very confusing. I think for me, it was rooted in this deep admiration I had for her. I wanted to be like her and that desire sort of came out as copying her style. I never felt jealous of her though.

However, I can see how it would be easy to feel angry looking at your therapist's life. For that reason, I try not to snoop too much on my therapist. Because I know that it would be so easy to contrast my life to what I perceive to be theirs. In many ways, I feel like my T and I are in complete opposite roles (I'm the one with problems and they are the one who has their life supposedly together) and it would feel very easy to make a side by side comparison of our lives if I knew more details about my therapist's life. I guess my best advice would be to try to remind yourself that you don't know everything about your T's life, and what you find on the internet is only part of their story. For instance, you don't know what they had to go through earlier in life or whether they had to work two jobs while trying to save up for that expensive place downtown. Even though it might appear that they are having the "time of their life", everyone has their own thing that they are going through and struggling with, even though it might not be evident.

[fille_folle]

I have been Google-stalking my therapists a lot these past few weeks. It feels out of control. However, I don't feel jealous of them - perhaps of their family members, but not like what you describe. I'm very thankful for the care that has been shown me, so I feel like they deserve wonderful lives. I certainly don't feel like they're overpaid, or have some sort of expectation that they should give away their services just because I don't have much myself. I mean, they trained for this career, and I respect their time and expertise. I work in IT, and I wouldn't appreciate it if a customer told me I should work for free just because he was poor. I might feel resentful if they were like some therapists and only accepted self-pay, because that severely limits access. However, they aren't, and my longtime T even saw me pro bono and then at a reduced rate for the majority of our 12 years together. So I feel lucky and thankful, not jealous.

[runlola72]

I understand this. My T's family has a family tree online and when I first started seeing him I was obsessed with learning about him and his family. I really can't explain why. The healthcare provider in me wanted to politely explain to him that his entire family tree with kids names and birthdates and ex-spouse info were up for the world to see, and that he should really consider making the page private to protect them from crazy clients. But I never said anything because I am afraid he would think of me as a crazy client lol. In my desperation to know more, however, I looked up his adult kids on fb and stumbled across a gorgeous pic of T playing with his children when they were little. It brought me to my knees. I can't tell you how much I sobbed over this particular picture of them. I even wrote a poem about how FB brings out the green monster in me especially when I see fathers with their little ones. I have since taken FB off my phone, an almost never go on it on my laptop. It has been a very healthy thing for me.
Two years in, and I am mostly over looking up T online. But from time to time I learn something new and it most definitely hurts like hell.

[Lrad123]

Not sure if it’s ok to resurrect this old post but I’m trying to figure out what to do about the guilt that I’m feeling about googling my therapist and I happened upon this post. It seems that many of us google our therapists and most don’t tell them about it. Initially I didn’t feel guilty but all of a sudden I feel tremendous guilt about the random list of things that I’ve found out about him. He’s private and does not disclose much do it really feels like I’m going behind his back to get this info and I’m not sure why I do it. I don’t think I’m jealous as others have mentioned. At first I think I was looking for red flags, then it became about control (maybe trying to get some control over the obvious power differential?) and then about trying to find connection, but I just feel awful afterwards.

I’m not sure anyone will see this since it’s an old post, but I’m wondering if anyone thinks it’s ever a good idea to confess? I’m really not dying to talk about it, but at the same time I’d like to get it off my chest. I think I’d feel really ashamed to admit it to him, but am also concerned that I’m going to be distracted by this if I don’t talk about it. Has anyone confessed to their T?

[DP_2017]

I've done it, and my T knows. He will even joke with me now 'you can google it' and I don't feel guilt etc

Now I've never looked at his address or anything, but he has willingly told me where he lives, probably because it's an area I wont drive in anyway so he wont worry about it...but I've looked at his Facebook and he knows it and is ok with it. He says the parts people can't see are private so no worries.

I have pictures of him but that's because he has allowed me to take them. I found it easy to be honest about this from the start, day 1, I was like "hey so I looked you up before I got here" and ever since then, I just make offhanded comments now and then

He has allowed me to ask him anything in session and he will answer it, it has also helped me in that I don't feel the need to sneak info now. I just ask the source.

As for the doing things like them, such as buying water.... well no. If I don't like something I am not gonna spend money on it, however I will look up songs or shows etc he mentions liking.

I am not sure how most T's would react to this though... I am lucky with mine, many would be uncomfortable I assume.

I guess maybe just tell them you had googled them out of curiosity and leave it at that, don't say things like "I know your address" or whatever..... just remember if its public info, you are probably NOT the only person to look it up. Curiosity is normal, stalking is not, just make sure you keep the fine line between them and I would say you are perfectly ok with doing this.

[Lrad123]

Ugh. Mine is definitely stalking behavior, but I’m not like that at all in real life so it’s freaking me out because it’s taken on a like of its own. His FB Page is locked down, but my inner FBI agent has managed to find all sorts of info through looking at his family’s social media, etc. I’ve found pics of him this way as well as his father’s obituary and his daughter’s baby registry. I even know what kind of car he drives. Feeling like a big old creep.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Ugh. Mine is definitely stalking behavior, but I’m not like that at all in real life so it’s freaking me out because it’s taken on a like of its own. His FB Page is locked down, but my inner FBI agent has managed to find all sorts of info through looking at his family’s social media, etc. I’ve found pics of him this way as well as his father’s obituary and his daughter’s baby registry. I even know what kind of car he drives. Feeling like a big old creep.

I can see why you would, that would make me feel similar. I would for sure not tell him all of that.

Is there any way you can try to quit this habit? Maybe when you feel the urge to do it, have something else to do instead? It's hard I know but it might help you. I'm sorry I'm not much better with help or advice. Just for sure don't tell him all of that.

[SalingerEsme]

[QUOTE=Lrad123;6033010 I’m really not dying to talk about it, but at the same time I’d like to get it off my chest. I think I’d feel really ashamed to admit it to him, but am also concerned that I’m going to be distracted by this if I don’t talk about it. Has anyone confessed to their T?[/QUOTE]

I really do not think you should confess this, at least not framed this way. ( NO "S" word). Just like T's have a right to withhold thoughts, so do you. T's are human, as they like to say, and you cant unsay it once it is said.

After writing this, I also realize that is a strong view and most likely wrong. It;'s just my opinion.

[toomanycats]

FWIW, I have internet sleuthed the crud out of my therapist, and I neither consider it stalking nor apologize or feel guilty for it.

I put my most vulnerable self in this man's hands, and I am sure as heck going to do everything in my power to know as much as I can about him.

He knows about this because I made it clear up front both that I am a really...really adept internet sleuther and that I had thoroughly looked into him online.

I make no apology.
Had I listened to my gut after what I found out about exT by searching him online, I would've saved myself a lot of pain.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I really do not think you should confess this, at least not framed this way. ( NO "S" word). Just like T's have a right to withhold thoughts, so do you. T's are human, as they like to say, and you cant unsay it once it is said.

After writing this, I also realize that is a strong view and most likely wrong. It;'s just my opinion.

Yes but I thought the whole dynamic was that they get to withhold information for obvious reasons, and we are ideally not supposed to. I mean, that’s what we pay them for, right? This is what I’m confused about. I realize it’s not good, so maybe I shouldn’t tell him, but on the other hand maybe if I tell him, then things will be better. It seems like I never really know what’s going on in the therapy relationship and I don’t have a good sense of how to view this situation.

And don’t worry, I won’t use the “S” word. In fact, if I confess, I plan to leave out details altogether. He’s been unflappable in the past, so I assume he’ll respond well, but I’m not exactly sure and that scares me.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Yes but I thought the whole dynamic was that they get to withhold information for obvious reasons, and we are ideally not supposed to. I mean, that’s what we pay them for, right? This is what I’m confused about. I realize it’s not good, so maybe I shouldn’t tell him, but on the other hand maybe if I tell him, then things will be better. It seems like I never really know what’s going on in the therapy relationship and I don’t have a good sense of how to view this situation.

And don’t worry, I won’t use the “S” word. In fact, if I confess, I plan to leave out details altogether. He’s been unflappable in the past, so I assume he’ll respond well, but I’m not exactly sure and that scares me.

it is hard, sadly one thing ive learned in therapy is, you can realistically tell them anything but many things come with risk. I've done it myself, i nearly ruined everything over some dumb things I've said. thankfully we are ok now but i constantly have to ask myself now "is this worth risking to tell him"

[Elio]

I have not shared with my T that I have searched or what information I have found. At this point in time, I do not plan to tell her at all. As far as me feeling guilty, sometimes yes and sometimes no. As far as feeling creepy/stalker - yep most the time, and this can be with other people than just T.

I have been very clear with her that I can be very obsessive. I'm not sure she believes me to the extent that I can be. From my searches, I do know where my T lives. I purposely make sure I have a solid reason to be in that neighborhood before I go there.

[rainbow8]

I am one who told my T that I drove past her house ( two different houses, in fact, when I found out she moved) and that I looked up her and her family on Facebook. She didn't like that I drove past her house (she felt that was intrusive) but she asked what I found when I googled her. She was matter of fact about it.

I just can't hide it from her. I'm not good at keeping secrets. I finally understood that it's okay to Google her but she asked why I have to tell her. I hadn't looked her up for a long time but last week I did. I absolutely wasn't going to say anything because I didn't feel guilty anymore. I just want to work on my pattern of feeling terrible when people don't tell me things.

Somehow, at the end of my session, only because she thought I was talking about a different incident, I told her what I found. She specifically asked me. I was conflicted because I was managing fine until then.

So, for me it seems I have to tell my T. She doesn't get angry, just curious.

I have a few threads about my need to find out things about my T and to tell her, if you want to check. Most people say "don't tell" but I do. If you're feeling terribly guilty, then I think it's better to discuss it with your T.

[TeaVicar?]

He doesn't disclose any personal information and I feel an unbearable need to know more about him. Perhaps simply to dispel the fantasies I have about who he is. I find it incredibly painful that I can't know him better, and apparently will never know him better.

The first time I did some extensive googling, I felt very guilty but only because I thought he would be angry. He wasn't at all, or at least, didn't express it to me.

The other times, I have gone beyond what I think is ok, in terms of internet searching. It became an obsession. I decided not to tell him as I can't think what good it would bring into my therapy. I also don't feel guilty. Sometimes I feel angry with him but mainly I just feel lonely and sad.

[Lrad123]

Ok sheesh. Well I guess the consensus from the group is that it’s ok NOT to confess. Maybe I was overthinking things. I don’t want to cause drama if I don’t need to.

[DP_2017]

Well, you can always ask your T something like "Have clients ever googled you before? How did you feel about it?"

OR

"Would you be weirded out if I googled you a bit online?"

the answers to that might help you decide, it's hard to say because every T handles it different

[mostlylurking]

There is research about how important reciprocity is for all social mammals, even rats. When we give something we expect to get something similar in return. There is further research that suggests that for humans, information is among the resources that we expect to be exchanged reciprocally. People actually study the origins and purposes of gossip-- it's a way of reassuring one another that you mutually share information, i.e. that you have a fair exchange of resources (info) with this friend of yours. Wanting symmetry in our relationships and fairness and equality between us is hard-wired into the human brain.

So, now imagine a scenario where one person divulges everything and the other, almost nothing. There are reasons why this is helpful to the therapy process, sure, but it is pretty much designed to drive many of us nuts. It is totally unnatural. I think it breeds (for some of us) a strong desire to learn everything we can about the T to correct this imbalance. If we know things about them that they don't know we know, that can sometimes feel even better. It feels like correcting not only an information imbalance (unfair exchange of resources) but a power imbalance (lack of equality), and because we're human that often feels right and just.

And then, lucky us, we get to feel guilty about it, even though we're the ones suffering from the short end of the stick that caused us to google-stalk them in the first place.

When I confessed my snooping to my T his eyebrows flickered in an angry way at the point when I said I'd found out his parents had gotten divorced when he was young. Mostly I felt horribly admonished by that split-second angry expression, but there is a part of me that wants to yell "Are you f***ing kidding me? You know every single awful thing that happened to me and you're mad that I know your parents got divorced? Seriously?"

This is, for me, compounded by the fact that he teaches MSW students who are intending to become therapists, and on one of his homework assignments to them, he said something like "While I realize you might not want to share personal information, this is, after all, what you will be asking your clients to do in every session." Oh, yes? So it's okay for all his clients and all his students to divulge personal information but his info is sacred?

Oh my. I didn't even know I was mad about this!

[stopdog]

From my perspective - as long as you are not trailing the therapist's children, using a telescope to watch the therapist undress (shudder) or hiring a private detective to break into their house - just go on with your life and don't worry about it. If it is on the internet or public information - it is just not a big deal.

[maybeblue]

I agree with others that stuff on the internet is public information. I googled mine before the first session and found out he didn't have any ethical violations, but I'm not going to do it anymore.

The reason I don't do it is not that I feel particularly guilty about it. Rather I'm afraid I'm going to find out something I really don't like and it might affect our relationship. For example, I have very strong political views, and if I found out that his were completely opposite mine it would likely cause a rupture. I know myself. I'd be paying money to try to convince him that he was wrong.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Ok sheesh. Well I guess the consensus from the group is that it’s ok NOT to confess. Maybe I was overthinking things. I don’t want to cause drama if I don’t need to.

Sorry, I'm seeing this late but also do not advise telling your T. I had a T that I refer to as "Blank Slate T" and I googled her extensively and then felt guilty and told her which was a HUGE mistake. She was really mad and hurt that I did it and things were never the same afterwards.

I do like what someone else mentioned about feeling out your T to see what their thoughts are in general.

Good Luck!

It is so unfortunate about the negative labels used on this forum when googling one's therapist. Until that discussion changes I do not think that many people struggling with wanting to know more about the therapist will ever get to a place of feeling it's okay what they have done, or are doing.