[LonesomeTonight]

Just wondering...how much does everyone chat with their T in session? By "chat," I mean non-therapy stuff. Like, talking about current events, TV shows, sports, pets, etc. If you do chat about stuff like that, do you think it's important to your therapeutic relationship? Like does it help build the connection? Or is it just a waste of time and you try to avoid it? Or somewhere in between?

[Deejay14]

A little, little bit can help me get started. Like not more than 2 minutes.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'll go first. So lately, I've noticed that individual T and I seem to be chatting more. I've been seeing him about 6 months, lately twice a week. In the beginning, it was pretty much strictly therapy stuff. Today, for example (in a 60-minute session), we spent a few minutes each talking about the March Madness college basketball bracket (I initiated that conversation) and how therapists and cops are portrayed on TV shows. I feel like it helps build rapport. And we end up going back to the main therapy topic (he'll apologize for getting off-topic, and I'll say it was just as much me, for example, or I'll just be like, "So as I was saying about X...") So I don't think it detracts too much from the actual therapy. Today, for example, there was a lot of good work done.

It's also not really self-disclosure kind of stuff from T (not like my marriage counselor sharing stories about his kids, other relatives, friends, etc.). Which brings its own sort of issues. (T doesn't talk about his elementary-school aged son at all.) But...is this a common thing? And at what point do things become too familiar/relaxed/friend-like?

Edited to add: Or perhaps I'll go second

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Just wondering...how much does everyone chat with their T in session? By "chat," I mean non-therapy stuff. Like, talking about current events, TV shows, sports, pets, etc. If you do chat about stuff like that, do you think it's important to your therapeutic relationship? Like does it help build the connection? Or is it just a waste of time and you try to avoid it? Or somewhere in between?

Interesting question, LT. Most of our chats could be considered therapeutic because I have a desire to tell T about my grandchildren and show her photos. When we talk about art it's also therapeutic. I don't have time just to chat and my T apparently doesn't think it's necessary. We have a good relationship already so it would probably be wasting time.

[DP_2017]

More than half the time

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I'll go first. So lately, I've noticed that individual T and I seem to be chatting more. I've been seeing him about 6 months, lately twice a week. In the beginning, it was pretty much strictly therapy stuff. Today, for example (in a 60-minute session), we spent a few minutes each talking about the March Madness college basketball bracket (I initiated that conversation) and how therapists and cops are portrayed on TV shows. I feel like it helps build rapport. And we end up going back to the main therapy topic (he'll apologize for getting off-topic, and I'll say it was just as much me, for example, or I'll just be like, "So as I was saying about X...") So I don't think it detracts too much from the actual therapy. Today, for example, there was a lot of good work done.

It's also not really self-disclosure kind of stuff from T (not like my marriage counselor sharing stories about his kids, other relatives, friends, etc.). Which brings its own sort of issues. (T doesn't talk about his elementary-school aged son at all.) But...is this a common thing? And at what point do things become too familiar/relaxed/friend-like?

Edited to add: Or perhaps I'll go second

When we talk about painting a little bit, I feel funny because I want to know about HER paintings. I've seen them and there's one hanging in the office too. I think it's nice that you can chat with T like that. I don't think your T is going to make it be friend-like, but you're like me so I think YOU may read more into it and dwell on the possible friendship aspect. I'm not saying you will, but it seems to be another manifestation of the attachment issue. I'm not criticizing, just pointing it out because that's how my mind would work.

[maybeblue]

As little as I can get away with. I hate small talk. "Hi, how are you? I am fine. Yes it's cold out. Now let's talk about whatever I came to therapy for. The clock is ticking."

[stopdog]

I did not chat with either of them. I have real people to chat with and the therapist does not get that part of me. The woman tried to chat at the beginning but I cut it off. IF the woman had wanted to build a connection with me and if she would have explained the purpose for such, I might have allowed it. But without that, I was not just going to do it. I never did get a reasonable explanation for why I would want to connect with one of those guys.

[DP_2017]

To answer the other piece. Very friend like it messes with my head and causes me alot of emotions but im also addicted so i keep doing it

[wheeler]

It depends. I would say not too often. We hardly ever start off the session with nothing more than the basic ‘how are you’ . After that it’s up to me to start. Occasionally ‘real’ life comes in to play and she is fairly forthcoming. But for the
Most part I would stick with not too often.

[toomanycats]

Usually about 10 minutes of chat. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

As little as I can get away with. I hate small talk. "Hi, how are you? I am fine. Yes it's cold out. Now let's talk about whatever I came to therapy for. The clock is ticking."

this is me, but also me never knowing how to start, so she usually chats about something, but it is only ever for a few minutes.

my T is pretty forthcoming with self-disclosure, but she also never talks about her children very much, but that also is probably because i am not a parent. maybe it would be different if i was.

[ElectricManatee]

We don't really engage in small talk at all (the weather, etc) because I hate it. Very occasionally at the beginning of session she or I might follow up on something fairly inconsequential from earlier (how did X event go?), although usually we jump right into whatever I want to talk about.

But sometimes in the middle of session I get distracted by exploring some idea or by wanting to know what my T thinks about something somewhat tangential to what I'm talking about. That could go on indefinitely, so usually one of us brings it back to the topic at hand. I find those conversations interesting and emotionally satisfying, so I don't think they're a problem.

I have never really worried about things being too friend-like. Not sure why. I guess the fairly clear boundaries help. Plus I'm much more interested in getting good therapy stuff from my T rather than friends-type connection because I can get that from other places. Therapy time is already so limited!

At this point in my therapy I do more chatting than what others would call therapy. I believe chatting is therapy. I get to practice everyday conversation learning how to not sensor my speech because of fear, embarrassment or shame. It has helped everyday relationships.

When I was doing attachment type therapy we would go for an hour or more discussing heavy stuff and I would be battle wounded. My therapist let me know that it was okay to not use all the session excising the roots. She could hold me, we could chit chat, she could read to me, or I could leave if I wanted. I never used the option to leave early.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Just wondering...how much does everyone chat with their T in session? By "chat," I mean non-therapy stuff. Like, talking about current events, TV shows, sports, pets, etc. If you do chat about stuff like that, do you think it's important to your therapeutic relationship? Like does it help build the connection? Or is it just a waste of time and you try to avoid it? Or somewhere in between?

Some, but not all the time. I don't think it has any bearing on the therapeutic relationship because the relationship is a job to her, so talking about the news or a tv show is like talking to anyone else who is paid to listen to me.

[granite1]

my T would just say something like "so are we going to do the small talk thing now ?"

[ScarletPimpernel]

We almost never chitchat. Maybe a little walking to her office, but that's it.

[unaluna]

We do some. I mean, i live in the world. So maybe as stuff relates to or impinges on me? Like today the test emergency sirens went off at the beginning of session. So there were tillerson and hawaii comments.

[nottrustin]

We usually do a little at the beginning and end of each session. Primarily it helps me to get connected and settled down so we can get started. At the end it helps me go get emotions under control and me out of therapy mode.

[JaneTennison1]

Usually at the end, it helps me come back to the present so just last 2 mins will be a little bit of nothing, other than hardly at all really.

[MobiusPsyche]

I don't really chat with my T very often. Just occasionally for a couple of minutes.

[JaneTennison1]

I should add that I don't think chatting is bad, it certainly can help calm me, I just know I can small talk for hours and totally avoid the point so I try not to do that.

[mostlylurking]

Not really at all. I always come in feeling I have too much to say for the allotted time, as it is.

[AllHeart]

Very little chat initially, then none. Because of my former psycho therapist experience, I couldn't handle it. I def think it helps build rapport though. Last week, we did chat a little about a couple of things. It revealed a bit as to who she is as a person. And I not only didn't freak out about it, I actually appreciated it. Woot!

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

my T would just say something like "so are we going to do the small talk thing now ?"

urrghhhh. how are things going with your T, granite?

Originally Posted by nottrustin

We usually do a little at the beginning and end of each session. Primarily it helps me to get connected and settled down so we can get started. At the end it helps me go get emotions under control and me out of therapy mode.

Yeah, I think that is what my T tries to do as well.