[Mouse_]

I emailed T 3 times yesterday. I was lost in a time warp and beating myself up pretty bad. I sent a link that I had read about narcissim to T and told her she should have told me that I dont just make mistakes, that I am a full blown narcissist.

T replied and said she didn't necesaryly agree with the article and besides it doesn't tell the whole picture of who I am and its too harsh.

I went to session this afternoon and we talked and I looked at T more times then I've ever done, and I knew I was being myself and real because my arms were just slumped by my side instead of firmly crossed.

Toward the end I said that I keep wanting more and she is just a T. She then gave me the same ole, but this is real speech, and I said, yeah I know and I know you say that to all your clients.

She asked me to go on and I said I can't, I just haven't got the words to express what I mean and told her how I feel theres a brick wall and I've tried to get through all different ways, but just can't break through.

WIth this she said, do you remember our very first phone call? When I asked you to come along to see if we could work together? She said, that wasn't just for you, that was for me also.

I said, what you've actually turned someone away before? She replied, well I certainly have suggested before that someone would be better finding someone else.

She said I grant you in the beginning like all relationships, they have to grow and yes it proberbly was a client/therapy contract, but with time it changes and you asked me before if I liked you and I certainly couldn't work with someone unless I felt something.

She said all this with 2mins of session left and I felt soooooooo scared. I told her I feel scared and what a time to feel scared LOL with 2 mins left.

I feel she finally reached across and helped me where I couldn't quite make the leap.

ANother thing last week she said could we change one of our sessions next week? I didn't really give it much thought and just agreed like I always do, but I did feel a bit rejected as she didn't say why. Then today she said, oh that change of session next week? I've cancelled that other thing so we're back to normal.

Its only just now that I thought about when I couldnt get to session because of a traffic accident and she wrote me back saying no there is no flexibility with the times, I wondered if she had remembered and realised that she was asking me to change times when she had refused my request? I felt nice about that.

[Perna]

Ah, now you're getting to the really good stuff :-) I'm happy for you (really :-)