[1stepatatime]

I’m hoping to get some input on this, maybe some of you have had similar experiences in session. I’ve been seeing my therapist for a long time , just over five years. We’ve had our ups and downs but for the most part we are connected and communicate well. There is one issue that is definitely a pattern. ( I may have brought this up in the past but it’s still an issue). Here it is... sometimes my therapist is very warm, engaging and encourages touch.. all very appropriate ( placing my hands on hers, looking into her eyes and maintaining it..( these are things that are difficult for me but very important and helpful). Here is the thing, almost always the following week she stays back, big time. It is definitely a pattern and I have asked her about it. She does not take ownership of it and usually will say something like she wants me to ask for it , even though I have told her I don’t think I can do that. I get that it’s my therapy but it is definitely not all me. I sometimes wonder if SHE has an issue with the touchy-feely stuff. I have asked her about that as well and of course she says she does not. I find it very frustrating and it causes me to question the sincerity of someone who is very warm and open because the following week she is not. Any thoughts or sharing your own experiences are much appreciated

[Rive1976]

I find this interesting because I have had a million therapists and they have always discouraged any touching.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Dnester

I find this interesting because I have had a million therapists and they have always discouraged any touching.

A lot of therapists don’t allow touch in therapy. There are many who do however... especially if they are trained in bioenergetics, which often requires touch.

Not around touch, but I never got any open response to questioning the Ts motives and reflecting back to them patterns in their behavior. More often it is met with defensiveness or they try to change and avoid the topic. Quite possible she has conflicting feelings around using touch with clients, or even just touching someone, but admitting that may open up an insecurity and I don't think Ts often like to admit that to a client.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Not around touch, but I never got any open response to questioning the Ts motives and reflecting back to them patterns in their behavior. More often it is met with defensiveness or they try to change and avoid the topic. Quite possible she has conflicting feelings around using touch with clients, or even just touching someone, but admitting that may open up an insecurity and I don't think Ts often like to admit that to a client.

I agree. She’ll never admit it if she does have some insecurities but considering she is certified in bioenergetics I would think that she would be comfortable.. I never initiate touch with her, it’s always her so I have a hard time understanding why the on and off stuff... sometimes I can feel the invisible boundary, it’s almost like she unconsciously is telling me “ just because I do this with you once in a while do not get too comfortable with it”... that’s how it feels to me. The only conclusion that I can come to is that she probably has some sort of issue with me.I could understand if I were crossing boundaries and insisting on touch or demanding it but I would never!

Or maybe the "issue" she has is that she likes the physical contact with you beyond what she usually experiences with other clients and is conflicted about her own feelings, what to do with them, how to work around them?

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Or maybe the "issue" she has is that she likes the physical contact with you beyond what she usually experiences with other clients and is conflicted about her own feelings, what to do with them, how to work around them?

This could be true... it has crossed my mind. She is very professional and wouldn’t jeopardize my well being or her career but I’ve wondered if she pulls back because of her own feelings be it positive or negative.. it’s frustrating because she would never own up to it, whatever the case may be

[1stepatatime]

I’d like to thank to two folks that responded, it really was helpful... just to see that others care enough to offer their support. I won’t beat around the bush , it’s rather discouraging to see that with all the people who post on here, nobody else offered any support, just a few kind words would have been nice. I try to be supportive when I am on this site... we all know how helpful it is to feel supported.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Sometimes replies take a bit of time, at least for me that's the case..

I would be irritated as well if my T would kind of 'dodge' my question and tell me it's not the case when I am very certain it is... I am not sure whether this would be a possibility, but if it bothers you, can you just bring it up again, and tell her it really, really bothers you that you feel she is bothered by something but she tells you otherwise, that you feel like she is not honest with you?

I mean, even if she does really not feel like this, and really just thinks that you should ask for it more often yourself, it's still an issue that you feel like she is not honest and so on. I feel like this would deserve to be talked about for however long it takes until you feel that she is honest with you. And if she feels that you should ask for it, then maybe you could in that discussion also talk about how that could be made a bit easier.

To offer something from my perspective, sometimes I have issues like that with my T. Last week for example, I was very upset about how he always says the same thing when I bring up a certain topic. I'd say "X has happened" and he'd say the same words every single time. Which made me feel very uncared for. I realized that probably he doesn't mean it that way, but I still felt like he did.

So I told him about that. We then discussed it for the whole session to some degree. He asked me what he could have said that would have been better (and I think he now knows to not say the same thing again next time...), we explored my feelings about him, why I thought he didn't care... he also brought up some of the stuff that's going on for him and how he feels about me (not as in 'I care about you' but more as in 'when you do X in sessions sometimes I wonder...').

I think it's very important for Ts to be honest and understanding. If you feel that your T does something that bothers you, and you feel like she is not telling you the truth, it might be good to work on that. She might not say 'yes, you're right, I'm totally uncomfortable' (which I also do not think is true, if she allows touch), but talking about how she could make you feel more welcomed and help you ask for some things yourself might be a good thing.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup

Sometimes replies take a bit of time, at least for me that's the case..

I would be irritated as well if my T would kind of 'dodge' my question and tell me it's not the case when I am very certain it is... I am not sure whether this would be a possibility, but if it bothers you, can you just bring it up again, and tell her it really, really bothers you that you feel she is bothered by something but she tells you otherwise, that you feel like she is not honest with you?

I mean, even if she does really not feel like this, and really just thinks that you should ask for it more often yourself, it's still an issue that you feel like she is not honest and so on. I feel like this would deserve to be talked about for however long it takes until you feel that she is honest with you. And if she feels that you should ask for it, then maybe you could in that discussion also talk about how that could be made a bit easier.

To offer something from my perspective, sometimes I have issues like that with my T. Last week for example, I was very upset about how he always says the same thing when I bring up a certain topic. I'd say "X has happened" and he'd say the same words every single time. Which made me feel very uncared for. I realized that probably he doesn't mean it that way, but I still felt like he did.

So I told him about that. We then discussed it for the whole session to some degree. He asked me what he could have said that would have been better (and I think he now knows to not say the same thing again next time...), we explored my feelings about him, why I thought he didn't care... he also brought up some of the stuff that's going on for him and how he feels about me (not as in 'I care about you' but more as in 'when you do X in sessions sometimes I wonder...').

I think it's very important for Ts to be honest and understanding. If you feel that your T does something that bothers you, and you feel like she is not telling you the truth, it might be good to work on that. She might not say 'yes, you're right, I'm totally uncomfortable' (which I also do not think is true, if she allows touch), but talking about how she could make you feel more welcomed and help you ask for some things yourself might be a good thing.

Thanks so much for your response. You are right, it does take some time for people to respond... I know it does for me with work and just life in general. There are times though that people do not respond. I have asked myself, what’s wrong with my posts? Lol I just felt like I needed to put that out there... a lot of good it did though! Anyways, have a great day. : )

[inmydreams]

Hi 1stepatatime. My ex T used to do exactly the same.she used to hug and hold me all of the time. But after certain sessions she would back right off .I noticed a pattern and it was definitely after supervision that my ex T did it ! She admitted to me that she had countertransference with me and kept getting to enmeshed in my stuff .So dont think its all about you and what you are doing wrong etc ..though I know for me, it made for a very bumpy ride in therapy and made me feel unsafe in the end.I kept thinking it was something I was doing .So , I feel for you .I am now with a T that doesnt hug at all and I have to say life is so much easier in some ways .Although I do miss being hugged . I hope that you can get to the bottom of it .

[onceuponacat]

I think it's good that you're confronting her about it. My T is doing the same thing except not with touch. I have no idea what is going on with him but, like clockwork, he is kind/empathizing for one session, turns cold/distant the next, and then goes back again.

This is my first time in therapy and I've only been going for a few months, but I feel like I'm being manipulated every time this happens. I have no idea why he's doing it, but it makes me feel like I can't trust him and I leave feeling worse than I did when I went in, not really sure that therapy is really for me to be honest. I hope you can get an answer from your T soon.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by inmydreams

Hi 1stepatatime. My ex T used to do exactly the same.she used to hug and hold me all of the time. But after certain sessions she would back right off .I noticed a pattern and it was definitely after supervision that my ex T did it ! She admitted to me that she had countertransference with me and kept getting to enmeshed in my stuff .So dont think its all about you and what you are doing wrong etc ..though I know for me, it made for a very bumpy ride in therapy and made me feel unsafe in the end.I kept thinking it was something I was doing .So , I feel for you .I am now with a T that doesnt hug at all and I have to say life is so much easier in some ways .Although I do miss being hugged . I hope that you can get to the bottom of it .

Thanks for your response! That’s so interesting.. was it negative counter transference or positive? I don’t think my therapist would ever own up to it.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by onceuponacat

I think it's good that you're confronting her about it. My T is doing the same thing except not with touch. I have no idea what is going on with him but, like clockwork, he is kind/empathizing for one session, turns cold/distant the next, and then goes back again.

This is my first time in therapy and I've only been going for a few months, but I feel like I'm being manipulated every time this happens. I have no idea why he's doing it, but it makes me feel like I can't trust him and I leave feeling worse than I did when I went in, not really sure that therapy is really for me to be honest. I hope you can get an answer from your T soon.

What IS up with that?? Why do they do the hot and cold thing?? I guess I’ll keep on asking every time I feel it. So sorry that you have to go thru it too